


Cross My Heart

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:07:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 60,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AH/OC -  Jake is a paramedic who has made a vow to save every human life as a way of atoning for his past regrets. What happens when he finally meets someone who doesn’t want to be saved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

He stood above her pumping her chest as if the action itself was second nature. He needed her to breathe as if his own life depended on it. The water that filled her lungs was slowly pulling her away from him, her soul amongst many that had been claimed by death in front of his eyes. The pain of this truth killed him, burned his chest as if he stood over the flames of hell trying to pull her back from its grasp.

He pressed firmly as he had done countless times before inwardly demanding that she live. He counted it out, 1-2-3 and pinched her nose breathing air into her saturated lungs. What was she thinking? How could she be so careless? He hated how fickle people were and how stupid they could be. This was not the first time someone had tried to do this. This was not the first time he had tried to save a soul that fought so hard to remain cold. He couldn’t understand how someone could not value life. How something could be that bad that they called death as if it was someone worth inviting.

His partner tried to stop him. He said she continued to have no pulse and it was a mood point to continue trying, but he didn’t listen. Every life was worth fighting for and this woman’s was no different. It didn’t matter that she slit her wrists and was drowning in a sea of her own blood mixed with luke warm water. She had a life, family and a reason to live and even if she didn’t see it, he did.

Life was not a replaceable commodity. It was something to cherish and even though these days he fought his own reasons for living, he knew she had every reason to. The pictures and images that surrounded them of all her past memories proved just that. How could someone be so miserable when surrounded with so much happiness?

His relentless efforts to revive her proved fruitful after his last breath, she coughed up the blood mixture and started to breathe on her own. His partner ran back to the kit, retrieved the bandages and returned to attend to the wounds on her wrists.

Jake leaned back onto his heels and took a deep breath. Another job well done he thought to himself as he allowed his partner to continue bandaging her up.

They moved her onto a gurney and rolled her past all the concerned neighbors as they exited the apartment building. They made sure to move slower than usual in case a family member happened to arrive home late and see them exit. The slow crawl to the ambulance proved fruitless so they got her gurney into the back of the bus, Jake staying in the back to monitor her vitals while Embry drove.

The trip to the hospital was a long one. They usually were never called to this part of town but seeing as it was a huge snow storm and there were limited crews on call, they were the closest to respond. Jake placed his fingers on her wrist monitoring her heart rate as they made their way back. He stared at her wet face as her eyes fluttered while she came to.

“Just try to relax and try not to speak.”

She continued to stare into his eyes completely disoriented as to where she was and who this man was hindering her attempts at departing this miserable life. She turned her head to the side as tears filled her eyes and regret filled her heart. She had failed once again. That’s what her life was full of, failed attempts at doing anything right. She had never been able to complete one task she set out to do and even when it came to taking her own life, she couldn’t manage to do that right either.

Anger filled her as she stared down at her bandaged wrists. She didn’t want to live. She didn’t want to be a part of a world that was filled with so much hurt it made her incapable of functioning like a normal human being. Her life was a living hell day in and day out. It was one filled with empty promises and painful memories. There was no life to be lived if all you felt was pain and all you saw was countless empty memories of happiness which you knew you would never enjoy again.

She felt his hand on her wrist, tightening the bandages that hung loosely around them.

“Don’t touch me” she hissed as she turned all her anger towards him.

“I have to touch you to keep you alive. You may not want to live but it is my job to keep you that way until we get to the hospital.”

His stern words further fueled her anger as she forced her body up from the gurney. He softly pressed his hand on her chest forcing her back down. He felt her fight him but he was not giving up on his demands of her.

“You need to lie down miss. You can fight all you want but rest assured, you’re in my care and if I say rest, you will listen. Understood?”

She wanted to fight him. She wanted to lift her hand up and smack him across the face. Unfortunately do to her cuts; the muscles in her arm were uncooperative so she was left to submit to his demands for the moment as they traveled to the hospital. She nodded her head and turned away from him.

She didn’t want to be saved. Why couldn’t anyone see that? She just wanted to leave this life if merely to silence the demons that threatened her very existence. There was no life to be had and for once, she had hoped her attempts would be fruitful this time.

“I wish you would have let me die” she whispered under her breath.

He placed his hand on her chin and pulled her face towards him. “Why would you choose to die when there is so much to live for?” his eyes pleading with hers to understand her torment.

It wasn’t like him to get so involved with a patient but his curiosity and genuine concern for her well being forced the questions out without his minds agreement to utter them.

Her tears flowed more freely now, her bottom lip trembling as she replied, “There is nothing to live for in this life. Please…if you really wish to help me, let me bleed out.”

Her pleas angered him as he looked away and his one free hand balled up into a fist. He had promised never to allow another person to die on his watch. He made a promise that would haunt him until he took his last breath.

He promised Lynn as she lied within his arms, bleeding in areas he could not suture, that he would never allow someone to die on him every again.

Her adolescent words plagued him since that day, he’s eyes seeing Lynn in replacement of this woman, coughing up blood and baiting to take her last breath. He promised he would save her and that’s when she asked him the words that he had lived by ever since that day. “Cross your heart” she whispered as her breathing got slower and slower.

“Cross my heart” Jake whispered back as he made the sign of the cross over his heart. His promise soothed the little girl’s heart and as the machines buzzed into his ear on the way to the hospital, the heart monitor alarm signaling her flat line and Jake helpless to assist in saving her life, he made a promise never to allow another innocent soul to perish as long as he lived. He crossed his heart and hoped to never see death like this ever again.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N – just wanted to let you know the story will be told in Jake’s POV and maybe down the road we might get a little Bella but I will definitely indicate if the POV changes. I hope you enjoy this new story. If you are interested the poem mentioned in this chapter, it can be found at http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/firefighting/112366

Several hours earlier…

I swung my arms over the warm comforter that rested on top of my weakened body trying to silence the demon possessing my alarm clock. Its incessant buzzing was ruining the peaceful rest my tired body yearned for. It felt like I had just feel asleep a moment ago, but alas, time was once again against me and it was time to get ready for work.

I fought the mangled comforter off and swung my legs over to the side of the bed. My fingers ran openly through my short hair as I tried to regain my train of thought for the day. My cell phone, the other demon in my life, had displayed seven text messages all of which were from Marissa. The woman was a kind soul but really not my type. I wasn’t really sure what my type truly consisted of. I wasn’t looking for true love, hell I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all but Embry insisted I needed something more than just my job to provide satisfaction in my life. 

I knew he meant well but he had only known me for two years. He had no idea who I was prior to my entry into the paramedic field nor did he fully comprehend how hard it was to be one thing and feel like something else. He didn’t know how hard it was to uphold this smile when all I wanted to do was go home and drown my sorrows in a tall glass of Long Island ice tea. I wasn’t an alcoholic. I knew what alcohol did to your body but it was great for that comforting numbing effect after a trying day of work.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, my reflection reminding me of my father. It was almost scary how much I had closely resembled him. He was Native American with soft rustic tones and jet black hair. He was the chief of our tribe, not in the history books kind of way, but more of the leader of our people. He helped our race grow and thrive in this ever changing world and made sure no one was left behind. The day I lost him will forever be imbedded in the very fiber of my being. 

My father was my best friend. I had a mother but she had decided that upon my birth, I was too much of a responsibility for her to handle. My father pleaded with her to reconsider, promising to take complete responsibility for my well being if she would just stay. Needless to say, she didn’t stay and although on some level I hated her for her choice, looking back on it now, I wouldn’t have chosen to have any other childhood than the one my father provided for me. 

There weren’t enough fingers to count all the fun and exciting things my father and I did throughout my adolescent years. He was a mother, father and friend in the truest sense of the word. He was continuously pushing me to be a better person and never failed to remind me how precious life truly was. 

When I graduated high school, I was still kind of lost as to what I wanted to do with my life. I had dabbled in a little bit here and there but I couldn’t quiet place my finger on what I wanted to do. My father, always filled with such wisdom, told me to take the summer off to really decide if college was for me or not. 

I was thankful my father wasn’t like most. He never pressured me unless the occasion called for it. He wasn’t like most parents who insisted that college was the only option. I continued to work on some junk vehicles in the garage throughout the summer of that year. I truly enjoyed working on car engines. There was nothing more calming than taking apart something so intricate and then piecing it back together. 

However, as much as I enjoyed it, I knew it wasn’t my true calling. Little did I know that my destiny would come to smack me clear across the face by the end of that summer. 

I arrived to the annual end of summer bonfire with beer and steaks in hand. Everyone from the reservation was there and most, if not all attendees were already complete intoxicated and feisty. My father was hard at work, grilling up the hamburgers, hot dogs and shrimp, while Sue, dad’s best friend’s wife, continued to serve out the food. 

I truly enjoyed these moments where everyone felt loved, cared for and welcome. It didn’t matter what you did for a living or who dated who or what tragedy had struck that summer, all that mattered was everyone coming together in celebration of life. 

It’s funny, thinking back on it now; I held such a true value for life. I felt loved, gave love and envied those in love but now, my heart has barely any room for such emotion. It is blanketed in a shroud of hurt and constant distress. 

That night marked the end of one part of my life and opened up the door to a darker side to my nature. I had never felt hate or pain like I did that night. 

My fear rendered me helpless both physically and emotionally. My father, the man I put higher than anyone, was choking, his face red, his hands grasping at his throat as his body fought the chunk of meat that was logged in his throat. 

I should have done something to help but I didn’t. I stood there like a five year old child petrified that I was watching my father die right before my eyes. Any man would have pushed fear aside and ran to his aid, but my body was cemented in place by fear and petrified by the notion of his loss. 

Everyone crowded around him, a few tried to pump his chest while Sue called 911. I watched as my father gasped his last breaths, my hand in his as I watched him slowly pass away. You would think I would’ve found comfort in my cowardly behavior when the hospital advised me it wasn’t the meat that killed him but the heart attack that had happened along with the asphyxiation. No, that was of no comfort to me. All I knew was that in the heat of the moment I tensed up and because of my fear, I couldn’t save the one person who meant the most to me. 

Anger filled my soul and pumped rage through my veins into my once blissful heart. These emotions were completely foreign to me because my whole life had been centered on joy and love while now I slept in a sea of hate. I hated who I was, how cowardly I had been and how weak my character truly had become. My father always said I wore my heart on my sleeve. He said my soul was unique because it was lined in compassion and fueled by love. 

The anger coursed through me at the notion, my hands ripping and tearing my shirt to shreds exposing my bare chest to the elements hoping that God would strike with vengeance for my neglect. I yearned for atonement, purpose and a reason to continue on. This metaphoric heart that I held on my sleeve had crawled from my body and rested alongside my father’s tombstone. Love didn’t help him when he was choking and it sure as hell didn’t bring him back from the dead so what did I need it? My body became a lifeless vessel, heartless, soul less and mindless. 

The passing months were the hardest ones I had ever endured. I became a hermit, allowing only Sue and a select few to visit me. I knew this behavior was unhealthy but this was how I dealt with grief. I needed to feel the pain that came along with his passing if I was to ever move past it. 

After my eyes ran dry and the once painted walls of our home had enough holes to resemble Swiss cheese, I realized this anger that continuously brewed within me wasn’t solving the overall issue. I had a fault, defect or what some might call a flaw. How I dealt with this flaw was more important than how heartbroken I was about finding it. 

My flaw was fear. I feared what had happened, what I allowed to continuing happening and what my life would be like after it happened. I decided in that moment I would never allow fear to take over my life nor would I allow another human being to lose their life at my hands. I would reclaim my life in an effort to reclaim my heart.

I enrolled in college and studied to be a paramedic. My determination became my passion. I worked hard and excelled in every class. I wanted to graduate sooner rather than later so I applied myself to the brink of exhaustion. My soul yearned for forgiveness and I knew the only way to achieve what I needed was to be out there saving lives.

These memories brought forth by a single glance at my appearance, weakened my inner strength. I really missed my father and no matter how many lives I had saved over the last two years, nothing replaced the regret I felt for not saving the one closest to my heart.

I turned the cold water on, scooped my hands underneath the faucet and once filled, splashed my face several times yearning for a wake up call on so many different levels. 

After washing up a bit, I strolled back into my bedroom, my eyes casually glancing over at the clock as I walked into the room. Once my eyes caught sight of the time, I made a mad dash for my closet throwing everything around in a rush to find my uniform. Unfortunately for me, I had hit the snooze too many times and it left me with five minutes to get clear across town.   
Thankfully I had one clean uniform still hanging from the cleaners in the closet. I threw it on, grabbed my keys and head out the door. 

The grave yard shift was my pick when I got my choice of shifts. My supervisor looked at me like I had seven heads and said I was mad for choosing one of the worst shifts in the lot. 

Everything happened on the midnight shift. Midnight is when the wildest things happened and we received the most calls for duty. I told him that although he thought me mad, there was a method to my madness. He just shook his head while penciling my name next to a more veteran paramedic by the name of Embry Call. 

I always said life is nothing without a sense of irony. Embry and I were both from the Quileute tribe yet we had never met before that day. I took this as a sign that somehow, someway, my father was approving of my new career choice. 

Embry and I hit it off the first night and by the end of the shift, I nearly pissed my pants with all the jokes and pick up lines he used throughout the night. He was a nice reprieve from the deep regret I still held in my heart. 

Although it had been more than four years since my father’s passing, my mind still had a hard time dealing with the loss. I despised the one night a week I had off and often times offered to cover for other medic’s just so I could escape being alone. 

I’m sure it didn’t help that my apartment was furnished with only the essentials and although I had been living there for over five years, it looked like I had just moved in. I had no sense of home because nothing felt quiet like it did when he was around. I tried to stay away as much as possible so the memory of him would fade and for the most part, I was doing a great job of it. I was home all of six hours to sleep and then back to work again leaving no time for sorrow or pain. I knew this was an unhealthy way of grieving, but it was working. 

This was not to say there weren’t the occasional moments of weakness when I heard someone speak his name or when the holidays rolled around and I found myself alone, but most of the time I just devoted my life to my work and it was working for me. 

However, the one down side to working for the city was the parking. It took me nearly an hour to find a spot that didn’t have a fire hydrant or limited hours of parking. Our paramedic unit worked out of the local firehouse so storage for the bus was never a problem but parking for the employee’s definitely was.

I found myself lucky as I turned the corner and waited for an SUV to pull out. I rushed for the spot, parked and made a mad dash towards the firehouse.

Thankfully the guys were called out on a fire so it was just Embry and a few newbies left in the house. I tried to be as quiet as I could, tiptoeing up the stairs to the locker room trying to remain undetected from the Embry radar. I hated catching shit for being late and Embry was notorious for shoving my tardiness up my ass from time to time. Luck was on my side as I made it to the landing and crossed the dining hall to the locker room.

I quickly stuffed my bag into the locker, ran a quick comb through my hair and slammed my locker door. In my haste, I nearly tripped over the piece of paper that had fallen from my locker room door. 

As I leaned down to retrieve the thin piece of paper, my mind wondered back to the moment when I had first laid eyes on the wisdom inscribed within it.

During one of my runs, a woman gave it to me as a thank you for saving her husband’s life. Apparently, her husband had been a paramedic in his younger years and lived by the words of the poem as his motto. 

The poem became a staple for me. It was something that I clung to that reminded me of why I did what I did and how valuable a human life was. His motto became my own. These words were ones I clung to when I doubted my abilities or wondered if I would have the strength to press on. They had provided me the courage I needed and the will to conquer the insurmountable obstacles in my way thus strengthening me in my vow. 

Every human life was worth saving; even the ones that didn’t asked to be saved. I lived for these words and conceded to the fact that one day; I might need to be the one who is saved by them.

A Paramedic's Poem 

I am Sorry if I woke you in the middle of the night,   
But someone in my community is fighting for their life.   
Sorry if I block the road and make you turn around, But there's been a bad wreck with dying persons strewn across the ground.   
When you see me coming you'll have to understand, Lend me the right-of-way - so I can save the day.   
Somewhere a child is choking, somewhere a broken leg.   
Sometimes a heart stops beating, but when I get there it's far too late.   
So if you see me crying when I think I am alone,   
You'll know I had a "bad" one and I am feeling mighty down.   
I don't do it for the money or any form of gain.   
I don't do it for the glory, but for a life that might be saved.   
Somewhere deep within us, our souls cry out loud.   
I am here to help my neighbors in their hour of need and doubt.   
God gave me something special to help see you through,   
I do it because I love you, and I care about you too.

I folded the poem up and placed it in the chest pocket of my uniform as I walked towards the door. Before I could make it out of the locker room, Embry barged in and slapped me on the shoulder, telling me to move my tired ass because we had a call come.

I ran down to the bus, Embry already buckled in and ready to roll. We sped out of the firehouse and made our way across town. It wasn’t common that we had to make such a far run but due to the inclement weather, we were the closest bus available.

Over forty minutes later, we arrived at an old dilapidated apartment building in a bad part of town. I can’t say the neighborhood didn’t scare the living shit out of me but I reminded myself I had a job to do.

We pushed passed the concerned neighbors as we made it up to the 2nd floor apartment. After speaking with the emergency caller who stood right outside the apartment in question, I knocked repeatedly to see if anyone would answer. After several attempts, I gave a look to Embry who knew exactly what my intentions were and guided some of the nosey neighbors out of the way while I rammed my shoulder into the hard steel door trying to gain access.

By the third hit, the door opened and we hurried inside. Embry took the kitchen and I the bedrooms in search of the person in need of care. As I made my to the 2nd bedroom, I couldn’t help but notice the water flooding from beneath what I could only surmise was the bathroom door. I hollered for Embry to assist as I tried to get the locked door open.

He was quick to my aid and helped me push open the bathroom door that seemed to be blocked with some sort of wooden plank. Once inside, my eyes gazed upon an all too familiar sight. This was not the first time I had seen attempted suicide but something about this woman captivated me. I wasn’t sure if it was her perfectly soft ivory skin or the way her lips parted as her hair flowed around her face. I decided now was not the time and moved in, scooped her from the water and placed her on the wet tile floor.

It was the strangest thing but something was pulling me towards her. She wasn’t like anyone I had encountered. The horror’s I had seen in my life time could have never prepared me for this moment. For in this moment, my heart actually started to beat that familiar rhythm of my past and something told me she was the key to reclaiming my heart.


	3. Chapter 2

The drive from her apartment to the hospital was a long one with Embry constantly swerving between lanes while trying not to skid off the road due to the bad weather. However, throughout the ride, I tried to remain focused on my duties while she lied there, limp and rigid beneath my fingertips. I was tempted to ask her why she wished to die. What was so bad that taking her life seemed like the best option? Being someone who had seen more horror than hope, you would think I had more reason than her to take my own life but I hadn’t and I feared if I posed the question, she would feel like I was belittling her attempts at suicide and try to inflict more harm onto herself, so I decided to keep my inquiries to myself for now. I didn’t want her to try anything before we could get to the hospital. 

She wasn’t the first patient I had encountered who had made such attempts but for some strange reason, I felt drawn to her. I had never felt this feeling for any of my patients before today. There was something written deep within her pained eyes that screamed to my soul to save her from whatever it was that was causing her so much pain. In many respects, I was a lifesaver, so why did I find it so hard to open my mouth and try and soothe her aching heart? Was it because I, myself, suffered with my own inadequacies and knew I couldn’t offer much in the comfort department? Or maybe because I was just scared of finding out what truly ailed her and like my father’s incident, I would be rendered helpless thus failing in the one area I thought I had prospered in.

I decided to stop allowing fear to pinch at my heart and take a leap of faith. How was I ever going to conquer the one fatal flaw that seemed to plague me my entire life if all I did was hide behind it? 

I went to speak but before I could, everything in the bus shifted forward as Embry came to a crashing halt in front of the ER. I kept my hand on her chest, holding her in place as everything shifted in its place. I turned my attention towards the front cab and received the “I’m sorry” look from Embry as he exited the driver’s side of the bus. He was quick to meet us around back and help me usher the gurney out of the bus and through the emergency room doors. 

I screamed out her vitals as the emergency room staff ran out to meet us. I cringed when I noticed Marissa was the nurse on duty. I prayed she would focus on work and not the fact that I hadn’t returned her call in three days. She appeared to be unalarmed by my presence, pushing me to the side to take hold of this woman’s wrist. Embry recited her name and physical state as I hung back and watched the staff take over. This was a familiar scene for us. We maintained the patients wellbeing until we arrived at the hospital, signed off on their admittance and then left. This was a part of the job that truly pained me. 

I could give to shits for the gang banger or robber that I had to attend to on some random shoot out but people like Isabella, were the cases where I actually wanted to see them through. My mind was plagued with questions, questions I myself had contemplated over my long somewhat grief period. As much as I hated myself for what had happened to my father, I never once thought of taking my life. 

My father had taught me that every life, even the ones that seemed insignificant were in fact significant in the grand scheme of things. Every life was on this earth for a reason. They had a purpose or destiny to fulfill and if their life was cut short by their own doing, a ripple effect of misfortune seemed to follow in everyone’s lives they could or would have touched had they stayed alive. I held firm in this believe and although jumping off the city bridge or swallowing a bottle of pills would be an easy reprieve, I knew it was never an option. I might not have been strong enough to save my father but I am strong enough now to save her.

I ran to the bus to gather my clipboard. I filled out the hospital forms attached and once complete, handed them over to the nurse on staff. 

“I need to take a leak. I’ll be right back” Embry said as he patted me on the back and headed for the restroom.

I nodded not paying him any mind as I moved past the nurses’ station and looked down the corridor at the ER room Isabella was staying in. She was a feisty one alright, thrashing her hips left to right and screaming bloody murder as the doctors and nurses tried to ask her some routine questions. For a person who had hardly any use of her arms and barely any blood in her system, she was a fighter. Cunt, Bitch, Asshole and a few other obscenities flew from her lips as she repeatedly kicked and thrashed around on the bed. The scene almost made me laugh but it really wasn’t a laughing matter. She seemed almost fearful of human contact. Every time the nurse tried to grab her arm, she shifted her hips and pushed her away. The look of fear mixed with anger and disgust glowed clearly from her tear ridden face. My heart clenched as I watched her plead for someone to help her. She screamed like someone was beating her to death and I felt maybe, just maybe I could simmer her down. 

I moved into the crazy room, placing my arm on Marissa’s shoulder waiting for her abrupt actions to sedate Isabella to cease. She turned around abruptly, the look of frustration and annoyance written all over her olive complexion. Her facial expression quickly changed when she noticed it was me but that hopeful stare quickly changed when the doctor screamed for her assistance.

“Jake you can’t be in here. You need to leave” she hissed at me as she turned her attention back towards an irate Isabella.

“Let me help Marissa, please” I pleaded not sure if my presence would help sedate Isabella or cause more harm. I knew I had to try. The doctors were getting nowhere at the present moment and if she continued to act up, she would surely bleed out. 

I wasn’t the aggressive type, at least not when it came to other aspects of my life, but in this profession, sometimes you had to be a little oppressive to get your point across. I placed my hand on Marissa waist and forced her to the side. I took Isabella’s unresponsive hand into mine and placed my other hand on her shoulder. 

“Isabella” I whispered, my tone firm and almost authoritative.

Her eyes quickly darted to mine, the look of distress, confusion and frustration beaming from within her soft brown eyes, her soul pleading to be let free from the confines of her torn body. 

“It’s Bella” she hissed, her body still thrashing around but not as harshly as earlier.

“Bella listen to me. You had to sit still. The doctors and nurses are here to help you. If they don’t see to your wrists you will bleed out. “

I thought my kind words would sooth her distress but they did the complete opposite. The anger that was once focused on the doctors was now directed towards me. “I told you to let me die. I begged you to let me bleed out and you wouldn’t help me. Now I’m here in this hell because of you. Just leave me alone” 

Under normal circumstances I would have conceded to such a demand knowing that someone with such determination was not so easily swayed to do the right thing but not with her. I was determined to show her a better way, if not for her than for me. I needed to know there was still some good left in this world and that my actions hadn’t gone without the reward of life. My vow was to save lives not take them and I wasn’t going to let her stubbornness overshadow my vow to save her.

“You listen to me Bella. You may not value your life but I do. I pulled you from the bloody waters you so willingly basked in and I was the one who forced that same water out of your lungs, bringing you back to life. I will not allow you to die. Do you understand me? Now you will lie still and allow these men to aid you or the next thing you will see once you wake up from your sedation is not my humble face but a padded cell. Are we clear?”

She turned her face in defiance like an angry child. I pulled away, my hand leaving hers and that’s when I saw it. Her head turned back towards me, a single tear falling from the corner of her eye as she whispered her response “Please save me Jake. Save me from myself”. 

Her words like pin size needles, puncturing holes in my lungs making it unbearable to breathe, my mind dazed and confused by this obvious breakthrough I had made. Had I finally made her see the error of her ways? Would she now hold life as a virtue rather than a senseless commodity? 

I moved back towards her, but before I could reclaim her hand, Marissa pushed me aside and inserted the medicine into her IV. Bella’s eyes fell heavy as her head turned to the side and she fell asleep. Marissa glanced back at me, that evil grin on her face and that’s when anger replaced gratification.

“She was going to allow you to help her? Why?” 

“Jake you are still fairly new to all this. This girl is sick. Not sick as in, here’s a lollipop and a shot kind of sick, but mentally unstable. Sure she looked and seemed like she was giving in but I’ve seen this show more than once. Step aside and let the real medical professionals do their job.”

I bit my tongue knowing that if I wanted any inside information about Bella after tonight I had to play nice but even the beast known as anger couldn’t be contained for long. 

“You know the difference between you and me Marissa? It’s not a college degree. It is a little thing known as compassion. You know that feeling when your heart beats rapidly and your palms sweat. Oh wait, I forgot. You don’t know that feeling because your heart stopped beating a long time ago.” I whispered.

I didn’t wait for a response. I knew my words hurt more than she visibility showed so I turned and walked away feeling good that I had spoken my mind. However my immediate gratification was overshadowed by my good conscious, my mind screaming at the harshness of my actions. I was better than that. I knew she had all eyes on her and I knew she was just doing her job but would it hurt to show just the least bit of compassion. It was obvious she had had run in’s with Bella or people like her before, but still, every life deserved just a smidge of compassion every now and again. Sometimes by just showing you care, it allows the person to simmer and see that what they were or weren’t doing was wrong. School didn’t teach you things like that, real life did and it was apparent to me Marissa still had a lot of growing up to do.

I met up with Embry by the nurses’ station. He was flirting away as usual trying to pick up some of the new nurses on staff. I cleared my throat during his “I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away” corny pick lines. 

“Jake, glad you’re back. I was just telling these beauties about you. I convinced them to have a drink with us later.”

“Is that so?” 

“Of course man. I never go anywhere without my wing man” he replied pulling me into his side by my shoulder while displaying that boyish grin to the young nurses behind the desk.  
“We have work to do Em.” I replied as I pulled out of his grasp and made my way outside.  
“Jake hold up” he hollered as he ran up beside me.

“What’s gotten into you? Don’t tell me you are on one of your missions to save the world again? You have to lay off the self-hate man. Your dad’s death was not your fault. When are you going to stop hiding behind that and start living your life?”

I knew Embry had good intentions and I knew he was right but tonight was not the time to have one of those heart to heart conversations. I was still pretty worked up from the whole Marissa incident and was in no mood to entertain his friendship at the moment.

I stopped mid stride, turned to him and in the nicest way possible replied “Not tonight Em ok? Not tonight”

His return gaze spoke volumes as he nodded, patted me on the back and we made our way back to the bus. The rest of the evening was eventful as always but as much drama as I had seen that night; it hadn’t taken my mind off of her face, her words repeating like a skipped record in my mind. I knew it wasn’t my place to offer help when I wasn’t clearly qualified to help a mentally ill patient but something told me she needed someone other than a shrink to help her out of her anguish. The question was, should it or better yet could it be me? 

I questioned my own response to that very question my entire shift. I wasn’t much in the way of company and often found myself bored with my own existence. I worked all the time and when I wasn’t working, I was sleeping so what could I offer in the way of advice or conversation to such a tormented soul? On some level I could relate to her pain even though I didn’t know or comprehend its origin. I myself had questioned the reason to continue on in a life full of so much pain but somehow I had managed to look above my own self-pity and move forward. I knew my methods of working countless hours leaving me in complete exhaustion each night wasn’t a solution but it gave me purpose. Maybe what she needed was a reason to continue living. 

My mind wrestled with all the options even during what should have been my sleeping hours. Her eyes, the glistening in the corners of her eyelids as the tears fell, the way her bottom lip quivered as she responded to me, all signs of desperation for someone to save her.  
I pondered the meaning behind what she had said. Did she want someone to help her end her life or save her from her life or just be in her life? 

Before I knew it, the alarm was buzzing its familiar tune except this time, I was awake and actually off from work. Normally I would have picked up a shift for tonight but oddly, I was too lost in my thoughts of Bella to do so. Was this fate intervening on my behalf? Was this God’s way of showing me a new path? Was it not enough to save countless lives that now I was beckoned to save one not wanting to be saved?

I decided to stop overanalyzing the whole issue because it was giving me a wicked migraine. I   
got out of bed, took a hot shower and enjoyed my steaming cup of Joe as I browsed through the newspaper. After about five minutes of relaxation, my cell phone was beckoning my attention from the other room. 

I walked back into the bedroom, retrieved my phone and immediately hit end. Marissa had some nerve after last night’s ordeal to even think I would entertain a conversation with her. I had to give it to her, the woman was relentless. Either that or she had my number on rapid redial as my phone continued to ring for the next fifteen minutes. After about the twentieth call, I answered.

“WHAT!” my anger and disgust laced in my harsh tone and unseen stance.

“Damn man is that any way to say hello?”

“Oh shit Em, I’m sorry man. It’s just. Marissa is acting like a complete and utter stalker and I thought you were her. What’s up?”

“Oh nothing much, I just thought you might like to come down to the bar for a beer and watch the game.”

“Can I take a rain check man? I kind of have plans already?”

“Do these plans involve a person of the opposite sex?”

“Well sort of”

“What do you mean sort of? Wait…don’t tell me you went all switch hitter on me Jake. I mean I don’t want to have to like, guard my ass when we are working or anything. Please tell me you still like females…”

“Ohhhh…calm down Em. Yes I do still like females. Jesus! Is your mind always in pussy mode?”

“Hell yeah. There is nothing sweeter than a fine lady riding my emergency vehicle”

I couldn’t control my laughter as I almost dropped the phone from laughing so hard. 

“Alright let me make this quick run and I will meet you at the bar ok? Give me an hour.”  
“Alright man...see you then”

I hung up, through on a pair of jeans and shirt and headed out. Something told me I should check in on Bella. Last night was crazy and I’m sure by now she had a room so there was no harm in paying her a visit. I wanted to get to know her, help her, and make her see what harm she was doing to herself. If I could truly save her life than maybe, just maybe in doing so I could save mine.


	4. Chapter 3

I sat in my car outside the hospital completely petrified over what I might find behind the glass sliding doors. I wasn’t afraid of the hospital, patients or even Marissa but what seemed to scare me to the point that my body sat ridged within my car, almost frozen in time like an ice sculpture was the fact that I was walking into a hospital, seeking out a patient in the hopes of helping her see that suicide was not the answer to her problems. 

Who was I to offer such assistance? It wasn’t that I was incapable of compassion or a good listener but truly, what could I offer this woman in exchange for what seemed to be her miserable existence? I had a hard enough time dealing with my own demons and although her demons may be just as evil as mine, I wasn’t sure how I could make her see that I really did just want to help.

How do you show someone the meaning of life when you don’t fully comprehend it yourself? How do you justify someone’s existence when you don’t know what value their life has in the grand scheme of things? How do you set an example when your life has been less than perfect? 

These madden thoughts continued to poke holes in the resolve I had set forth the minute I set eyes on her. I didn’t believe in love at first sight and I used to laugh when my father told me the history of love in our tribe. 

Our people firmly believed that they were direct descendants of wolves and as such, found their partners through something called imprinting. I told my father that I thought they were smoking too much herb when they wrote that into our history books. My father slapped me up side the head and told me not to mock the spirits or disrespect the history of our tribe. He never could tolerate disobedience and no matter what age I was, that hand was firm and swift when it made contact with my skin.

However, as much as I mocked my ancestral beliefs in love, the one belief we had in common was fate. I firmly believed in the power of fate and destiny. I, like my father believed that everyone was put on this earth for a reason, whether it be to help, harm, build, destroy or create life. Bella, whether she liked to believe it or not, was a key part in someone’s life and some small part of me wanted to believe she was placed in my life for a reason. There was a reason my ambulance was called to her residence when it wasn’t on our designated route. There was a reason, she opened up to me and no one else and there was a reason she asked me to help her find herself when she had ample people to ask for assistance. 

Our fates were entwined last night and it would seem the more I denied my destiny; the more is tugged on my heart strings in defiance of my fear. That tender heart that had hung so delicately from my sleeve throbbed and pulsated with a desire to help her. Whether it is my destiny to save her or my burden, I was going to do it. This had nothing to do with recognition, admiration, forgiveness or even atonement. I was doing this for me, to make me feel more like the man I used to be and by God, if I could save a hard up soul like Bella Swan, maybe then I could finally be at peace.

I reached for the door handle, pulled and allowed the door to swing open, crunching loudly as the wind held it in place. It was at least five below and the wind whistled and thrashed the trees and passerby’s like they were weightless leaves blowing in a wind tunnel.

I forced my body to stand firm against the harsh wind that threatened to push me back into the car. My arm rose and covered my eyes as the wind whipped and nipped at my face. My eyes teared uncontrollably at the winds relentless pressure forcing them to dry and ache in defiance. I finally made it past the automatic doors of the emergency room and was immediately comforted by the warmth and noise that surrounded me.

Some people might think it odd that I found solace in a place most despised. I loved the constant and never-ending buzz of the hospital. My mind was constantly being entertained by flirty nurses, up tight doctors, annoying patients and gossiping janitors. We were a soap opera day in and day out. It was all quiet comedic really and aside from that, this was the one place that could truly help people get better. It was a united front that combated the worst evils on a day basis so it was the one place I knew I could attain my salvation.

The nurses were quick to acknowledge my presence as they all greeted me and questioned why I was there on my day off. 

I moved towards the nurse’s station and closer to a nurse by the name of Maria. She was always such a sweetheart and always offered me assistance when I needed it. She was very special in her own right and had she not been married, I was sure she and I would have been a couple. She seemed like someone I could grow old with but alas, she was married with two beautiful children and I was, well…not looking for anything in the commitment department at the moment.

“You came to see her didn’t you?” she questioned, her eyes still focused on her case files as she made her inquiry.

“Am I that transparent?”

“More than you know.” She replied while peering up from her files and smiling back at me. 

“So Maria…would you be kind enough to…um…well…”

“Get you her room number?” she replied her eyebrows rose while her smile turned almost sinister in nature.

“If you don’t mind. That would be great”

“So what’s it worth to ya?” 

“Ohhh I see. So you need to be bribed now huh? Well how about I babysit for you and John on any day of your choosing?”

“Two days and you have a deal”

“Done” 

Her smile was so radiate you would’ve thought I told her she just won the lottery. I knew between her and her husbands schedule they never had time to themselves. Her husband worked days and she worked nights so I knew any alone time they could have would be priceless. She returned back to me and slipped a tiny piece of paper into my pocket as she gave me a hug.

“Good luck Jake. She’s a feisty one.” She whispered as she pulled away and rubbed my upper arm.

“Tell me about it” I replied as I nervously rubbed the back of my neck still very unsure of what it is I was going to do once I got up to her room.

I started to walk away and was halted by Maria parting words. “You know you didn’t have to bribe me. I’d do anything for you Jake. You know that.”

I turned, peered over my shoulder and smiled. “Yes I know you would but I’m too humble to expect a hand out. I know this could cost you your job so I’m happy to pay it forward, especially for you.”

She giggled as she waved and returned to her duties. We always flirtatiously bantered with one another because we knew it was innocent and with no mal-intent. I respected her and she I, so a little harmless fun never hurt anyone.

I pulled the tiny piece of paper from my pocket and my body instantly froze when I noticed what floor she was on. Shit! I cursed under my breath. They had her on the pysch floor. I shouldn’t have been surprised that she was being detained for psychiatric evaluation since that was normal hospital protocol when it came to suicidal patients but what seemed to scare me the most was what method’s they were using to keep her calm. If she was still sedated, I wasn’t going to be able to converse with her and if anything else had happened after I left, they might have restrained her and not allowed for any visitors before she could be properly evaluated.

Sweat filled my brow and nervousness coursing through my veins like tiny fire ants on parade towards their next meal. I nervously scratched at my arms, desperate to be ride of the tingling and goose bumps that arouse on my skin. As hard as I fought the fear and anxiousness, it didn’t seem to subside even with the strength I had managed to build since childhood. It amazed me how the smallest things set me off into these panic attacks. 

I reminded myself I was human and although my intentions were true, I had to accept that there was a small possibility that I couldn’t help her. I was a realist and I knew on some level she was going to need more than my help to get better. I wasn’t deaf and I clearly heard Marissa refer to her as a constant resident of the ER and psych ward so I knew I had my hands full. However even with that knowledge, I knew she needed someone without a degree to help her. I needed to be the one to remind her that not everyone was out to hurt her thus renewing her belief that life was worth living. 

The elevator doors opened in front of me and with their parting, they welcomed me on my new path. Once I cleared the opening there was no turning back. If I made this leap, I was sealing my fate and entwining my destiny with hers. Was I ready to save her or was I the one needing to be saved from these crazy notions? 

I never liked to take risks, at least not ones that could change the course of my life but she asked me to help. She asked me to be saved and who was I to deny such a request. I had the power to make her see the good no one else had and for once in my life, I was going to do the right thing. I was going to save her.

I walked down the long hallway, breathing in and out deeply, inwardly forcing my legs to move faster so my fear wouldn’t get the best of me. In my carelessness, I bumped into a nurse carrying a tray of meds. 

I apologized profusely as I helped her retrieve the pills scattered on the hospital floor.  
She looked up at me; her dark grey eyes laced with such a deep rooted sorrow, it nearly knocked me off my knees. Her expression was similar to Bella’s but different in some way. 

“I’m really sorry nurse…” my eyes veering down for a moment to catch her name badge.

“Sarah” the name rolling off my lips with such ease no one would notice the physical or emotion strain it caused to utter such a name. The mere syllables of her name as they flowed so effortlessly from my lips were like hair pin needles piercing my heart, causing it to bleed in pain and anguish as the blood joined with the heated blood that coursed through my veins.

This woman didn’t know me yet I held such contentment for her simply because of the name her parents bestowed upon her at birth. Was it right to feel anger and hate towards her? No. Did that stop me from feeling anything less than tortured? No. 

We rose from the floor in unison, my heated stare causing her to shutter slightly as the fear left my body and entered hers. I was intimidating by mere height alone but in an angered state even the strongest of men would pale against me. I tried to reclaim my thoughts and remind myself that this woman was not my mother and that she didn’t deserve anything but an apology.

She moved past me and made her way back down the hall glancing back several times in fear I would follow. It was the first time someone had gazed upon me in fear rather than admiration and it was the first time I hadn’t felt guilty for it. 

I guess I hadn’t resolved the hurt that plagued me. I had never truly dealt with the abandonment issues of my youth. My father had made sure I felt loved and cared for so I had no reason to dwell on the thoughts of my mother’s departure until now. As much as I loved my father, a small part of me hated the fact that he let her leave. I could never conceptualize how a woman could endure hours of labor, bring a life into this world and just walk away as if they that child meant nothing, like I meant nothing. 

My legs pressed forward, the anger fueling my muscles as I walked down to her room. I tried to reconcile my thoughts and force the anger out. I was no good to Bella in such a state and couldn’t provide the sincerity required at the moment. 

I stood outside her door, the red sign reading authorized personnel only screaming at me to end this silly quest and return to my normal life. I laughed at the notion. My life was far from normal and barely tolerable at the moment. I thirsted for an atonement I never received and applied myself to a trade that was grueling and thankless. What did I hope to achieve from such a life? How could I show her that life was worth living when I barely had anything to show for my own? Should I lie just to save her or should I show her that birds of a feather flock together? I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing or how I could save such a troubled girl from herself. I doubted my own abilities and felt hopelessness seep into my well-structured plan.

My hand rested on the door handle, my mind and body at war with one another over my next course of action. My body demanded me to move forward while my mind screamed to let it be. The choices you make in life define you and if there was one thing I wanted to define me, it would be my strong will. I had been determined to never relive pain or loss again and damn it to hell, she wasn’t going to either.

The weight of my body forced the door to creak open, its low squeals forcing me out of thought and back to the matter at hand. My heart raced as I saw her fragile body strapped to the bed. I knew she was out for the count when I left her so they must have strapped her in for preventative purposes. 

I moved passed the door and closed it softly behind me. Her body rustled a bit while her head moved back and forth forcing the pillow from beneath to fall to the floor. I ran to her side, caught the pillow mid fall and gently lifted her head up and placed the pillow beneath.

“Please don’t…no please…I love you…please” 

My eyes darted towards her. Her eyes scrunched firmly together as she dreamed, her pleas continuously laced with pain and sorrow. I leaned behind me, pulled the vacant chair towards me and sat down. I took her sweat filled hands into my own and ran my thumb gently over the top of her knuckles hoping it would simmer her distress. 

“Please Charlie…don’t do this…I can’t” her voice hoarse as she tried to scream. 

My heart broke and became almost dire to wake her just so she wouldn’t have to feel the pain her dream had induced. I knew it unwise to get any closer but something told me I had to. I had to try something to ease her pain if only to satisfy my thirst for her comfort. 

I leaned over the side of the bed and whispered into her ear “I love you too Bella. Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere. Charlie is here.”

Her body relaxed into the bed, a half smile coming to her face as my words seemed to ease her distress. Her face turned towards mine, a glow now permeating from her skin as serenity filled her. This was the Bella I wanted to see and this was the reason I was here in the first place. I wanted her to feel this sense of calm always. 

“I knew you could never leave me Charlie” she whispers in response.

I didn’t reply. I allowed her to enjoy this brief moment of happiness if only to show her that it was possible to feel something other than pain. I knew it was silly to consider that this moment was an epic triumph but it didn’t stop me from feeling less than accomplished that I got her to smile without her even knowing it. I was the reason she glowed and I was the reason her body seemed to be at peace and that small feet was something to be proud of. 

I knew it would be a long night and this blissful moment would be short lived but I didn’t care. I would sit here all night if it meant she had the best sleep she had ever had. At the very least, I knew my comfort brought her a sense of security and for the time being that was all that mattered. Her serenity meant my atonement and tonight I could see my destiny as clear as the sun on a cloudless day. Here lied my true path, my true calling and my ultimate rescue and if I could bring her to life then my past transgression would become a distant memory. In her I would find my purpose and in return, in me she would find peace.


	5. Chapter 4

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. If that were true, the few brief moments I gazed into her deep brown eyes I saw a person chained by guilt and chastised by insurmountable pain. Her vision was blurred by the curtains of depression and although even the slightest bit of compassion was seen as a threat rather than a saving grace, I wasn’t sure if it was her pain that I saw or my own. I too had experienced such anguish and it wasn’t until I found my true calling that fear seemed to dissolve and hope was more attainable than I had once believed. 

I sat by her side, her face glowing with security as she held my hand within hers. I was warmed by the fact that my presence provided such safety even if she thought I was someone else. I knew I was pressing my luck by staying as long as I had. My eyes continuously glared up at the clock praying she didn’t have any routine checkups until the morning. 

Her body shifted in its position, her hand that once rested on her side that was joined with mine moved up towards her face. She cupped it underneath her cheek, a smile once again appearing on her face as she whispered “Charlie”. 

I wondered who Charlie was. Was it her boyfriend? Lover? Friend? Or maybe even her father. This person, whomever they were had provided her comfort on some level but was also a contributing factor to her endless pain. I desperately wanted to know more about her and hoped she might wake even if for a moment so we could speak. 

My attention was drawn back towards the door when I heard a doctor and two nurses conversing outside. The handle jiggled a bit and I knew I was done for. When I turned around to say my goodbye’s I noticed a curtain hanging on the other side of her bed. I quickly slid my hand from hers and ran to the other side hoping the curtain would conceal me from the doctor who was about to enter the room. I took a deep breath as I wrapped myself in the curtain and prayed my presence went unnoticed. 

I heard the doctor’s heavy footsteps as he entered the room along with the squeaking of the nurse’s shoes as she trailed in behind him. 

“Ahh Isabella Swan. I can see she has been sedated and is finally resting calmly. This is what the third time we’ve had the pleasure of her presence here?” he inquired

“Yes Dr. Cocks”

I snickered under my breath. Sometimes I wished I could control my urges better but who the hell wouldn’t laugh at the obvious hilarity of the doctor’s name?

I cursed under my breath hoping the doctor didn’t hear my childish laughter. Thankfully he was too focused to hear anything other than the sound of his own voice as they continued to review her charts.

“So she attempted to kill herself once again. Oh and I see she tried the old slit your wrists routine. Well at least she is trying new things” he replied chuckling under his breath.

Anger festered in the pit of my stomach. What an asshole. How could he find humor in her attempts? Couldn’t he see she was crying out for help? Couldn’t he see her pain?

“Her vitals seem to be normal. I will check back in the morning and complete my evaluation then. She is not getting away from us this time I can promise you that. Third time is a charm and this time, she is going to be transferred to the psychiatric facility willingly or not. There are plenty of people here that need help and although she feels she is not mentally ill and demands release, she will find out that I’m not so easily convinced of her sanity this go around. I have to say Jackie, this one is truly exhausting. How can a person go through life like this? I will never understand the crippled mind and although on some level I pity her, pity won’t fool me more than once.”

“Yes doctor” the nurse replied.

I listened as they hooked her chart back on the bed and walked out. I waited a few moments, peaked over the side of the curtain and made sure everyone was gone before I made it back towards her bed. 

“Their gone” she whispered

I moved from behind the curtain and saw Bella staring back at me looking still a bit hung over from the sedative. 

“How long have you been awake?” I replied my voice laced with obvious curiosity and embarrassment.

To the common on looker it would seem like I was a stalker or crazed boyfriend from my behavior as of yet, but it was out of mere determination and longing that I sought out this poor soul and it was that same determination that would drive me to make her see the goodness she held deep inside her heart.

“Dr. Dick and nurse cunt woke me up with their banter. I can’t say I’m surprised with how little they think of me but seriously, I think they need the medication more than I do.”  
Nervously I ran my hands over the back of my neck as I moved closer to her bed side.

“So are you going to tell me why you were hiding behind that curtain or do I need to be asleep for you to talk with me?”

I was surprised by her comment. I thought under heavy sedation patients were literally incoherent. I was almost thankful I hadn’t said anything much other than that tiny little lie of being her “Charlie”.

“Your just full of sarcasm aren’t you Bella? I have to admit, this is a totally different side than the one I witnessed last night. Surprisingly I would take your sarcasm over those temper tantrums any day.”

She gave me that “whatever” face, not that I was surprised. She didn’t know that I could go to bat with the best of them when it can to firing back sarcastic responses. I was happy at the very least she was entertaining my presence and not demanding I leave.

“So do you stalk all your patients or just the ones you feel sorry for?” she inquired, her eyes never leaving me as if her mind was in constant battle with her heart. Her eyes pleaded with my heart, while her words spoke otherwise. 

It was amazing how well I could read people. It was a trait I acquired in my youth. I could tell if someone was lying just by the way their eyes veered in all directions when they spoke or if they were defensive how just simple arm movements could tell me to be cautious with my words. People were an open book to me and although this talent came in handy, it didn’t seem to work with Bella. She was like a prison, her thoughts and emotions sealed away behind a cement wall. Her thoughts were a mystery but her soul seemed to be an open book. In moments of desperation her true self was revealed and in moments of despair, the person that sat before me now, defensive and rude seemed to rear its ugly head. I was a quick study and could just as easily turn on and off the charm when the situation called for it. 

“I find it strange that the person who pleaded for help just hours earlier conveniently forgets she did so. I wonder if the veins in your wrists are hot wired to the nerves in your brain and in cutting yourself, you’ve managed to cut off the portion of your brain that contains memory.”

“Do you treat all your patients so rudely?” she replied, her hands forming fists next to her as   
her face became stern and cold.

I didn’t particularly like to play mind games with people but I figured it would be the only way for her to trust me. Her guard was up and I didn’t’ know enough about her to know when enough was enough but based on her stance, I decided I should stop playing games and turn the charm back on.

I moved over to the other side of the bed and sat down. I stared into her angered eyes, not saying anything more to antagonize her but hoping my sincerity was clear by my mannerisms alone. Her heated stance relaxed slightly as she turned her back to me and laid on her side, her voice as she responded filled with cracks as if she was sobbing her response back to me.

“Just go ok. I’m tired and have had enough of people judging me. I thought you might be different but I can see their infectious cruelty has rubbed off on you as well.”

I knew this was not the moment to be crude but the words seeped from my lips before I could stop myself, “You have to give to receive.”

She turned onto her back and stared at me as if I had two heads. 

“Excuse me?” her words laced with annoyance and confusion.

“You asked for help and I answered but you are giving me little to work with Bella. Every word that comes out of your mouth is sarcastic and crude and if you expect sympathy, then give me a reason to sympathize with you. I came here to help you. I jeopardized my friend’s job just to find you and you sit here and make assumptions of me like you know the least bit about me. You asked me to save you and I thought being here proved I was willing to do just that but I can see you don’t need a savior you need a therapist. You need someone who is willing to put up with your nasty attitude so I am obviously not your man. I guess I can’t read people as well as I thought. I truly believed you had reached rock bottom and whole-heartedly needed someone to bring you back up but what you want is someone to dump on and I’m sorry this trash bin is filled to the brim. Good luck because at this rate, you will be all alone with those dark thoughts and no amount of pleading will save you.”

I pushed the chair away and made my way to the door. I left her lying there in complete shock over my outburst. There was nothing more I wanted than to help her but I would be damned if I had to scratch and claw my way through her tough skin to attain her trust. She asked me for help. She wanted me to save her and what did I get for my troubles? Sarcasm. My father didn’t raise no fool and this time if she wanted my help she was going to have to do a little more than put on a sad show. 

I was jeopardizing everything for her and she was going to have to give me something to make it worth it. I had to know there was a chance she could see through her blinders of resentment and acknowledge the good I was trying to do for her. 

I swung open the door and walked out. I stopped mid stride when I heard her whisper, “I’m sorry”. I smiled knowing that although I was abrupt and harsh, she was finally allowing someone in. I fought my minds demands to return to her room. I felt like a parent disciplining a child on right from wrong. If I succumbed to her then nothing would be learned from our brief conversation. I had to make her see that although I sympathized with her need, she couldn’t use me as her personal punching bag as well. 

As I made my way out to the car, I felt my cell phone vibrating from within my pocket. I was amazed to find I had five text messages in such a short time. I laughed as I scrolled through Embry’s text messages. This man had no patience but was funnier than all hell.

10:30pm 2/2/11 – Jake – WTF man do you not have a watch?

10:43pm 2/2/11 – Ok seriously I think you have lost your balls. I’m offering a free lay and you are standing me up.

10:45pm 2/2/11 – I am giving you till 11 to be here man and if you don’t I swear on Angelina Jolie’s next kid I will stick my foot so far up your ass, you will be shitting my shoe laces for weeks.

10:55pm 2/2/11 – Sorry I got so hostile. You know I love you man. The ladies are asking for their own CPR lesson. Don’t fail me now bud.

10:59pm 2/2/11 – Ok so honestly you are going to blow me off for some psycho patient? Are you shitting me? You better not be pushing me aside for some homicidal lunatic or I swear I will transfer. 

I hopped in the car wiping the tears that streamed down my cheeks as I read Embry’s last message. I swear he was my work wife. I didn’t need a girlfriend or a mother with a friend like him. He was always up my ass but at least I knew I could count on him in a bind. I went to dial his number when my phone prompted another message was received.I continued to drive as I read the message.

1:45am 2/3/11 – I hope you get gang green in your balls and die a virgin. Nah just messin wit ya. Hit me up. I’m still at the bar and I’m about to scooorrree baby. The Embry love machine is on fire tonight baby!

This man was going to give me a heart attack. I nearly rear ended the car in front of me when my vision was blurred by my tears of laughter. Embry was definitely a nice reprieve from such an intense night. 

When I entered the pub, it was no surprise that I found Embry at the bar with a woman on either side of him. He was piss ass drunk and from the looks of it, so were the girls. I shook my head as I made my way over to him. I knew I was going to have to be the party pooper and drag his drunken ass home but that’s what best friends did. You hated them for being too good but loved them just the same.

“Jaakkkeee” he slurred as he pushed passed the girls and hugged me. 

“Damn Em you smell like you fell into a beer barrel. How many have you had?”

“Oh please, I had one, two, four, seven…oh who the fuck cares. I feel good”

“Oh I’m sure you do. Now play nice and tell these lovely ladies good night. We are going home.”

“Oh come on mommy…can’t I stay and play. I did my chores like a good little boy” he said mockingly as he pushed me to the side and made his way back over to the women waiting for him at the bar.

“Listen Bro, we have to work tomorrow night. Let me take you home so you can sleep it off. You know the chief hates when you come to work still drunk. Come on” I replied as I wrapped my hand around his arm and pulled.

“Fine! You’re no fun anyway. God knows these women don’t want to hear about the last time you got laid. Oh wait. you never have. My bad.”

Normally a comment like that would have set me off but I knew he was too drunk to know better. I had been privy to Embry piss ass drunk before and although most of the time he was a fun drunk, when you rained on his parade things got ugly quickly.

I pulled him towards the door, his body constantly turning back towards the bar, his hands motioning “call me” back to the girls waving at him from across the room.

“Ok playboy let’s get you home”.

I managed to push him into the back seat and within a few minutes, he was out cold and snoring up a storm. His apartment was only a few minutes from the pub so we made it back rather quickly. I carried his drunken ass up three flights of stairs and dumped him on his couch. I set his TV alarm for ten pm and prayed it would wake him out of his drunken stumper.

The ride home was a bit traitorous as it started to snow quiet heavily. Thankfully I made it home without a scratch but had to park six blocks from the house. The frigid temps bit at my exposed skin. It felt like I was being stung by a swarm of bees, my skin red and irritated and my eyes drier than the dessert on a hot day. 

Thankfully the heat was repaired in my building and my warm home welcomed me back. I tore my wet clothes off and hopped into the shower. The warm water felt like heaven on my sore muscles and helped ease my troubled mind. 

I fought back my minds tireless demands to recount the evening’s events. I denied myself the ability to feel bad for what I had said to Bella. She needed a wakeup call and if I wasn’t the one to give it to her, she was destined for a life encased in padded walls. I knew I could help her but first she had to admit she was willing to see things my way.

I toweled off and made my way to the bedroom. Just as I was about to enter my bedroom, I heard a knocking at the door. I knew Embry was too inebriated to be paying me a visit and no one else knew where I lived so I was a bit curious as to the identity of my mysterious visitor. I moved cautiously towards the door, picking up my pocket knife from the dining room table on the way. 

I unlocked the door and cracked it open just enough to see who was on the other side. My jaw nearly dropped when I gazed upon a soaking wet Bella standing before me, shivering in a pair of scrubs.

“Bella what the…” I replied as I unhooked the chain and opened the door.

The minute the door opened she smiled and then fell limp into my arms. I didn’t know what to think but as I pulled her into the house and laid her on the couch all I could do was smile. I had finally broke ground and now the healing could finally begin.


	6. Chapter 5

I was both shocked and curious at the recent turn of events. It would seem that in the short time I was away from her, something clicked. I wished like hell I knew what made her decide to go from suicidal to criminal over night. Was it the fact that I stood my ground? Was it the sincerity and sternness in my voice? Was it the fact that I refused to help unless she helped herself? 

If I could pinpoint what made her break maybe I could use that very technique to make her confess. I looked at her trembling body, my eyes searching for something, anything that would help me understand how someone could be so broken? I wanted to believe that everyone had the ability to heal because if someone like Bella could, then maybe there was hope for me. 

My inner thoughts were disrupted when my ears caught wind of her teeth chattering loudly and her body almost convulsing violently upon my couch. I smacked myself, how could I be so stupid?” This woman was going to die of hypothermia, in MY living room, under MY care and what did I do? I stared at her as she slowly slipped from this earth. Fuckin moron. 

I ran to the hallway closet, grabbed my heating blanket, a few towels and on my way back to the living room, I grabbed one of my shirts from my open dresser drawer. I wasn’t gone more than a few minutes tops but it seemed long enough for the chattering to get worse and her tremors to come with more frequency and intensity. I had seen people freeze to death, hell I stared into the eyes of a homeless person who had in fact froze in place, but this was in a league of its own. It was almost like watching a junkie detox. I decided that staring at her wasn’t going to solve things so I turned off my methodical thinking and put my work cap back on. 

I pulled her up towards my chest and slowly removed her soaking wet top. Any other man would find complete arousal from the simple pressure of her bare breasts on my chest but not me. This had nothing to do with sex; this had everything to do with keeping her alive. I pulled my shirt over her head and carefully wrapped the heating blanket around her waist. Her body hung against me, lifeless, almost dead weight within my arms and that scared me. I couldn’t lose her, not again. I tried like hell to refocus on the importance of what I was doing.

I placed her back down on the couch, turned the heating blanket on and then went to remove the rest of her wet clothing. The chattering subsided once the warmth of the blanket seeped through her arctic skin. I pulled down her pants and through the soaking wet garments into the neighboring trash bin. Her panties were also wet and seeing as any wet garments were a hindrance to her rescue, I decided to turn my head to the side and remove those as well. I kept my eyes downward as I pulled my shirt down past her waist, concealing her personals from sight. I wasn’t a pervert. I was a paramedic and although I had seen far more graphic things in my time somehow, she was more special than anyone before her. 

A soft moan slipped from her lips. I turned back towards her, pulling the blanket I kept on the edge of the coach over her body as I glanced at her face. I tucked the side of the blanket into the seams of the couch making a cocoon around her to keep her still and warm. I started to move my hand away and that’s when the one hand not under the blanket moved onto mine and held its retreat. Her fingers were still so cold but that didn’t hinder her strong grip keeping my hand firmly against her chest.

My initial reaction was to pull away and let her rest. She had quiet the eventful night and I started to wonder how she knew where I lived. This woman had proved to be quiet resourceful when she wanted to be so I could only hope by coming here she was ready to move past the hurt. 

I sat with her for hours, watching each wince, moan and smile that came upon her soft ivory face. I didn’t move from my spot for fear it might disrupt the much needed rest her body required to recover. I did however continue to check her vitals because even if I had saved her from hypothermia, the cold that was soon to follow would be just as bad. 

After my mind and heart were assured she was resting peaceful, my eye lids got heavy and I fell asleep sitting right beside the couch, my hand still firmly within hers. 

I’m not sure how long I was out but the hard banging on my front door woke me up and had me scrambling to find a way to hide her from my visitor. I went to remove my hand from hers and just the simple shift in my movement privy me to her dreamy plea.

“Please don’t go”. She moaned, her body rustling between our hands, her head dripping with sweat from her heated cocoon and her lips still parted as if she had more to say.

“I’ll be right back promise” I whispered back, pulling my hand from hers.

I ran to the door hoping I was making a big deal out of nothing. It could be just one of those Jehovah witnesses or my neighbor down the hall, both inconsequential to say the least. I peeked through the peep hole and nearly shit my pants. Fuck! Of all the days to decide to join me on our ride to work, he had to pick today to swing by? 

I looked down at my appearance and although I was wearing the same cloths as yesterday, it really didn’t matter; it was Embry for crying out loud. I took a deep breath, moved the chain lock and bolt, cracked the door open and left just enough space so that my face was the only thing seen from the other side. 

“Hey” 

“Morning, listen I’m still a bit hung over so do you mind giving me a lift into work?”

“Em you didn’t need to come here to ask me to give you a ride. You could’ve called and I would have swung by and picked you up.”

“True but I thought maybe the cold winter air might make me feel better. I think one of those girls spiked my drink. I mean Jake…” he whispered as he motioned with his fingers for me to move closer in.

“I think my ass is on fire man”

I literally spit in his face, my boisterous laughter unable to be restrained by my weakened lips. I envisioned Embry’s ass blowing flames of fury as he ran around the hallway clinging to his ass for reprieve.

“It’s not funny. Christ Jake, it literally woke me out of my sleep and I barely made it to the bathroom without the shit seeping from my ass cheeks like a water fountain. I mean I had to walk four blocks clenching my ass cheeks together like I had been anally violated to get here. So not cool man, so not cool.”

“I think an ice cube or maybe even tucks is what your ass needs right now” I replied laughingly under my breath.

“Ok enough now. Damn I don’t confide in you so you can just through shit in my face. That’s my job remember?”

“True but come on, you left yourself open for that one.”

Embry nodded and replied “Listen, I think I need to use the can again before we leave. My stomach still isn’t quiet right and God knows I don’t want to leave myself open for cheap jokes. You know how the guys can get.”

I had to think quickly. If I didn’t allow him in, he would know something was up and if I allowed him in, I had to pray he didn’t see Bella bunched up in blankets on my couch. Fuck! What was I going to do? Lie, that’s what I can do. Just a tiny little white lie never hurt anyone right?

“I wish I could help ya out but the John is busted. It took me all night to clean up the shit from the floor and the super won’t be able to come till tomorrow, sorry.”

He stared at me as if he were trying to decide if I was lying or not or maybe it was just my conscious making me paranoid thinking he was thinking I was hiding something. My hand started to sweat and slip from the side of the door as the air filled with a momentary silence. He shook his head and for a moment, I felt confident he wasn’t going to press the issue.

“Fine, let’s just go. Give me your keys I’ll wait for you in the car. God knows I don’t want to wait in there” he replied motioning to my apartment with his head. “An overflowing shitter is not a force I wish to recon with.”

“Not in your fragile state” I replied with a huge smile on my face.   
“This is the last time I tell you anything. Best friend my ass” he mumbled as I handed him the keys to the car.

“I’ll be down in five.”

He waved his hand in the air and made his way towards the elevator. I slammed the door, ran into my room, changed and made one last check on Bella before leaving. I can’t say I wasn’t apprehensive about leaving her alone but what other choice did I have? I couldn’t call out of work on such short notice and I was still beyond curious about how she got out of the hospital and found out where I lived. I knew these questions would plague me my entire shift but at the very least I knew when I got home hopefully she would be in better states to speak with me. 

I decided to leave her a note hoping that if she did wake up before I got home, it would settle any uneasiness or fear she might experience waking up in an unfamiliar place with no recollection of how she got there. It was common that when the body went into shock sometimes events tend to get blurred slightly. It’s not permanent but any momentary loss of memory would scare anyone out of their wits.

I scribbled a short note on a spare pad, tore it from its holder, slid it under her rested hand and hoped she read it before doing anything drastic. The fact of the matter was, although I knew this woman was of no danger to me, I knew she was to herself so maybe just a few reassuring words might help ease her mind till I got back home.

Bella – I’m not sure if you remember what happened but somehow you managed to escape the hospital and find me. I had to work but will be back around ten am. Make yourself at home and if you need me my number is 555-6779 – see you soon – Jake.

I closed the door softly behind me and made my way out to the car. Embry being the impatient person we all knew him to be was bopping so strongly within his seat my poor little Honda Civic was literally rocking back and forth in defiance. I opened the door, sat down and then slapped Embry right upside the head.

“What the…”

“My car is not a toy. If you have to go to the bathroom so damn bad, there is an alley over there or hey here’s an idea, go home and get your own car.”

“What the hell crawled up your ass and died?”

“Oh a little man I like to call Embry Call.”

“Jake I won’t be anywhere near your ass man. I like the tender lips of a woman much more than your uptight ass so no worries here man.”

I pulled out of the spot and headed towards work. I guess I was being a little harsh on Embry but sometimes the man didn’t know when to turn the jokes off. He lived in his own little world and felt everyone had to accept it and sometimes, especially now when I had little sleep and a woman staying at my home that was less than stable, all I wanted to do was be home. Ironic isn’t it? I hated being home because being alone allotted my brain time to think but now, with someone else to focus on, all I wanted to be was with her. 

About fifteen minutes later we pulled up to the firehouse and just as we both walked through the main archway, the chief was screaming for us from his office that sat right above the garage bay. We both looked at each and that back up towards him as he huffed back into his office, slamming his glass doors as he entered.

Our boss was always very hot under the collar. He took every ounce of criticism positive or negative and made it into a big ordeal. A woman called once to thank us for getting her scared cat out of a tree, she even mailed us homemade cookies and the chief had a fit that clocked hours were made for working not helping the feline race. I never really understood why he always had a bug up his ass but it was all just part of the job I guess.

I politely knocked on the door, waited a few brief moments for his deep hoarse voice to respond and entered his smoke filled office right behind Embry.

“Call, Black, sit your insubordinate asses’ down. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you, if the call isn’t in your area, don’t answer it. Do you know how much shit I got for that bullshit stunt you pulled the other night? Chief Aster from Bus 2108 was livid. When he found out that his crew was a bunch of lazy asses that didn’t want to drive in the snow and forced the operator to call for another bus, he fired all of them, even the volunteers. Now I understand you are not to blame but how many times do I have to tell you two, if the call is out of your area, call the house before making the run. Now if it was just that than I would smack you on your asses and send you on your way but not only did you respond but you took the patient to a non-routed hospital. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, and this is the one that really chokes my chicken, your patient is a psychotic lunatic. Weren’t you two taught to notice the signs of someone that was not mentally stable? What do I hold these fucking classes for…so you guys can just jerk your pencil peckers for four hours? Anyway, Jake after your shift make sure you head over to the hospital, the dean of medicine needs to speak with you since you were the last one she made contact with and Embry you go with him. It appears our Jake here can’t see PYSCHO if it was written across a highway billboard.”

I went to reply but he beat me to it “That’s it. Get out. Do your jobs for once.”

We both walked out of the chief’s office with our heads hung low like two reprimanded teenagers. It wasn’t that the news he delivered was anything knew. He knew that Embry and I were ambitious and had countless times before taken on more than we could chew but each and every case turned out to be a success so all we received was a slap on the wrist. However, I guess in Bella’s case she was more of a festering scar than a paper cut. 

We stocked up the van and made our way over to the hospital. I have to admit, I wasn’t the least bit happy to meet with the Dean of medicine and Embry didn’t help matters in the least. He kept insinuating that it was Bella who had caused our recent issue with the chief and that had I not been so glued to saving her sorry ass we would be out saving lives instead of saving our own asses. I didn’t humor him and just allowed him to ramble the whole way to the hospital. 

In my opinion, I did the right thing so nothing bad could come from this visit right? How would I have known Bella would do anything drastic while in the care of her physician. I was merely the paramedic who brought her in, who cared for her until she was in the proper hands, so there was no need to be worried. 

Embry hung out by the nurse’s station while I headed to the dean’s office. It felt like I had the scarlet letter plastered on my chest the way all eyes were focused on me as I walked down the long corridor to the dean’s office. 

I knocked out of courtesy and when I was advised to enter, the second surprise of my life came into view. There before my eyes, tears flowing like an open faucet, lip quivering like a new born baby thirsting for a bottle was Maria. Her eyes were so swollen they looked almost closed and her lip was split and bleeding. 

“Mr. Black please have a seat.” Dean Marshall replied as she motioned towards the empty seat beside Maria.

My eyes stayed locked on Maria, her pain becoming my own. She was the only one other than Embry I could say was like family to me. Why hadn’t she called me? What was this all about? I would fucking kill who ever hurt her, I swear it. However just as quickly as my anger came rushing through my veins a realization came along with it and one I wasn’t truly prepared for. It was in that moment I realized my family’s pain was caused by the one person I was trying to save, Bella.


	7. Chapter 6

The air was thick with tension. The Dean excused herself for a moment to take an important phone call leaving Maria and I locked in a stare of confusion. My eyes pleaded with her while I mouthed “what happened?” hoping she would give me some insight into how she got hurt and what the hell was going on. This visit had everything to do with Bella but I didn’t for the life of me know how Maria got involved.

She just stared at me, her eyes filled with remorse which left me completely baffled. If Bella had in fact hurt her, why the hell was she looking at me as if she were the guilty party in all this? 

I took her trembling hand into my own and repeatedly begged for her omission. Her eyes shifted from mine to the Dean’s and back again, her fear of divulging any information prevalent by her quivering lip and shaky disposition. I knew whatever had happened while I was away was enough to scare her shitless and being in the Dean’s office wasn’t helping matters in the least. 

Before I could whisper a final plea, the Dean finished her phone call and addressed me.

“Mr. Black I’m sure by now your captain has advised you of why I’ve asked you here today.”

“Yes”

“So you are well aware of the patient known as Bella Swan?”

“Yes”

“So please enlighten me as to why you felt the need to go against company policy and visit her room when she resided in a restricted area?”

“To be honest, I felt that my presence would ease her transition. After we had managed to save her life it would seem she had grown attached to me in some way.”

“So you feel you are fully capable of handling her care? Is that what you are telling me?”

“No I think you misunderstood what I meant. What I was trying to say was after she was admitted to the ER; the staff were finding it hard to keep her restrained so since I felt I had maintained a good rapport with her, I offered my assistance. Needless to say, I managed to calm her with the assistance of a localized sedative. I know my actions are inexcusable but I felt a connection with this woman and I thought if she woke from her sleep in a strange place she would become just as violent as she was earlier that night. I apologize if my presence caused any undue harm but I was merely trying to help.”

“Mr. Black are you aware that Ms. Swan is currently missing? Are you aware that she not only assaulted a resident nurse, Maria and a security guard but is a danger to not only herself but to others? Do you also realize by actually interceding in her care you have caused more harm than good? I don’t think you have the foggiest idea of the implications of your actions Mr. Black.”

“Honestly Dean, I wasn’t aware of neither her escape nor her means in which to attain it but I truly didn’t see any harm in visiting her. In all honesty, I feel she has become a victim in all this. Yes she tried to take her own life but that doesn’t constitute a strait jacket or a padded cell. I think she is a victim of a system that would sooner push their patients off on others rather than truly deal with the matter at hand. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job nor am I justifying her escape but merely that I feel in her case, she is in need of help but not one found in a psychiatric ward.”

I knew I was overstepping my bounds with the Dean. I knew that any insinuation about the hospitals shortcomings wouldn’t benefit my case in any way but at the same time, I really felt they were doing an injustice when it came to Bella. I hoped that maybe if someone outside the realm of patient care brought that to their attention, maybe just maybe, they would see the flaws I was privy to last night.

“Tell me Mr. Black, what degrees or certifications do you have in physical or mental education?”

“None”

“So please tell me why you feel compelled to do the job of the licensed professionals in this hospital?”

“I don’t …”

“Exactly you don’t. I understand you feel a sense of empathy for this woman and although our system may seem flawed to you, it has worked quiet effectively for us in the forty years this hospital has been running. I have to say Mr. Black, I’m not only disappointed in you but in Maria as well. She confessed to me that she was the one who had given you Bella’s room and for that she has been suspended for two weeks. However, as for you, unfortunately, I have no authority to issue any punishment but I will tell you this, if you ever go against hospital policy again or if I find out you had anything to do with Ms. Swan’s escape, I will not only strip you of your bus, certification and merit but I will have you arrested. Do we understand one another?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Good. Then I hope to never see you in my office again.” 

I nodded and followed Maria out of the office. Once I shut the door behind me and turned to address her, I noticed she was halfway down the hallway and moving faster by the second. I was surprised to say the least. 

Maria and I had become close during my tenure as a paramedic and this almost sneaky behavior was quiet alarming. We had always been open and honest with one another since the very start. We were both very private people and not ones for idol gossip or bullshit of any kind; I guess that is why we clicked. She was more like a mother figure to me than anything else. She and I were only a few years apart but had experienced things in our lives that made physical age and mental age two totally different things. We confided in one another and knew that whatever was said was kept under wraps and I truly valued her insight and guidance. You can understand why this sudden change in demeanor would be startling to me and made me quiet skeptical to the validity of this event as a whole.

I hollered out for her to stop but that only seemed to make her move faster. 

“Maria hold up” I hollered with what little voice I had left.

“Please Jake just let me go”

“Maria please, you have to talk to me. You’ve always been able to talk to me. Just tell me what happened.”

She turned towards me the same look of disgust and sadness written all over her face as she wiped the lingering tears from her cheeks. 

“Please I need to know” I pleaded.

I was desperate for the truth. I had to know what Bella was capable of if I was to truly help her.  
“Not here” she whispered as her eyes shifted left to right.

“Meet me after your shift and we will talk ok?”

I nodded and she did the same. We parted ways; she entered the elevator while I took the stairs. I was beyond curious why she seemed so secretive and scared about the whole incident. Although I was leery about letting her go, I had to trust her. She had never given me a reason not to so I had to believe she would meet me after work.

I joined Embry by the nurses’ station, motioned with my head for him to follow me back out to the bus.

We made our way out of the hospital and onto the open road. My mind was swirling with all the possible outcomes of what could have transpired last night. I couldn’t help but feel like this was all my fault. If I hadn’t asked Maria to do me the favor, none of this would have happened. Sometimes I hated being the good guy but it was the only thing I was actually good at. I always wore my heart on my sleeve, never shielding my true passion to help and never hiding my emotions from those I cared about.

We drove in silence but like most nights, Embry never allowed the silence to last longer than a few minutes.

“So did she cut your balls off?”

“Honestly Em, what is it with dicks and pussy? Is that all you ever think about?”

“Hell yeah, I’m a man and if you were half the man I was you would think about it too.” He replied laughingly.

I shook my head and just laughed. Leave it to Embry to make light of an otherwise very serious issue.

“For your information, my balls are still intact but boy is she a piece of work. Talk about a tight ass.”

“Hell yeah she is. That woman’s ass is tighter than a prisoner’s ass during a shower. I bet you she is one hard core lover in the sack though. I can hear it now, spank me Embry spank me”

“I think she is a little more than even you can handle Em. She is strung a little too tight.”

“Yeah plus it might be all cob webs and rust up in there. Her pussy might saw off my dick it’s so damn dry.”

I nearly spit out my water at his comment. I got such a visual it was hard not to laugh. After a few minutes, when I could actually breath I replied, “Yeah well she strung me and Maria out pretty bad. Let’s just say, I don’t want to see her dark side ever again.”

“Maria? What does Maria have to do with anything?”

“Well apparently since Maria is the one who told me where to find Bella, it got her suspended for two weeks with a matching black eye and busted lip to show for it.”

“No shit! I knew that Bella was a hard ass but damn.”

“Yeah but funny thing is, I have a feeling Bella didn’t do the damage. After we met with the Dean, Maria ran away from me like I had caution tape wrapped around my body. I had to chase her down the hallway and if not for the elevator being stuck, I might have never reached her. Anyway, she said we could talk but after work. It was so strange, it seemed like she was scared or something.”

“Did the Dean say anything else? Were there other people involved?”

“Well she said a nurse and security guard were hurt. “

It was in that moment that a light bulb went off in my head. Maria was a nurse but she said in addition to Maria a nurse was hurt. It hadn’t occurred to me until now that maybe this other nurse had something to do with Maria’s skittish behavior. I knew if anyone would know about the personnel, it would be Embry.

“Em, do you know any nurses who work in the psych ward?”

“Yeah…um…Rachel, Michelle, Dana, Dora and oh…Frank”

“Frank?”

“Yeah he is the only male nurse in the hospital. The doctors are always ranking on him that he must be a pussy because he doesn’t’ have the balls to go to med school and become a doctor. To be honest, he just rubs me the wrong way.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know, just something about him. Listen I might be a chauvinist pig and treat woman like yummy pieces of meat but that guy puts even me to shame. He is just down right dirty.”

I felt the anger and rage brew deep in the pit of my stomach as images of what could’ve possibly transpired to warrant such aggression seeped into my thoughts. How blind was I not to see it before? I had always thought next to a police precinct, a hospital was the next safest place but was it possible that politics weren’t the only thing to corrupt such a place.

My hand braced the side arm of the bus, my emotions dripping off me in beads of sweat as I grew more angry and restless within the confines of the bus. I didn’t have all the facts but just the thought of that man, a man who was supposed to be saving lives not harming them, had his hands not only on Bella but Maria as well was fueling my unyielding anger and need to let off some steam.

My heated breath fogged up the window beside me and caused Embry to pat me on the shoulder in an effort to calm my obvious anger.

“Jake whatever it is that is pissing you off man; you have to keep it at bay. We are on the clock and we are knee deep in the chief’s shit right now. We can’t have another incident or he is sure to suspend us without pay. I don’t know about you, but my rent doesn’t pay itself man.”

I tried to breathe through the anger and calm myself. Embry was right. There was no use in getting all worked up over something I could do nothing about nor something I wasn’t sure had validity. I had to focus on my job for now but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t overly anxious to confirm what I felt strongly had transpired that night.

The night carried on like every other. We had several bogus calls and a few noteworthy ones as well. For the most part, it was fairly quiet and when it inched closer to the end of the shift, the quietness was starting to eat away at my patience. 

Finally nine-thirty came and we were in and out of the firehouse faster than shoppers hitting the stores on Black Friday. I dropped Embry off home and headed towards the hospital to meet Maria.

When I arrived, I was surprised to see that she wasn’t waiting for me outside so I went inside to see if maybe she had been held up on a case. When I inquired with the girls at the desk, they advised me she went home sick. I started to think that maybe her sickness had a name and that name was Frank. 

I decided to use my Embry-like charm and see if I could gain any additional information about Frank from the nurses on shift. Most if not all of them had nothing but kind words to say about Frank but being a great reader of people, I could see the blatant lies seeping from their lips as they used words like, friendly, helpful and kind. Each nurse that spoke never directed her eyes at me when she responded and their smiles which were obviously phony and seemed to dip a little at the edges. These little details made it that much clearer to me that Frank was a bigger piece of shit than I had anticipated. It would seem that Maria was not the only one who had fallen victim to Frank’s “kindness” and if I found out that my inklings were true, God help the man.

I wished all the nurses a good evening and decided to head over to Maria’s house to check on her. I knew the woman wasn’t sick and I also knew “sick” was a cover up word for fear.   
I pulled into her driveway, parked the car and headed for the front door. Before I could even knock, John opened the door and stopped me from getting any closer.

“Jake please don’t do this”

I looked at him questionably and replied “Do what John? Attain the truth?”

His eyes were pleading for me to just let it be. I could see he was hurting just as much as Maria and he had her best interest at heart when he asked me not to press the matter.

“Jake she just needs some time. You know as well as I do she doesn’t handle conflict well and the meeting with the Dean really rattled her. Just give her a day or two.”

“Is that what she told you? John listen, it’s not like me to get between you and Maria but I think there is more to this than she is letting on. If you can just give me five minutes, I’m sure I can get through to her.”

“Jake you know both Maria and I think of you as family so I’m asking you, no begging you, to just let this be. No good can come from talking right now. She is a basket case. Please, if you won’t do it for me, do it for her.”

As much as I wanted to continue arguing my case, I knew John was just doing what was best for his wife. I had to put my own wants and needs aside because when it came down to it; Maria meant more to me than beating the living shit out of Frank. I conceded to his request and asked him to call me when she was well enough to talk. He thanked me profusely and walked me to my car.

I pulled out of the driveway and as I passed the house, I saw Maria peering out from the bedroom window looking worse than she had earlier. I wanted to stop the car, climb the siding and comfort her more than anything. I was desperate to make things right. I waved at her which caused her to hide behind the curtain and shield herself from me. It hurt like hell to see her like this but at the same time, I knew eventually she would spill and I just had to be patient. 

I arrived home about an hour later. When I exited the elevator, the Smokey aroma of freshly cooked bacon enticed my senses and pulled me towards its origin. You can imagine my surprise when I was lead right to my front door. 

I turned the key in the lock and opened the door. The sight before my eyes nearly caused me to fall back in shock. Bella was awake and actually cooking breakfast. I stood there completely frozen in place and as if that wasn’t enough of a surprise, the smile that paraded her face nearly brought me to my knees. Was I dreaming? Did I have the right house? 

I couldn’t believe the woman I had saved from death, psychiatric hold and hyperthermia was in my kitchen cooking breakfast. 

“Good morning Jake. Care for some breakfast? I hope eggs and bacon work.”

I nodded and walked slowly over to the breakfast nook. I wasn’t’ sure what to expect but I knew aside from cooking there was more I wanted from her and maybe with a little charm, I might actually get some answers to this mystery. The mystery known as Bell Swan.


	8. Chapter 7

My mind screamed like a parent cautioning a child not to touch the scolding hot fire of the stove, don’t get to close to the flame or you will get burned. I found it hard to rationalize these thoughts, my mind telling me to stay away while my heart pumped vigorously through my chest signifying to move in closer. 

I sat at the breakfast nook watching Bella go through the motions obviously curious on what had brought on this sudden change in demeanor. I knew not to be too bold and just blurt out what first came to mind but at the same time, I felt like I had held back long enough and if she truly wanted my help, I need answers. How I went about getting those answers was the key. 

I decided to be patient and just see how things progressed. I had to make sure that this happiness she was experiencing wasn’t temporary because God knows I didn’t need another psychotic suicidal episode to happen in my own house. I sat quietly just watching her search through the cabinets surrounding the stove for a set of plates. I was about to comment on the lack of silverware when I heard her say “Ah ha”.

I tried to refrain from laughing a bit. It was just the tone and pitch of her voice that I found quiet silly and comedic. It reminded me so much of when Elmer Fudd found Bugs Bunny. She stood on her tippy toes trying to inch the plate from the shelf with her fingertips. After several failed attempts, I decided maybe since I was taller I might have a better chance at obtain the plate without incident. Unfortunately, just as I rounded the corner of the breakfast nook, the plate slipped from the edge of the shelf just as Bella lost her balance and fell along with it onto the tiled kitchen floor. 

I rushed to her aid while she began to apologize profusely for the accident.

“I’m so sorry Jake. God can’t I do anything right? Please let me” she replied crawling onto her knees and trying to pick up the random pieces of broken plate scattered around the floor. 

“It’s ok Bella really. It’s only a plate. It’s no big deal.”

She didn’t respond at first and it was only when I had put my hand on her forearm and forced her to stop did I see the tears streaming down her face and the look of utter disappointment and fury in her eyes. 

“Bella?” I whispered hoping she would look up and see I wasn’t mad and that there was no need to be upset. However when our eyes finally connected for one brief moment, disgust still resided and her eyes quickly darted back down towards the floor.

“Sometimes I just think I’m destined to fail. You know like I was born broken. Nothing will ever fix me and nothing can even come close to making me whole. I’m useless.” She whispered as the tears splashed down onto the floor, her arms violently shaking and her hands gripping the sharp plate shards within her palm with such a need it almost scared me into thinking that she was trying to do harm to herself once again.

I moved slowly taking her hand into my own, the blood dripping over the edges and coating my hands like red paint. I placed my other hand under her chin and gently lifted up, her eyes meeting mine, her pain stabbing me right in the heart as her lower lip quivered and the desperation flowed from her lids in unending tears. 

The feelings between us were undeniable. Her pain was my pain and although she felt worthless and unfit to walk this earth, it was my job to show her otherwise. I had to make her see that one life was just as important as any other. Pain is only permanent if you make it so. I wanted to ease that pain and on some level erase it but in order to do that, I had to find a way to find the source. I had to know what made her feel this way other than her clumsiness and hermit tendencies. 

Unlike her, I didn’t believe people were made to be broken, they became that way because of events in their past or present. People were born out of love, a love their parents shared and therefore were worthy of that same intense love throughout their lives. My father believed in this and for a short time I did too. 

I’m not a martyr or without my own demons but what I am is honest and compassionate. If I can show this woman who is seemingly so burned by her past she can’t see what good her future holds, that there is still hope, then maybe just maybe my own afflictions can heal as well.

I forced her tightly clutched fingers apart so I could remove the sharp stones from her hand. I felt her resist but kept my eyes on hers as I continued to remove the pieces trying to keep her focused on my eyes and not what I was doing. After I had removed some of the larger pieces, I whispered “Can you sit here for just a moment? I have to get some supplies from the bathroom to get this cleaned up.”

She stared at me questionably almost like she wondered why I continuously tried to help her. I think to some degree she doubted my intent. Something or someone had truly hurt her and although I was desperate to obtain some answers, I knew being forceful or inquisitive wasn’t going to gain me any brownie points with her.

She nodded, her eyes returning back to the ground and her hand extending back out to retain the remaining pieces of stone on the floor. I was quick to stop her hand “Just stay still ok? For me?”

I knew she had no reason to listen to me or want to do anything for me but at the same time, she did come here knowing I could help her so I had to take a chance that she would listen at least for now. Again she nodded and this time, cupped her bloody hands into one another and stayed seated in the center of the kitchen floor.

I ran to the bathroom, grabbed the hydrogen peroxide, bandages, tweezers and cotton balls. Once I had the bundle tight to my chest, I ran back and found her still seated on the floor except this time, she was rocking back and forth, the tears still streaming down her cheeks, her bloody hands trying to shoo them away while she mumbled under her breath.

I knelt down in front of her, placed the first aid gear next to me and softly placed my hand on her shoulder, halting her incessant rocking.

“I’m sorry Jake. I didn’t know this plate held such value for you. God I’m so sorry” she whispered between her quivering lips.

“Bella it’s alright. It’s just a plate.”

She looked up at me, the remorse and sadness dissipating as if it were all a sick game and obvious anger and disgust replacing it just as quickly.

“Just a plate! How could you say that Jake? I broke a plate you made for your family. See it says it right here – For the Best Dad in the World! You’re telling me you don’t care that I broke something you yourself made, a piece of your history? Does your family mean that little to you?”

Her response freaked me out. Yes my family meant more to me than anything else but who was she to make assumptions of me or my character without knowing the least bit about me. I tried to contain the anger she was invoking in me. I had to remember I was dealing with someone less than sane at the moment. 

It had never occurred to me that there was anything psychologically wrong with Bella aside from her blatant disregard for authority, her lack of manners, her feelings towards life in general, oh and let’s not forget the emotional roller coaster ride she frequently took on a daily basis. Yes all of these things should have been a red flag. It should’ve been a blinking red light telling me to back the hell off but I just couldn’t. On some level I felt connected to her. I felt like she came into my life for a reason and although I thought the reason was crystal clear, those lines seemed to blur every time she opened her mouth and something outlandish and harsh came out. 

“Bella you need to calm down. Yes that plate does hold some meaning to me but right now my priority is to attend to the wound on your hand. Accelerating your blood pressure is not helping matters right now. Let me tend to these wounds and then we can talk.” I replied in a slightly harsh tone.

Her eyes eased slightly as I pulled her hand from her chest and held it close to my own so I could assess the damage. I pulled the tweezers from beside me and attempted to remove the few pieces of stone still lodged in her palm. I felt her reluctance, her fear vibrating through her arm and out through her hand as she began to shake. I tried to keep my focus on the task at hand because if I hesitated even for one moment it meant I was more scared than she was at performing a duty I had done countless times before.

A soft whimper echoed through my ears as the cold metal of the tweezers took hold of the stone. I wiggled it a bit to see if it would dislodge without force and thankfully it had. The same went for the five other pieces as well and before you knew it, the wound was medicated and bandaged up. 

“Ok I think we are good here. Let’s get you to your feet and I will tend to this mess later ok?” I replied while rising to my feet and extending my hand to help her up.

She rose on her own accord and surprisingly without my assistance. She took several steps past me and as if her legs turned to goo and her falling onto the floor was moving in matrix style slow motion, I made a quick two steps and caught her before she returned to the ground. Her face was paler than ivory soap and her body colder than ice. I picked her up by her legs and carried back out to the couch. I knew her to have strength but someone who had went through an attempted suicide, sedatives, possible assault, below zero degree walks and deep laceration was in no condition to walk let alone cook breakfast or be on her feet. 

I placed her down slowly and carefully back onto the couch. I pulled the blanket up over her body and tucked it tightly around her small frame. Her eyes never lost sight of me the whole time and although she was fighting hard not to submit to my will, her body gave her no other choice.

“We’ll seeing as you are complete incapacitated at the moment…maybe now is a good time to have that little chat huh?” I replied enthusiastically.

“What do you mean?” she whispered as she fought her eye lids from closing.

“Well for starters, you can tell me a little about yourself and in turn I will do the same.”

“What if there’s nothing to tell?”

“That’s a little hard for me to believe. You don’t just wake up one day and decide hey looks like a nice day to kill myself.” I replied sarcastically, my obvious annoyance at her deterrence to speak about anything Bella getting on my last nerve.

“Did anyone ever tell you you’re a bit too sarcastic?” 

I couldn’t help but smile as I took a seat on the floor beside the couch. “Maybe” I replied as I pulled my work boots off and got comfortable.

“You know what? Since you seem to be so secretive, I will tell you a little about me. Maybe that will ease your obvious suffering when it comes to divulging anything about yourself.”

I felt her rustle a little on the couch, her body settling into the fluffy cushions and turning sideways to face me while my face stayed straight forward and my eyes focused on the wall opposite me.

“We’ll I was born Jacob Black on January 1, 1988 on a small reservation in La Push, Washington. My mother’s name is Sarah and my father’s name is Billy. I’m an only child and recently found my passion in the field of paramedics.”

“Your parents must be quiet proud of you.”

I knew bringing up my family would cause me grief but what else do you bring up when speaking about yourself? I couldn’t tell her my mother was a deadbeat, my father was dead and all of it was because I lacked the courage to do what in my heart I knew was right. I couldn’t say hi my name is Jacob and I’m a fuck up oh and yeah, I save lives because I’m atoning for the one I couldn’t save. Oh and by the way, I only saved you because I believe on some level we are soul mates and my atonement includes making you see past your evil cloud of darkness into the bright light of life even if I don’t see it myself. Nope, not a good ice breaker at all so I started simple but in doing so, opened up a can of worms I wasn’t ready for at all.

“Yeah I guess you could say that” I replied while rubbing the back of my head nervously hoping she wouldn’t see the obvious discomfort I was feeling over the topic.

“Jake, why did you save me?”

The answer was obvious but the truth laced within that answer was far more complex. There were so many reasons I saved a person’s life and no one more important than the other. Life was a gift and when a person chooses to take that gift and toss it away like a useless piece of garbage, I feel it is my duty, no my obligation to remind them how precious it truly was. 

“Because it’s not your time yet. I know life at times can seem hopeless but it is in those times that we have to reach deep within ourselves and find hope. My life hasn’t been easy but never once did I see hurting myself as an option and believe me Bella, I had all the tools and means to do so. My father always taught me that life was a gift and that each person had a purpose in this life whether they saw it or not. Each person had a reason for doing the tasks required of them because in the grand scheme of things, their life affected the lives of others. It’s hard to see past our own hurt and pain but he always felt if life was taken, it was for a reason just like if life was given it was because that person was called by a higher power to do something that would affect everything and everyone around them. Whether you see it or not Bella, you have a purpose. Your life has meaning it just seems you’ve lost sight of that.”

“So in other words…you are my guardian angel. Your purpose is to define mine.”

“No” I replied laughingly.

“I’m not a divine being or a psychic that can see the future but I do feel like I can help you if you’ll let me. I might not be able to fix you but you’re not beyond repair. You just have to let me in. You have to show me what it means to be Bella and maybe in turn, I might be able to show you what your guarded eyes fail to see.”

“And what’s that?”

“Hope” I replied as I turned to glance at her over my shoulder.

I could see the wheels turning in her mind as her eyes chased mine back and forth searching for sincerity, truth and trust. I knew trust was a big issue for her. I could see she was fighting a losing battle in her mind, her thoughts telling her to put up that brick wall and her heart telling her to give in. Any other person would’ve pressed further but not me. If there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that everything happens in its own time. No amount of force, mental or physical was going to make her open up to me. All I could do was be honest and hope the sincerity and compassion outshined any doubts she might have about me. 

We stared into one another eyes for a while almost like a game I used to play as a kid with my dad. You would look into each other’s eyes and the first one to blink was the loser. Well needless to say, I always won so this time I wasn’t backing down, not from this. 

She was the first to turn away, her hand coming up from under the blanket and running loosely through her hair and then tugging slightly in agitation. 

“Listen Bella…I’m not forcing you to stay here but you came to me and told me you needed my help. I’m offering it to you freely but under two conditions. They are honesty and disclosure. Now I know it is hard to trust someone you just met but even with a stranger, honesty is always the best policy. I won’t lie to you and so I expect you won’t do the same. As far as disclosure, well that goes hand in hand with honesty. With time, I expect you to be open with me, allow me into your little world so I can better understand how and if I can help you. If you feel these two conditions are harsh then in the morning I will drop you home and we will go our separate ways but if you concede and stay, I will expect you to uphold this conditions as your own. Understood?”

“Just give me some time to think about it, ok Jake? Just let me rest.”

“Rest it is” I replied as I rose to my feet and nodded. I watched her readjust her position and get comfortable. I waited for her eyes to close and to hear her breathing more easily before I left. The sight of her caused my body to feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. 

My job gave me a reason but Bella gave me purpose. My goal was to resurrect the woman inside and convince her that life was worth living. If somewhere in our journey together something more came from that so be it but ultimately I had to see this thing through. If this tortured soul could crawl up from the emptiness of hell into the light then maybe mine could too. I promised to show her hope and that hope had to start with me.


	9. Chapter 8

Rest didn’t come easily for me. I lied awake staring at the various cracks and chipped paint of my ceiling for what seemed like hours but when I checked my alarm clock, it had only been twenty minutes. My body was filled with a rush of excitement, anticipation and a slight tinge of fear. Was I in over my head here? Was it within my power to save this woman and if so, why is it that I can’t save myself?

My mind recalled the words she spoke while we were seated on the floor in the kitchen. Sometimes I think I was born broken. It boggled my mind that she felt like she was destined to fail, that nothing in her life was worth enough to continue living. It was a sad existence but for a time, I too felt the same way. I would never consider going to such extremes as to end my life but I can’t say the thought never crossed it.

A heavy burden rested on my shoulders and although I felt somewhat confident it was a load easily removed by time and disclosure, there was still that tinge of doubt. I doubted I would fully gain her trust, that she would open up to me and that I would in fact be able to show her that life was a sequence of hurdles some harder to climb than others but all with a purpose to make us better people. I laughed inwardly at the notion. My father, God rest his soul, said these same words to me when I was a boy and the more I experienced life, the more I saw such words become reality. 

It’s not how far we come or what we do to get there but what we do with the knowledge of our past that makes our future a reality. These words were ones I had come to live by and I hoped Bella would as well. 

I leaned onto my side and forced my eyes to close. I was never fond of sleep but it would seem my body was thankful for the welcome reprieve at least for now.

I felt a cold wind hit my face. My eyes fluttered and when the room came into focus, I found my window had sprung open. I rustled out of bed but when my feet hit the floor they instantly lifted at the coldness of my saturated floors. I stared down at the floor startled and curious. My entire bedroom floor was covered in water and it seemed to be coming from outside the hallway. 

I stood up and made my way out to the hallway. When I cleared my bedroom door and hopped through the puddles of water towards the living room, I noticed Bella wasn’t on the couch. Panic and fear rushed through in a storming fury. I took a deep breath, my eyes scanning the living room in a fenzy to see where she might have crawled off to. 

It was in that moment that my heart raced and my body began to tremble with anger and fear. I turned to my left and saw the bathroom door closed with the light on. The water was cultivating from under the door and that’s when I knew what had happened. 

I ran towards the door, pulled at the handle but it was locked. I screamed for her to open the door but there was no response. I banged and hollered in fear I might be too late. I put my shoulder into the door, the wood frame crackling and splitting at my force but not enough to free it from the lock. In a heated fury I took two steps back and then put my whole body into it forcing the door open and off the hinges. 

The sight before my eyes was the same as the night I met her. Her body lied lifeless in a puddle of blood and water, her wrists cut and her body pale within inches of death. I fell to my knees in guilt. Deep down I knew I wouldn’t be enough to save her and instead of listening to my conscious, I listened to my heart. I crawled on my hand and knees in a desperate attempt to reach her in the hopes she was still breathing. 

When I reached the tub, I couldn’t help but notice a note scrunched up in her hand. I pulled her from the water and rested her body on my knees. I leaned down and listened to see if she was breathing but nothing was coming out. I decided to push aside my failure and try and revive her. I slid her onto the wet floor and applied pressure to her stomach. I put all my strength into my hands trying to force the water out but each time I pushed, nothing happened. 

After several minutes, I knew it was too late. I wasn’t enough to save her. I fought the tears of disgust and anger off my face with the back of my hand. I was angry that she didn’t have enough faith in herself to know her life meant something and furious with myself for ever thinking I could leave her alone. In my anger I forced her clenched hand open and retrieved the letter. I pulled it apart and read it and that’s when my heart stopped.

I know you’ve tried to fix me but like I said, some things were made to be broken and you can’t fix what’s meant to be. I’ve accepted my fate and I hope in time you will accept my decision. Please know it has nothing to do with you because sometimes things are just out of our hands. You can’t control destiny and as much as I hate the pain my death will be, I know in time you will heal and move on. I wish you the best. B

Her words were cold and the pain of her disclosure stung my heart like alcohol on an open wound. How could she feel this way when everything I had done was proof that I cared enough to help? Were my actions not enough? Was there something more I could’ve done to change this fate? 

“Why?” seeped from my lips as my hands pulled her lifeless body to my chest.

I held back the tears but even those couldn’t be restrained for long. My pleas came screaming out of my chest in anger mixed with confusion. “Why did you do this Bella!? I could have helped you. Why didn’t you allow me the time to help you?”

It was in that moment I heard her voice, my eyes darting down to her lifeless body as if by some miracle she was still alive. You are helping the voice repeats and in my confusion I reply “Bella??”

Wake up Jake. Please wake up. You’re scaring me. 

The room around me shifts and slowly disappears as my eyes open and regain sight. When I turn to my left I see Bella, alive, sitting beside me with her hand on my forearm. My body is wet with sweat and although I feel relieved it was all a dream, I couldn’t help but feel burdened by the fact that there was still some truth to this tragedy. My fear had manifested itself and my doubt of being able to rebuild her shattered world was stronger than ever. It was clear to me that if I was going to help her I had to be sure nothing like this would happen. I had to hear her promise me.

I moved my hand onto hers, my eyes pleading with hers for honesty and sincerity. 

“Promise me that if you do decide to stay that you won’t…” my thumb moving her wrist up and gliding over the bandage above her self-inflicted wounds as I whispered “do this to yourself again”.

I knew I was asking a lot from her but was I really? I heard her sigh under her breath and reply “I promise”. 

“Jake I know there is still a lot we have to work out but I’m willing to give this a chance. I’m not sure how I feel or the truths I might discover but in a strange way, I feel safe with you and it’s a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. Just as I promise not to harm myself you have to promise me not to push ok? If I say stop please just stop. I don’t react well to force or people imposing their values onto me like I’m their child. I don’t need people to tell me how I should feel or what I should do to make my life better. I just need someone to listen not problem solve my life. I know what I did seems crazy but to me it was more of a release from a life filled with enormous pain.”

The pain of her reveal fell in the form of tears, splashing against our adjoined hands and running down onto the mattress below us. I knew this journey we were about to embark on would be filled with more pain than either one of us was prepared to deal with but it was one we had to venture upon if she truly wished to be happy. 

“I promise I won’t push. I’m a patient man Bella. I’m not asking for a miracle. I’m merely asking that you let me inside that well-built fortress around your heart. Let me experience the pain and show you a way out of it. We are not so different you and I but you will see that soon enough.”

Her hand moved up from her side and wiped the lingering tears from her eyes as she smiled. My heart skipped at the gesture. She was utterly radiant when momentary happiness filled her and I hoped I would be privy to that smile the more we moved past her pain and into a place of peace and contentment.

“Can I ask you a question?” she whispered as her eyes looked up from the mattress and stared into mine.

“Yes”

“What were you dreaming about?”

A knot formed in my chest, the tense feeling so overwhelming it made it nearly impossible to breathe. After a few debilitating moments I was able to regain my voice and reply in a low whisper “you”.

Her eyes scrunched together like she was deep in thought. I honestly didn’t want to say more. I didn’t want to admit I feared I would fail her and that she would meet the same untimely demise as before. What I wanted her to feel was nothing but empowered from me.

“Oh” she replied as she pulled her hand from mine.

Before I could address the matter further my phone vibrated in my jeans. I was tempted to ignore it but it seemed a welcome reprieve from sticking my foot further in my mouth than it already was. When I pulled it out and flipped up the screen up, I couldn’t help but be surprised by the name and number flashing before me. It was Maria.

I decided to answer in case it was in fact an emergency. “Hello”

“Hey Jake its Maria. Do you think you have a few minutes to meet before your shift tonight?”

Her cheerful voice had me curious. This was the woman that I had trusted, befriended and in the blink of an eye had become a stranger to me. Her instant recuperation startled me and I couldn’t help but feel apprehensive about agreeing to meet.

“Yeah I don’t see that being a problem” I forced out. 

“Great see you in a half hour then” she replied and hung up abruptly without giving me a second to reply.

I flipped the phone closed and stared at it questionably. Maria for the first time had me baffled. I wasn’t sure what to make of that brief and out of nowhere conversation but at the same time, I was eager to find out what she wanted to talk about. 

Bella had since moved off the bed and back out into the living room. I moved off the bed and decided to check in on her while heading towards the bathroom.

When I glanced into the living room I found her sitting comfortably on the couch writing on a pad. I was intrigued yet thought it best not to intrude since she looked deep in thought. “I have to take a quick shower before work. Will you be ok?”

“Yeah go ahead. I’m fine here” she replied with a quick smile.

I freshened up and just as I was about to open the door I realized I didn’t bring my uniform in the bathroom with me. Shit! I wasn’t used to having people over so the thought never occurred to me to bring my change of cloth into the bathroom.

I felt slightly embarrassed as I exited the bathroom in just a towel and made a mad dash for the bedroom. Before I could clear the door my towel got caught on the handle and pulled off my body. I could hear a soft giggle from the living room and that’s when I felt nothing but pure embarrassment fill my cheeks.

“Sorry, Sorry, Sorry” I hollered as I pushed through my door and slammed it behind me. 

I wasn’t embarrassed of my body but at the same time, this was not how I wanted Bella to actually see me naked. A romantic setting, maybe some candle light, a little foreplay, a little childish banter but not like this. 

I cursed under my breath for my stupidity while I put on my uniform and combed through my hair. I tried to swallow the mortifying feeling of having to face her on my way out as I opened the door and made my way to the kitchen.

Bella was still intensely writing on the couch as I passed by and entered the kitchen. I pulled the milk carton from fridge and without thought chugged away. Before I could take my last gulp I heard her say “milk does a body good”. 

I nearly choked on the big swig I took, pulled the carton away from my lips and swung my finger left to right at her while I swallowed. “Not nice Ms. Swan” I replied while trying to catch my breath.

I placed the milk back in the fridge and headed for the door. “Listen I have to meet a friend before my shift but I should be back around 9:30 tomorrow morning. Will you be ok here alone? There is some money in the desk drawer for food or you can order in. My cell number is on a post note on the fridge as well just in case.”

“Ok.” I could hear the slight disappointment in her voice at my departure but there was nothing I could do. Duty calls. 

I nodded and headed out. I felt bad and slightly apprehensive about leaving her alone but I couldn’t call out. That would draw too much attention for sure. I never called out of work even when I was sick. That wasn’t me and I knew if I started now that would raise all hell and hell was the last thing I needed at the moment.

I found a spot just a few blocks from the firehouse and was relieved to find Maria waiting for me just outside the bay. I tried to get a read from her stance and facial expressions however she seemed to be back to normal and that struck me as off.

“Hey there stranger” she hollered at me.

“I could say the same. How are you feeling?”

“Never better” she replies and for a second I was fooled by her obvious fake smile but I knew her better than most. I knew she was hiding the fear and disgust from that night’s event.

“Are you sure about that?” I inquired as I placed my hand on her shoulder.

“Listen Jake what’s done is done. I can’t change what happened but what I can change is your outlook.” She replied as she moved my hand off her shoulder and started walking down the sidewalk.

“I’m sorry? Am I missing something here? My outlook?”

“Jake you and I go way back and in all the years I’ve known you I haven’t seen you take the slightest bit of interest in a patient as you have in Ms. Swan. I’m worried about you Jake. I worry that you are dipping in things you have no business getting your hands into. Honestly, how much do you know about this girl? What makes her so special you are willing to risk your friendships, your job and most importantly your heart over?”

“Ohhh hold up. First of all I don’t know where you get your information from but I am in no way engaged or obsessed with Bella Swan. I was merely doing my due diligence with regard to my suicide patient. Is it wrong to worry about her care? Is it wrong to show a shred of compassion for a woman who is obviously scared of human contact?”

“Don’t get me wrong Jake. You above all know I empathize with her but what I’m trying to say is to just air on the side of caution here. If she contacts you, please do the right thing and bring her back to the hospital. She’s not well. You and I both know that. Here, read it for yourself.” She replied as she hands me a folder.

“I have to get to work, so maybe you and I can catch up later ok?” she replied as she turned to walk away.

“So if I’m such a good friend why is it that you won’t tell me what happened? Why did you cower away from me knowing I could help you?” I replied, my voice harsh and almost spiteful.

“Some things are just better left unsaid Jake. Just let it be. For once in your life just let it be.” She replied and then walked away.

I was tempted to continue this chat but I could see I wasn’t going to get anywhere. The folder in my hands was burning my skin, the itch to read its contents more troublesome than the words just exchanged between Maria and myself. Was I ready to see the truth? Did I want to?

My eagerness got the best of me, my fingers crawling over the surface and pulling at the edges. Before my eyes could focus I heard Embry coming up behind me so I quickly closed it, rolled it up and stuffed into my back pocket. The truth would have to wait, the question was how would I get through the night knowing that the truth was just within reach yet I lacked the ability to reach for it? Would knowing the truth help or hinder our journey? 

For the time being I had to wait but I knew this shift would be the longest one of my life. I could only hope that by the end, I would finally understand what it meant to be Bella Swan.


	10. Chapter 9

A/N – I’ve gotten several requests for Bella’s POV for this story so although most of the story is told in Jake’s POV, I decided to incorporate a bit of her in this one. Hope you enjoy it.

BPOV

As I watched Jake leave, I couldn’t help but feel like loneliness crept right by him as he shut the door. Loneliness had become my friend over the years but now, I no longer welcomed it. It made me feel empty, cold, broken and above all weak. 

However even though these feelings caused me to be somewhat numb to everything and everyone, it was the only comfort I sought and it was why I was convinced I was destined to be alone. This is not to say many hadn’t tried to provide comfort, offer help or find a reason to be around me, I just didn’t want it. I didn’t want someone telling me everything was going to be ok when it wasn’t. Nothing was ever the same after…the thought still debilitates me even to this day. I feared as I do now that I will never get over him, never know what it’s like to love, feel love, know love again. 

I wondered if he ever thought about his actions, if he ever took a moment to really think things through before deciding to place the steel to his temple. Did he ever think how it would affect me? How I would feel when he was gone? Maybe he had and didn’t care. Maybe I didn’t matter as much as I thought I had and maybe just maybe, that’s why I constantly feel like nothing matters anymore.

They say depression is a silent killer. They say that most people who suffer from it either fall victim to it or overcome. I choose neither. I was stuck in purgatory of the mind. I neither cared enough to dwell in it nor overcome it, I just was. My life had no real significance in the grand scheme of things. I had no one to love, no one who cared and no one who gave a shit whether I lived or died. I guess that’s why dying seemed like my only option, my only escape from everything wrong in my life.

I didn’t want help. I didn’t want a man on a white horse to come and take me away from my madness and not because I didn’t envy a life outside of myself but because I feared it. I had gotten so lost in my own sadness, guilt and loneliness that I didn’t know any other way to be. 

I didn’t attempt suicide for attention. I did it because I thought it would be the only way he and I could be reunited. I know on some level that it’s sadistic and extreme but to me, I couldn’t figure out any other way and I was too exhausted from trying.

In the worlds eye I was sick, mentally unstable, and unable to cope with the realities of my life and therefore I was deemed insane. Often times I was tempted to question those who felt educated or fit enough to judge me. It was like a priest telling a married couple about marriage. He wasn’t allowed to marry therefore how could he offer advice about something he had no knowledge about? This was how I felt when it came to utilizing the free counseling services offered to me by hospital and the department of social services. I knew what was wrong with me. I knew if I tried hard enough and faced my own anxieties and fears I would be able to lead a normal life but the question was did I want to? 

There were times over the last several months where I felt something other than pain, moments where I let people in and for a time it was nice. It was nice not to wake up and feel like the world was against you and all you wanted to do was hide under the covers and hope suffocation took you. However, as quickly as those moments came, they left just as quickly. The small circle of friends I had since childhood eventually got tired of my bleak look on life and my countless threats to end the sadness. They tried to help, offered to go with me, get me through this rough patch but just like everything else I just pushed them away and told them if they couldn’t handle my life choice they had to move on.

My mind has and continues to be stuck in an endless loop of unanswered question. Even now when I feel so safe do I question why he chose me? Why did he want to help me so badly? I had learned the hard way that people never do things just because. I learned that in life it was always give and take. Some people gave without regard while others took until there was no more left to take. I learned to never trust anyone, not even myself for fear there was some ulterior motive and I would end up back in that padded room. Yes I knew what it was like to be poked, prodded and even touched while bound to a metal table. 

Two years after his death I was deemed insane and committed for my inability to cope with the loss. I spent countless hours in group therapy, independent therapy and shock treatments. None of it helped of course and for the first year, I was deemed incapable of coexisting even with the legally insane. I admit at the time, I was childish and acted out the only way I knew how. I threw things, hit people, thrashed and carried on like a five year old in a tantrum. 

After countless sedation injections and endless hours locked away with my own thoughts, I slowly started to realize that you get more bees with honey than vinegar. I started to follow the rules, engage when asked and took my regimented medication when offered. 

After two years and being deemed a legal adult, I was released into the world seemingly normal but far from it. I can never say with certainty I will ever be “normal” but strangely now, being here, with him, I’m starting to feel like I want to try. 

I can’t deny he has a way about him that intrigues me and although the idea of ending my life is never far from my thoughts, he always finds a way to silence them even if only for a moment so I can get lost in his dreams of hope. I’ve found in the last two days I’ve smiled more than I have in five years. 

My eyes veered from the door and glanced around at all the countless boxes surrounding the living room and hall. I wondered how long the boxes had remained unopened and if there was a reason why he decided to keep his stuff in boxes. Had he just moved in and had no time? Was he hiding something? I couldn’t help but be curious and since it was going to be close to eight hours before he returned, it left me time to try and get to know who my new savior was. 

I moved up from the couch and walked towards the three most obvious boxes just off to the side of kitchen archway. When I pushed past the newspaper, I noticed the box contained various items for the kitchen. I decided to move that box to the side and continue on and just like the one before, the two remaining boxes contained the same. It was in that moment I decided that if I was going to continue to stay here while he “fixed me” or at least fought desperately to do so, maybe if I unpacked for him it would show him my appreciation for keeping me out of the hands of the law.

After unpacking close to fifteen boxes and receiving a little over ten box cuts, I decided to take a seat on the couch and just relax. From the looks of it this man didn’t require much to live since all the boxes I unpacked were common household items. I was a little disheartened I didn’t find not one photo album or picture frame that would give me a little insight into his life before being a paramedic. It was clear he took pride in his work since the only thing hanging on his wall was his completion certificate but I was beyond curious as to what his life was like outside his job. Was he in a relationship? What were his passions? For the first time in a long time I was thinking of someone other than myself and for the tenth time in two days, I could relax and smile.

I rested my head on the arm of the couch and within moments I could feel sleep taking her hold of me and beckoning me into my dreams. Sleep and I were constant enemies but this time without pills or tears I fell asleep willingly because I had a feeling when I woke up, the sun would once again return to my dark world.

XXXXXXX

JPOV

My head wasn’t in the game tonight at all. Every minute I was pondering what information was contained in her file. My skin was crawling with an urge to finish this night off and get back to the firehouse so I could satisfy this insatiable need to know more. 

It was hard covering up my loss of interest in the job I had lived and breathed for so long. I knew if anything I was going to hear it from Embry. He was constantly huffing and swinging his hand in front of my face telling me to take my head out of my ass and bring it back into the game. I didn’t think I was that distracted that I couldn’t function but when he asked me to get a band aid from the bus and I brought back a gauze he had had enough of my mental distraction.

I tried to shrug it off and apologize with my gestures but I could see he was brewing and I was going to be questioned up the ass about what had me so distracted. When we finished up with Mrs. Cooper and headed back to the bus, Embry was quick to slap me upside the head and exclaim “Man you are lucky I didn’t smack you earlier. What the fuck is brewing in that tiny brain of yours and don’t tell me nothing or so help me God…”

I had to think quickly. I couldn’t tell him the real reason for my present distraction but at the same time, I desperately needed some guidance. In the past when I had issues and couldn’t find my way around them I used metaphors to explain my troubles. I often thought Embry had a permanent residence in my head because he was always able to look past the metaphors and see the heart of the problem within minutes. A part of me was happy because I hated talking about myself so when he just sort of figured it out and helped, it gave me relief.

We both hopped into the bus and were on our way to grab a quick bite before the next run. I knew the silence was burning him. Embry had this sense of entitlement when it came to me. We’ve been working together for a while and on some level he was more like a brother to me than just a coworker. Some of the hardest decisions and moments of our lives were spent together so it was only natural he could sense I was off and wanted to help. This is not to say I didn’t offer the same in return however Embry’s problems generally revolved around which woman he was going to dip into for the evening or if Cosmo was right when they stated that woman preferred less hair on men than they’d like to admit. 

He was a welcoming distraction for sure but right now I didn’t want to be probed and yet I did. Fuck! I didn’t know what I wanted at this point. I was lost in a sea of uncertainty, unsure if I was making the right decision, if I could truly help Bella or not. I was so afraid of failing but yet I felt compelled to try even if it meant I couldn’t. This whole situation was baffling and the more I had time to ponder the various outcomes and possibilities, the more confused and conflicted I felt.

“Jake! Jake!” Embry screamed, his loud voice pulling me from my lost thoughts once again like a sharp abrupt pinch to my skin.

“WHAT!” I hollered back agitated by his interruption and also trying to seem like my old self.

“What? What you ask? How about why the fuck you hand me gauze when I say band aid or how about when I ask for a pulse and you tell me what time it is. Does any of that seem normal to you? I don’t know what the fuck crawled up your ass and died but shit Jake, get your head in the game man. We are talking about people’s lives here not some casual house call. Weren’t you the one who told me when we work, WE WORK and we are off that’s when the fun begins?”

I really hated when Embry used my own words to prove a point. He was right but then again, I had never been troubled by such things before. This woman’s life was hanging on my ability to do what I promised I could. He wouldn’t understand all the risks I was taking not only with my mental sanity, heart and home but with my career as well. He wouldn’t be able to wrap his mind around the fact that I needed her just as much as she needed me. 

I saw more than just a charity case, more than a person who I needed to fix in her. There was definitely something more there I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe this feeling, this uncertainty was what dad meant when he spoke about love. 

He always told me that when he met my mother it was love at first sight. He didn’t care that she had emotional baggage and a bad reputation because to him, she was the embodiment of perfection. I never could understand how he could hold a torch to a woman that shortly after the birth of her only son she ran. 

He wasn’t afraid to reprimand me or give me a swift kick in the ass when I spoke to that effect or said anything other than “ok dad”. I was always curious what that kind of love felt like, a love that withstood everything and continued to burn endlessly. I wasn’t sure if I could equate this emotion with what I felt for Bella but I was sure there was something there and that made me even more enticed to push and find out.

“Jake seriously… if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on I’m going to pull this bus over and kick your ass out. I don’t even care if the boss suspends me for it because you are really starting to piss me off. Now out with it!”

I tried to contain the laughter once I turned and saw Embry’s face. He looked constipated, like he was trying to force something out but just couldn’t. After several seconds of forcing the air through my tight lips I just let it go. I knew this would only make him madder but I didn’t care. Laughing always seemed to bring things back into perspective for the both of us and soon, he was laughing as well.

After a few minutes when I was able to catch my breath I said, “I’m sorry man. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I mean I nearly lost my job, my best friend and my sanity all in one night so I’m sorry if I’m a little off my game.”

“I told you Jake, I have a simple solution but you refuse to drown your sorrows in a woman. I tell you there is nothing like a stiff drink and a nice set of legs. You really are starting to make me worry with your obvious disinterest in woman. You’re not….” He says with his hands shifting behind his back as his ass lifts off the seat and he motions to an in and out gesture with his finger.

“Ohhh fuck man no. I’m not a bottie bandit. I love a nice soft pair of lips just like you, it’s just…well…I haven’t found the right set yet.”

“Oh is that what it is? Yeah ok man. Please bless my ears with the last time you got laid? And using Pamela doesn’t count either.”

“Listen I’m not keeping track. I’m not like you. When I meet a woman I like to get to know her and if eventually we end up having chemistry in the bedroom so be it. Your bang um and leave um mentality just isn’t my thing ok?”

Embry just swung his arms out and shook his head. I knew having a conversation about my relationship status would deter him from pressing me about what was really on my mind. I knew eventually I wouldn’t be able to hide what was really go on but I wasn’t sure where I stood with regard to Bella just yet and until I felt more secure, there was no need to add more drama.

We barely had a bite of our Philly Cheesesteak before the next call came in. The night seemed to fly by after that moment however, my thoughts of Bella and this thing that was forming between us wasn’t far from my thoughts the entire time.

As we pulled into the firehouse and the moment was slowly approaching where I would finally get a chance to read Bella’s file, a thought came to mind. I started to debate whether it was even worth it to read its contents. I had been around all types of doctors in the past and although some were genuinely good people who just wanted to make a difference, there were a few that had preconceived notions about patients before they even had a chance to get to know them. This fact was clearly shown the night Bella was admitted. 

Some might call me naïve but strangely I had this feeling that everything I needed to know about her had to come from her.

If real life experiences taught me anything it was that to watch something horrifying was painful but to endure it and actually feel the pain as if it were your own was something completely different. I knew it couldn’t hurt just to glance at it but I also knew the type of person I was. I wore my heart and my emotions on my sleeve. If I read her file and filled myself with all the legal terms for her previous and current conditions I would have hard time acting as if I hadn’t. The repercussions of her finding out I even had her file and not only that but actually entertained its contents could cause me to lose her trust and that wasn’t something I was ready to part. 

I stared at the folder that lied on its side in my locker debating on what I should do. I knew I only had a few minutes before Embry rejoined me and saw it so I had to decide quickly. I slammed the locker closed when I heard his loud voice coming down the hall. I decided in that moment I would wait. I would see how far I could get with her tonight and if I continued to hit a brick wall, then maybe then I would look at it. I wanted her to see my sincerity and give in to me freely. I wanted the glorified feeling of being the one to break down those walls and see the beautiful soul I knew she had within her.

I waved at Embry and told him I would call him later. He hollered in return “Drinks tonight man. The games on and no, you are not standing me up again. I don’t give a fuck if you have Jennifer Lopez in your bed inches away from your dick. You better show!”

I nodded and laughed under my breath as I made it down the stairs and back to my car. When I finally parked the car and made my way up to my apartment, I tried to calm my nerves as I entered and stood right outside my apartment door. 

Was I mentally prepared to have a heart to heart talk with Bella? Was I too desperate and eager to find out about her past or would her reveal make me care for her even more? I wasn’t going to allow fear to hold me back any longer. I was going to push and see just how far I could get because ultimately as much as I loved having her here with me, she did have a life and family that I was sure were going mad with worry. 

We had to build a firm foundation before I could in good conscious let her go home and face her demons. Today we would talk and today I would hear the truth from her lips. I was confident she would finally give me what I wanted and in turn I would show her what she needed, compassion.


	11. Chapter 10

I turned the key and pressed softly on the door making sure to make as little noise as possible just in case Bella was still sleeping. The soft snores that echoed through my ears as I cleared the door and closed it softly behind me confirmed she was still fast sleep on the couch.

When I turned to catch my morning view of her, I couldn’t help but notice something was different about my apartment. There appeared to be more empty space than there was yesterday but I wasn’t quite sure why. 

I walked slowly towards the kitchen to grab a quick drink of water before hopping into the shower. The minute I stepped into my kitchen I noticed it immediately. Through the decorative glass of my kitchen cabinets, I noticed each shelf was filled with dishes, cups, bowls and other various kitchen items I know I hadn’t yet unpacked since I moved in. 

I couldn’t help but smile when I realized why the apartment looked so empty. It was because Bella had taken upon herself to unpack the items I’d neglected in the few years I had been living here. There was a method to my madness and even though her prying into my things should have bothered me, it didn’t. It was a kind gesture on her part and I was grateful.

I poured a tall glass of water, rested my tired body on the love seat opposite her and just stared. She looked truly peaceful as she slept. You would never know upon first glance that this girl had any mental issues at all. As eager as I was to talk with her, I didn’t want to wake her for what seemed like the most peaceful sleep she had in years. 

The soft cushions of the chair became increasingly comfortable and before I knew it, I was out for the count. 

It would seem that in my restful state, my mind decided now was the time to bring back some fond memories of my past in an effort to calm the unsettling thoughts of my impending conversation with Bella.

When the mist cleared and my eyes could regain focus, I found myself amongst family and friends celebrating the joys of the summer around a bonfire at La Push beach. I had enjoyed many bonfires during my youth and always found such comfort in sharing in whatever joyous occasion brought my family and friends together. 

However, this wasn’t just any bonfire. My eyes recalled the familiar faces, the exact mannerisms that transpired before me and that’s when I knew where I was. I was at the one bonfire that snuffed the light from my world and ushered me into my new profession and my constant quest for forgiveness. 

My eyes feverishly scanned the crowds of people in search of my father. The scene as it played out was exactly how it had transpired the night my father choked and fell victim to not only suffocation but a damaged heart as well. 

I knew I was in a dream. I knew it couldn’t be possible that somehow through some divine intervention God allowed me to revisit my past and correct the one wrong that had ultimately shaped my future. It was true I’d never come to terms with his death and it was because of my inadequacies that I even endure the troubles Bella Swan has brought into my life, but a part of me always hoped that had I known then what I know now, things would have been different. 

I turned my back, my eyes clenching shut in an effort to wish myself to be in another place and time. I didn’t want to relive this memory, not now not ever. I tried to jog my thoughts and find a moment when I felt happy and where I experienced the small hint of pride I felt while under the demands of my profession. 

When my eyes finally crept open, I was relieved to find I was in fact in a better place, a place long before pain, hurt and the feel of complete loneliness. 

I watched as my father and I played ball outside our house. It was one of the few times I can remember where I felt so much pride being the son of the most respected man on the reservation. 

Tribes like ours were few and far between. There were so few of us native Americans who truly held our ancestry close and who honored a lot of the old ways and traditions. My father, although modern in his train of thought, was always called upon and respected for his vast knowledge and wisdom. There wasn’t a moment that went by where we weren’t either stopped in passing or caused to pause because someone sought out his guidance. 

As a child, I didn’t understand why my father was always bothered by such matters but now looking upon it with adult eyes; I could completely understand and admire it. 

We were playing ball that afternoon and my father was teaching me how to throw and hit. My father was many things but a good ball player, well let’s just say he could watch and judge but as for throw and hit, well that was a different story. Nevertheless, it wasn’t really the game he was teaching me but more of the morals behind it. It was here that I learned that it was ok not to be perfect in everything but to try my hardest in whatever I chose to do.

I looked up and revered my father for so much and yet when I said or did something that reminded him of her, it was there that I felt the guilt behind my birth and the anger that came trailing behind it. Looking upon this one seemingly insignificant moment with different eyes, I truly saw just how weak for her he truly was. 

He would tell me of how they went to ball games and it was there that she revealed her pregnancy. He told me he was never so happy in all his days until that moment and that he hoped with time, I would learn the joys of fatherhood. 

I watched his everlasting glow diminish a little each time he spoke of her and their adventures together and being naïve to it all back then, I watched as I yelled and screamed about how much I hated her and hated him for bringing it up. My once blissful memory only reminded me of the loss I felt for living without a mother and the hurt I bestowed upon my father when it wasn’t his fault to begin with. I watched as I threw the bat, not caring where it landed but ultimately saddened that in my heated fury, it hit him square in the shins causing him to fall to the floor in pain.

I received many a lashing that night but the lesson I learned that continues to keep me to this day is; do onto others as you wish to be done onto you. A part of me wanted to believe this was my subconscious telling me to continue on this path and not deter for fear of retribution. I wanted to believe that at the end of this fiasco both Bella and I would grow to love and respect one another in various ways.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t care for her in more than just a paramedic, patient way but before we could even pursue that direction, we had to be open and honest with one another. Honesty is the best policy my father said to me shortly after my tantrum and although I would receive just punishment for my actions, he respected the fact that I was open enough to express my discontentment with my mother’s actions. He would never punish me for how I felt, just how I chose to deal with my anger.

As the rain started to fall upon this moment in my past, the image began to blur and force me from my dream state and back to reality. My eyes slowly opened and when I noticed Bella was missing from the couch, I felt my heart skip and my pulse start to race.

I pushed up from the couch and tried to remain calm hoping maybe I was worrying for nothing and she was either in the bathroom or my bedroom. When I checked both and she wasn’t there, the panic kicked in and I wasn’t sure what to do. I ran my hands nervously through my hair wondering where she had gone and why after all this time did she decide to just disappear. I hadn’t done or said anything to scare her and when last we spoke, I thought we were truly making progress. 

I took several deep breaths trying to calm myself. After the third big inhale, a strong smell invaded my senses and caused my eyes to veer over towards the kitchen. The potent smell of red onions was strong and as I glanced over the counter, I noticed a stack of chopped red onions, tomatoes and lettuce. From the looks of it, I could only surmise that she was in the middle of making something and possibly realized she was missing several ingredients so she decided to head out to gather them quickly.

As I turned the corner and entered the kitchen trying to see if there were any more clues to her disappearance, I noticed a small piece of paper flapping up from the fridge. When I pulled it off and read it, I felt my heart slow its erratic rhythm and calmness settle over me.

I ran to the store across the street. Don’t worry should be back soon, Bella.

I wasn’t sure what time she left so I decided to take a quick shower while I waited for her to return. I couldn’t help but smile because to me, this was real progress. The woman seemed so fearful of people in general and for her to take the initiative to venture out without me meant she was starting to feel safe. 

I jumped into the shower and allotted myself longer than usual because my muscles and joints ached from the grueling night shift and my awkward placement on the love seat. After my muscle relaxed and I felt completely at ease, I exited the shower, toweled off, threw on my jogging shorts and a tee-shirt and headed back into the living room.

As I turned the corner and noticed Bella still hadn’t returned, I got nervous. I took a quick note at the time and realized it was close to seven pm and even at best and with the worst crowds in the store, the trip shouldn’t have been more than an hour tops. I decided not to sit and wait because patience was never my strong point. I grabbed my keys and ventured across the street to see if she was in fact ok.

As I ventured down the main aisle of the supermarket, peering down each aisle as I crossed it, I couldn’t help but panic when after the fifth one she was still nowhere in sight. As I breezed by the final aisle and saw a huddle of people towards the middle, I couldn’t fight my curiosity to see what everyone was gawking at. 

As I got closer, my heart leapt into my throat as my eyes sifted through the masses and saw Bella crying and rocking violently in place. Her hands were filled with what looked like blood as she mumbled repeatedly under her breath. I pushed through the crowd hollering “Give the girl some room” as I made my way down to her.

“Why daddy? Why did you do this? Don’t you love me?” she whispered as her fists clenched the torn tray of steak she held firmly within her hand.

I reached out to her but she was quick to flinch back. It was as if she didn’t know me, like she was too lost in whatever it was she was reliving to see I was only here to help her.

“Bella, it’s me. It’s Jake. Let me help you” I pleaded as I reached out for her again and this time her eyes veered up to mine and with such sadness and regret she replied “Jake, Oh God. What happened? Why am I…?”

She looked down upon the blood soaked shirt she borrowed from my closet and then back up at me. She was so lost. I could see the emptiness within her eyes and her soul silently pleading for me to once again come to her aid. 

I tucked her under my arms, her hands clinging to my shirt while her head hid within my chest as I carried her out. “Just put it on my tab” I hollered to Sam as I exited the store and walked back to the apartment.

I was grateful that Sam and I were acquaintances. There were times early in my career where I found it hard to make ends meet. Sam knew bits and pieces of my past and had mercy on me in my time of need. I always repaid the favor offering to repair things and run errands whenever the need arose so it was a good deal. 

Who would have guessed that one day the debt would be forever paid when I saved his wife Emily from choking on her half chewed steak one night in a restaurant? Sam never asked for a thing after that moment and although I would never take advantage of his kindness, he was forever grateful to me for saving the love of his life in her time of need.

I pushed open the building door with my back and when I arrived at my apartment door, I softly asked Bella if she could stand for a moment while I grabbed my keys and opened the door. She nodded and even as she fell to her feet, her hands remained tightly clenched to my shirt and her head still hidden within my chest.

When the door opened, I wrapped my arm around her and guided her inside. Her body began to tremble as tears flooded her eyes and countless apologizes spilled from her lips. I wasn’t sure if she was apologizing for zoning out, leaving or making a scene. 

I sat her to the couch told her I’d be back in a sec as I ran to the bedroom to get her a fresh t-shirt and pants. I never thought my cloths would ever look good on a woman and even though they were oversized and hanging off her tiny body, she still looked cute wearing them.

Like the gentlemen I was, I turned around while she changed, her sobs still pinching at my heart while I waited for her to redress.

“Ok you can turn around now” she whispered and with great haste I did just that.

I gently placed my hand in hers hoping just my presence would calm her enough to speak. I had to know what freaked her out, why did she still feel lost when she had all the comforts she needed with me. I know my mere presence wasn’t enough to silence all her demons but it seemed we were truly getting somewhere and she was making progress. Why the sudden regression?

In the calmest and most sincere tone I pleaded for her to let me in “Bella, what happened at the supermarket? Why did you go without me?”

Her eyes veered off to the side of the couch as she replied “I wanted to surprise you with dinner before you went to work. I feel like such a free loader and burden to you Jake. I mean, you don’t even know me and I cling to you like you’re my saving grace. I’m so messed up and I fear I will never be able to move past this.”

I brought my hand up to her chin and moved her face back towards me. I wanted her to see that I wasn’t judging her or asking anything other than her openness and honesty. I really wanted to help her and I needed her to believe that no matter what has or will happen; I would be there to help in any way that I can.

“Bella I’m not the type of man that just picks up stragglers or crazy people off the street and helps them achieve a better life. I won’t lie and say that some of your actions do scare me but I think everyone deserves a chance and I can see that life hasn’t given you a fair chance to live. You’ve experienced something so horrible that you find more comfort in pain than joy. I want to help you move past that. I want you to see that there is more to life than broken dreams and past sorrows. Let me help you help yourself.”

Her eyes shifted back and forth as if she was looking right into my soul to see if my pleas were genuine. If there was one thing I was grateful for, it was that I always wore my heart on my sleeve. You could read my life’s story if you just looked hard enough. I tried never to lie unless the need was dire and I vowed to be honest and truthful as long as the truth didn’t cause more pain than good.

“Jake I know you’re really trying to help me and I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I’m not sure you understand the gravity of what you ask. My mind is sick, my body is weak and my soul is lost to the burdens of my past. I want to be better. I want to be happy but it seems even when I find happiness, this demon, this guilt is just so strong it overpowers me. I find it hard to cope with even the day to day things because so many routine tasks remind me of him.” Her voice trailing as the word him rolled from her lips.

“Charlie?” I inquired

She nodded as the tears began to fall like an endless waterfall down her face and onto our joined hands. I felt her body tremble in pain as his name seemed to bring about such sorrow it was hard not to tremble alongside her.

“Did he….” my voice trailing off because I wasn’t sure if we should even go this far. I knew she was in a fragile state and although I was beyond curious about Charlie, I didn’t want to push to her too far too fast. 

“Hurt me? Not in the way you might think. There are a lot of things about me Jake that might be hard to swallow and right now, my fear is that in knowing who I truly am, you might not want to help me and as bad it sounds, I need you too much to scare you away.”

It was clear to me in that moment that it wasn’t only her past she feared but the loss of the only person who seemed to give a damn about her would walk out of her life as well. I knew she was grateful for my hospitality. I knew on some level she saw compassion in me that she couldn’t find anywhere else but what I was curious about was why was I the only one who did care? Where was her family? Why weren’t they here to help?

“You could never scare me away Bella. I’ve seen things that would make grown men shiver in their boots and still I remain strong because that is a part of my job. I do what most people in their right mind could never dream of doing but in order for me to understand and help, I need to know more. I need full disclosure from you. Maybe not right now but eventually, if you want to get better we need to talk.”

A deep sigh exited her lips and I could see that my words were not only comforting but burdensome all the same. I could see that although she trusted me, she was still doubtful of my ability to withstand all the demons of her past.

I squeezed her hand in mine as I replied “You have to trust me Bella. If I didn’t want what was best for you, if I didn’t want to help you, I would have called the police by now. I want to help you reclaim your life but you have to let me in.”

After a few minutes of silence where all the unspoken words were given between glances, her lips parted as if she was ready to finally open up and lay it on me. My body rested heavily in the seat in preparation for the shit storm I was sure to catch once she started.

“We’ll I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning. I was born in Forks, Washington. My mother Renee was a writer and my father Charlie was the chief of police. Life was great when I was a kid. Everything we did was as a family. I couldn’t have asked for a better life than the one I had, well that was until…”

The thumping on the door caused her to pause and grip my hand so hard I thought it might lose circulation. I pressed my finger to my lips instructing her to be silent while I stood up and made it to the door.

“Jake! Jake! I know you are hiding in there. Open up man!” Embry hollered as he continuously slammed on the door.

I turned to Bella and motioned for her to move into the bedroom until I could chase Embry away. The girl looked completely petrified and remained unresponsive to my requests. I was tempted to move her myself but then I remembered I told Embry where I kept the spare key and if I didn’t make it to the door soon, he would come in on his own.

I was quick to unlatch the lock and open the door just enough for my head to peak out.

“What’s up?” I replied trying to remain as calm as I could.

“What’s up? What’s up? Dude, you were supposed to meet me at the bar over an hour ago and because of you, nothing of mine will be getting up anytime soon. I told Katie to bring a friend because MY BOYYY was in need of some TLC. Then you go and do it again. You diss me. I’ve had enough of this shit Jake. You and I are going to sit down and you are going to tell me what the fuck is going on.”

“Listen, now isn’t the best time. Give me like an hour ok and I will meet you at the bar. I promise” I replied hoping he would just ease off a bit, just until I could get a handle on things.

“Nope, not this time Jake. I’ve waited long enough.” He replied as he pressed against the door and when it didn’t budge, he gave me that what the fuck? look.

“I told you it wasn’t a good time man. Just give me an hour. Is that too much to ask?” I replied firmly hoping he would see I wasn’t trying to brush him off but that I had my own thing going on and he just had to be patient.

“Whatever man.” he replied as he swung his hand out and turned to leave.

I sighed in relief as I attempted to close the door. Just as it was about to close, Embry’s foot came between the door and the frame. He put his entire body against the door forcing me to stumble back and the door to swing wide open.

When I managed to regain my footing, I turned and saw Bella shaking and Embry with his mouth hung open like he just saw Carmen Electra naked in my living room. I stood there at a loss for words and all I could think to myself was I was so fucked.


	12. Chapter 11

The silence was deafening. Embry and Bella both looked at me like they had seen a ghost, neither one sure what to do or say and me caught in the middle of trying to explain to Bella why Embry was there and vice versa. Honestly, I didn’t owe either an explanation but I knew tonight I wouldn’t get away with at least explaining the situation to Embry.

I pressed my hand against Embry’s chest and whispered “I can explain but please…outside now”. My tone was firm yet apologetic and although Embry gave me that look that said hell no I’m not leaving, he could also see the sincerity and concern in my eyes enough to know I wasn’t messing around.

With little force, Embry turned and walked out into the hallway. I knew I couldn’t explain or at least try to explain what and why Bella was in my apartment in front of her. I knew the power of words. I knew how things said one way can come across the complete opposite and after all the effort I put into gaining her trust, I didn’t want one sentence to diminish what I worked so hard to achieve.

Once we both made it outside the apartment and I closed the door softly behind me, Embry was first to begin his tirade, the hurt and disgust evident in the way his voice pitched between firm and upset tones.

“What the fuck Jake? Have you gone and lost your mind? You are harboring a criminal and not just any criminal, a woman who is a complete and utter psycho!”

I tried to contain the anger that brewed within me. Embry and I had been friends for a long time and I knew his malicious words came out of anger and hurt by my obvious disregard of our friendship but a little discretion went a long way. I didn’t want my neighbors to know my business and I certainly didn’t need to fuel Bella’s discomfort either. The walls were paper thin in this building and not only did I fear that his words would hurt her, I feared she would hurt herself because of them.

“Em you need to calm down. I know you’re pissed at me and I appreciate that you are looking out for me but you don’t know this girl. I know it looks bad that I took in a seemingly distraught woman but you have to trust me, things aren’t always what they seem”

I tried to convey sincerity while harboring my contempt for Embry’s outburst. I knew it hurt him to know I was keeping such a big secret and I knew on some level he worries about my safety especially since that incident two years ago but he had to let me off this seemingly parental leash so I could live my life how I chose to live it not how he thought I should. 

“Em listen to me….I’m a big boy and I know things seem sketchy right now but I’m asking, no begging you to just let me do this. I need to do this.”

The look of discontent was still clearly evident in his stare. I could see the inner conflict brewing, the constant angel and devil battle we all endured within our lifetime. Embry might be a womanizer and a male whore but he had always and continued to be a good friend. I valued his insight but at the same time, I needed him to let me do this, alone.

His head shook back and forth while his eyes turned to the ground as he responded “I don’t like this Jake…not one bit. You don’t know anything about this woman. She could be just like Kelly. You remember Kelly right? The girl who nearly gutted you like a fish for turning her down after you saved her from that car wreck? How quickly we forget…”

The sound of her name made my skin crawl. It took me a good year to get over that whole ordeal and even now, whenever I hear a girl’s name that even starts with a K it gives me chills. 

Kelly was a part of my growing pains and I’d like to think I’d learned a lot since her and that my judge of character wasn’t as off as it was back in my younger trainee years. 

“I haven’t forgotten about K-e-….” I couldn’t even bring myself to fully pronounce her name, the easiest of letters to pronounce getting choked up in my throat even when I tried to force them out.

“This…” Embry says pointing to my vocal inabilities as he continues “this is what I mean. You can’t even say her name. How do you really know Bella is any different? I mean Kelly did the whole…the world hates me routine and I can’t breathe without you bullshit and you didn’t see past that so how do you know Bella isn’t playing on your kindness huh? How do you know this isn’t just a ploy to get away from an abusive boyfriend or back owed rental payments? What makes you so sure?” 

On some level Embry was right. I had no assurances Bella was different but there was just something about her that told me she was. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it and maybe it was my heart speaking over my good judgment but I had to go with my gut and my gut said to see this thing through. I knew Embry wouldn’t accept any answer I would give because he saw the relationship, if that’s what is was, from the outside in and from that view she did seem a little “out there” for even me to consider helping.

I reached over, braced Embry’s shoulders with my hands and replied “I need you to trust me Em. I know you are just looking out for me and I know you think I’m in over my head and maybe I am, but I have to see this thing through. I promised her I would and you know I never promise anything I’m not willing to see through. Please just let me handle this ok?”

That strange silence filled the air between us once again and before I could try to offer one last plea, I felt the heat of my apartment hit my back and I knew Bella had opened the door. My head turned abruptly and before I could even react to her surprise emergence she whispered “Jake…I think I need to go home. I’ve overstayed my welcome and Embry is right, I’m too much for even you to handle.”

Both Embry and I stood there dumfounded for different reasons but still shocked nonetheless. I didn’t want her to go and I certainly didn’t want her to feel like she had been or was a burden to me. If anything, she challenged me in so many ways and I didn’t want our relationship to end like this. 

“Bella wait. I think you misunderstood. Embry and I were just….”

Bella was quick to place her finger on my lips silencing my poor explanation for Embry’s outburst and replied “I know Embry is just being a good friend and I know you mean well Jake but I have overstayed my welcome and should face the consequences of my actions. I didn’t do anything wrong so no harm no foul right?” the end of her sentence was followed by the cutest of grins almost like a child who got their hand caught in the cookie jar but since they didn’t take the cookie they appeared innocent.

My heart began to race while my mind got lost in the beauty of her naïve thought and innocence. When she arrived on my door step over a week ago, I knew she wasn’t running from the police. I knew there was something more than both she and Maria were leading me to believe but up until this point I was too scared to even approach the issue. She was so fragile, so afraid of everything and everyone that all I wanted was to gain her trust and then try to pull the layers of her harden shell apart piece by piece.

As luck would have it, if I was going to take advantage of the situation I would do it now but Embry being the man that had no vocal filter blurted out “I think turning yourself in is your best bet. They are much nicer to woman anyway so the most you might get is a slap on the wrist. No one needs to know where you were or who you were with, just that you are admitting to the guilt.”

Under normal circumstances I would have slapped Embry clear across the back of the head for such an arrogant, nasty and uncompassionate response but it would seem that I wouldn’t have to. As I turned my nasty glance from Embry to Bella, I was further stupefied by the fact that his rude comment didn’t phase Bella in the least. 

She merely kept her stance and replied “An omission of guilt would mean I was in fact guilty and I’m not. I didn’t run to Jake as a means of escape. I came to him because he was the only one out of YOU lot that was remotely sincere when it came to my well being. I don’t know you from Adam and although I don’t have to explain myself to you or anyone I will because maybe then you will see I’m not the psycho you make me out to be.”

You have to understand, up until this point Bella had been acting like a hermit, a person so lost in her own delusional existence that anything outside the realm of compassion was seen as a direct assault. This Bella, the one standing here so strong and without fear was nothing I had expected but strangely found overly attractive.

Without delay she turned and moved back into the apartment with Embry and I on her heels. Embry and I hogged up the love seat while Bella just stood with her arms wrapped around her stomach. I could see even though she put up a great front, the truth was more overwhelming than anything else. I almost felt guilty for being so eager to hear the truth that not even my closest and dear friend was willing to divulge. 

“Before I begin, what I’m about to tell you goes no further than this room, understood?”

Embry and I both nodded quickly with our mouths slightly open like two dogs awaiting a king size rawhide. It was pretty pathetic I admit but aside from the true source of her pain being divulged, my curiosity about what happened in the hospital was the next best thing. 

“Now you both have to promise me something. You have to promise me that no matter what I’m about to tell you that not only will you not tell anyone but you won’t try to take the matter into your own hands otherwise my lips are sealed. Do we have an agreement?”

For a moment I felt like I was on the game show “deal or no deal”. The more ultimatums she laid on us, the more curious I became. However, aside from extreme curiousness a part of me was scared. Why did she feel the need to issue demands such as these? Why the secrecy?

“I need your promise Jake.” She replied as she turned her back to us and made her way over to the living room window.

“I promise” I reply thinking little about the consequences of such a promise but put my full trust in her as she had done me up until this point.

Her face remained forward, her hand reaching up and pressing on the chilled glass as she spoke, her words soft and almost emotionless as they spilled from her lips. “When I woke up in recovery, after that jerk of a doctor and nurse left me, I was scared. I’ve been in and out of hospitals, rehabs and foster homes for most of my life. I don’t regret the experiences I’ve lived through because I think all and all they’ve made me a stronger person if that is even possible. I’ve learned to deal with the cruel and unusual punishment bestowed upon what the medical field causally call “insanity”. You see…they think because our mind is full of irrational thoughts that we somehow can’t tell the difference between what is just and unjust but for the most part we can. I’m not trying to speak for the whole mentally ill community but most of us that reside in these places aren’t ill were just…conflicted.”

“Oh so giving a nurse who is trying to help you a bum lip and black eye is not out of the realm of normal at all? Is that what you’re saying” Embry sarcastically interjects not allowing the woman to even get to the heart of the matter before jumping down her throat.

I turn to Embry, my eyes speaking volumes to the anger that simmered in my heart and mind at his continued aggressiveness. “Let her finish” I hiss through my teeth hoping he will get the point and realize his constant attracts wouldn’t help but rather deter her from continuing on this much needed discussion.

“No the injuries Maria received weren’t…done by me. If you would just have some patience, I will explain. Anyway, when Jack and Meoff left my room and you and I…” her hand motioning to me as she spoke, “had our little chat, I fell back asleep. I think they used triple the sedative on me this go around and when I woke up from the second nap, I will still a little dazed and my mouth was as dry as the desert. The meds really do leave you with cotton mouth and seeing as I was strapped down to the bed and couldn’t reach for the water container, I buzzed for the nurse. Well after five minutes and no nurse, I hollered hoping to catch one who might be passing by the room. Little did I know the nurse who would answer would not be one willing to help but more willing to help himself to a poor half sedated patient. If you could just see the look in his eyes Jake….” her eyes venturing off the window and onto mine as the pain of her reveal started to show through, her eyes wincing and her lids filled to the brim with tears. 

I rose from the couch and extended my hand out to her. I could see the event was more painful than she anticipated and each moment she relived it, the more her strong resolve weakened and brought back the Bella I knew just minutes earlier.

She shook her head denying my hand as if she was trying to find the strength within to continue on. Her rejection wasn’t surprising since human contact was a big no for her except when it came to me. With me, she always let me in and now it just seemed like she was trying to test herself, see if she could live up to her word and go a day without me. We had become her test and safety net all in one.

“I won’t go into the details because just thinking about them makes my skin crawl and my body ache for an extremely hot shower. That pervert not only touched me but then he almost tried to….” The words caught in her throat as the tears spilled from her eyes like an endless river. 

This time I reached for her and didn’t take no for an answer. I knew she was innocent and felt almost guilty for pushing her like I had to speak. I knew it was part pressure from Embry but I could have stopped her at any time knowing how fragile she was and I didn’t. I failed in my one quest which was to make her feel safe and unpressured to explain until she was ready to. 

She shook in my arms, the cries hidden deep within as the heat of her tears drenched my shirt. I felt her mouth open and the hot air of what would be a vocal cry forced itself onto my chest and made my heart nearly shatter with its intensity. I had known pain on so many levels but this, this was pure anguish. 

My eyes turned to Embry and even he felt like a dick as he mouthed “I’m sorry” back towards me.   
“I’m sorry Bella, I’m sorry we made you relive…” 

My whispered apology was cut off when I heard her reply through hasten breath “Maria tried to help me. She tried to pull him off and he hit her. He threatened her Jake. I think that’s why she blamed me. It was easier to blame the insane with such an irrational act.”

I could feel the anger festering within my chest as I squeezed Bella tightly trying to reassure her that she remained safe. There was nothing more I wanted to do than bash that jerk Frank’s head in for not only assaulting or attempting to assault Bella but for what he did to Maria. 

I was hurt when Maria decided to go all non disclosure on me but now I see why. She was trying to protect herself, job and family and I couldn’t blame her for that however, something had to be done about Frank, the question was what?

I couldn’t dwell on my anger and thoughts of revenge right now. It was apparent Bella needed me more at the moment and she was always my first priority. I pulled her alongside me into the bedroom and told her to rest for a bit while I spoke with Embry. I could see although she still remained strong in my eyes for not only disclosing this information to me but Embry as well that the weight of it had taken a toll on her.

She reluctantly pulled away and sat down on the bed. She never looked up at me and I could sense she felt guilty for not only waiting so long to tell me but also seemingly regretful she had. 

I knelt down so my eyes could meet hers, took her cupped hands into my own and whispered “I’m glad you found the strength to tell me the story Bella. I know the situation wasn’t ideal and I know it was hard but I’m grateful you did. This deed will not go unpunished but I made you a promise and I intend on keeping it, at least for now. Why don’t you lie down and let me deal with Embry alright? Rest now.”

The weight of her reveal displayed within her expression, a sense of relief and grief still remained but I could see she was physically drained nonetheless. She nodded and leaned onto her side, my hands still laced within hers. “I’m sorry Jake, for everything.” She whispered squeezing my hand in her own before allowing me to pull it back.

“Rest now” I replied back while leaning down and pressing my lips to her forehead. 

My kind gesture seemed enough to simmer her as her hand allowed mine its release. I stood there for a moment just gazing upon a woman seemingly so fragile and yet deep within she held more courage than I ever thought possible. I both pitied and envied her and I was sure that after tonight, the truth would flow more easily for her. I could only hope that the flood gates remained opened long enough for me to help her, help her see her way out of the abyss known as her past and usher her into a new life, a life full of promise and a better tomorrow. I closed my eyes and silently bestowed the promise I had once given to a child who had touched my heart like no other. No harm will ever befall you ever again Bella, Cross my Heart.


	13. Chapter 12

BPOV

The comfort and sense of safety I felt while in his presence was like nothing I had ever felt before. Even after a partial reveal of the evils that still reside in that so called hospital, it felt like some of the burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could only hope it didn’t find its place on Jake’s. 

I heard him whisper Cross My Heart and it was as if his words were a warm blanket shadowing over me and comforting me enough to relax and fall deep asleep. I was never one to sleep and even when I forced it with prescription medication; it never quite took me as it had when I was with Jake. Was it possible that he could deliver on his promise and open my depression filled eyes to a world outside my misery?

The questions paraded my mind and filled my dreams with many long awaited hopeful sights of the future. I watched in awe, a vision of me full of life, enjoying a playful time with a man and a young child in a large open field. The place seemed vaguely familiar and yet I couldn’t quite recall where I had seen it before. Nevertheless it didn’t matter, I seemed happy and it was something I never thought possible until I saw this futuristic me in such a blissful state.

I lurked beneath the tall grass, shielding my identity from this joyous scene as I moved in closer. The man’s physique and features mirrored that of the boy who giggled and ran around in circles. I could only conclude that this man who now had me wrapped in his arms along with the boy was Jake. Every gesture, movement and bout of laughter that came from him mirrored the man I had come to know as my protector. He was definitely a man I saw in my future, maybe not in this context right now but certainly in years to come.

As if my mind saw fit to disrupt my momentary brush with happiness, the scene before me faded and as always, the ghastly scene of my tragic life fell before my eyes. I found myself in my room, the painted mural my mother made for me when I was still in the womb surrounding my view and with it the chills filled every part of my body. I knew this scene, the one event in my life that brought about the pain of my existence and no matter how much I willed myself to wake up, I never could. It felt almost like God had some evil plot against me, like he found humor in bringing me pain in reliving this event over and over again.

I curled into a ball on my bed, rocking in the fetal position with my hands over my ears silently praying I would wake up. The creaking of the stairs broke through my muffled ears and caused the anxiety to fill my stomach, the acid building so quickly that it rose within my throat and almost blocked my ability to breathe.

I hated feeling this way, a victim of my own bad past and hopeless to stop the endless loop of guilt and depression that shadowed over me after the event played itself out. This was no way to live. This was why I sought the relief of the blade, not because I wished for death but because I envied it. I envied a life without pain, anguish and guilt; a life predicated on happiness and the thrill of offering love and receiving it just the same.

You would think reliving this moment, the day I lost my life, father and all that encompassed a seemingly normal existence would have little to no effect on me and yet here I lay, in the same position, fearful of what I know is to come next. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome and yet I feel compelled to follow in the same footsteps I had when I was a teen in the hopes that things will change.

My body slides from the bed on its own accord, fear and uncertainty running ramped and causing me to shake uncontrollably as I hear the bathroom door shut just down the hall. Unsteady as my stride is, I manage to get to the door, my hand trembling uncontrollably as if I was having a seizure but not bad enough that I can’t grab hold of the handle and pry my bedroom door open. 

I stare down the hall, the bathroom door in clear view amongst the darkness that encompasses my house. My eyes veer down, the dim light of the bathroom shining through the bottom crack of the door and causing me to fill with fear as it did that very night. I walk timidly towards this tiny light, hopeless and powerless to stop what I know is to follow but going through the motions nevertheless. This is my burden to bear, my cross to carry and even though I do so unwillingly, it would seem it was something programmed in me to do each and every night for the rest of my existence on this earth.

As I close the distance between myself and the torment behind the door, a strange scent invades my senses and causes me to stop mid-stride. The distinguishing cologne of the man who should be behind the door and this scent are distinctly different and for a moment I’m hopeful that this isn’t a memory but something completely different. I linger in place for a moment debating on if I should follow suit and open the door or wait and see what happens. I know that if it were my dream, the whisper of his name from behind the door would trigger the true life events but what if it doesn’t? Uncertainty mixed with fear fills me as my hands cradle around my waist and I become skeptical of my own dream. 

Before I can allow my doubt and fear to consume me, the familiar click of the metal that would seal my fate permeates the silent area around me. This familiar and consternate sound only reminds me of the truth and disproves my hopeful notion that this was anything other than what it is. I pool my strength and arrive at the door. Before I can press my clammy hands against the wood and usher the words that would consummate my fate, the loud release stuns me in place as despair and guilt wash over me. 

Although this rendition of the event was slightly different since my eyes never befell the selfish act and I still remained hidden behind the door, it didn’t make it less painful however even in my pain I remained curious.

The loud thud from behind the door forces me from my quandary and with cat-like reflexes I pull the handle of the door and push forward. Having experienced this earth shattering event countless times before it should have belittled the effects of pain and guilt I often felt after each remembrance but strangely this rendition was different. 

The dissimilarity of the situation became clear to me once I focused my attention on the body that lies directly in front of me as I entered the room. The distinguishing shape, tone and even position of the body was different and as my eyes moved up from his feet and honed in on his facial attributes it was at that moment that I realized the atrocity that befell my eyes.

Without hesitation, I hurried to his side and pulled his dead weight upon my lap. The tears fell heavily upon my cheek as I cradled his damaged head within my hands, the words I often spoke to the man who should be on my lap falling from my lips to the one man I never wanted to be, “Please Jake don’t leave me. Why? Why did you do this? Don’t leave me all alone, not like this, not like he did.”

I stared at his eyes, the blank look of death peering back at me as the pool of blood spilled from the exit wound behind his head and surrounded us both. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. It wasn’t Jake that died it was… and in that split second between despair and utter mental breakdown it became clear to me what this all meant. Within this horrific event was the key, the answer, a way this horrid, bad dream would never come to fruition. It became crystal clear that although I couldn’t change my past, I could change my future. This was my subconscious telling me what I already knew to be true but chose to disregard as mere paranoia. 

I leaned down and rested my head against his cold skin while I whispered, “I will save you from this. Cross my Heart”

Before I could say any more, a slight tapping, almost like a wood pecker’s beak hitting a hard piece of wood echoes within my ears and causes me to look up. As I try to find the source of the noise, a cold chill fills my body and the room begins to blur. I pull my hands from around Jake’s chilled body and rub my eyes frantically trying to regain my focus. When my eyes finally appease me, I find myself back in reality and although this seemingly peaceful existence is better than the horrific dream I just experienced, it is also a reminder of what I must do. 

That persistent chill is still present and with it comes a splash of wetness. I turn to my right and notice the window was left open and another wonderful snow storm was upon us. I hated the cold even more than the snow and in such bad weather it was going to be a real pain taking the long walk back to my apartment.

I slid from the bed; the apartment still very quiet and dark which only eludes to the fact that it was much earlier than I thought. I tip toe to Jake’s closet, pull a pair of sweat pants and sweatshirt and put them on. The soft fleece liner of the outfit warms me and brings with it some comfort that at the very least; I have a part of him with me even if it isn’t physically. I take a moment to soak in everything, my experiences, his wonderful hospitality and outpouring of kindness and the sadness that comes with this decision I’ve had to make. 

Taking a deep breath I move out of the room and am somewhat thankful Jake is still fast asleep on the couch. I find it hard to focus on anything other than him, his peaceful appearance is something I long for and envy so much and although it kills me to leave like this, I know with my departure at least he will have somewhat of a life that isn’t filled with chaos and sadness.

I find comfort in my decision and before I leave, I pull a piece of paper from a notepad on the fridge and write him a quick note. There is so much I want to say but I refrain and keep it simple. I don’t want to hurt him but at the same time, I hope he can see this is for the best.

I leave the note taped to the door and softly whisper goodbye. As the door closes softly behind me, I feel a sense of relief and heartache. I hate that my actions will cause him pain but I can only hope that without me he can find happiness.

XXXXX

JPOV

The sound of fire engines broke me from the most peaceful sleep I had in months. It took nearly an hour to convenience Embry I would be fine and that he had to trust me enough to make the right decisions for myself. I knew he was just being a good friend but a part of me hated the fact that he made me feel like I wasn’t capable of rational thought, that my feelings and determination when it came to Bella were nothing more than an infatuation or in some way a make up for the loss of my father.

After nearly throwing him out of the apartment kicking and screaming, he finally conceded to the fact that this was my life and I had to live with the consequences of my own actions. I reminded him I was grateful for his support and although he didn’t agree with my choices, they were in fact my choices. In normal Embry fashion he left mumbling under his breathe and waving his hands in the air. I knew no matter what the outcome or what decisions I made when it came to Bella, he would be there, he always was.

I pulled my tired body from the couch and went to check up on Bella. When my eyes finally focused and I noticed the bed was empty, I panicked. I called out for her as I searched every part of the apartment. When nothing replied but the echo of my own voice, worry took over all rational thought. I ran back into my bedroom, grabbed a jogging suit from the closet and through it on. I made a mad dash for the door and before I could open it, I noticed a note taped to the peephole.

Jake,

By the time you read this note I’ll be long gone. I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me and I want you to know that it is because of you, I’ve managed to muster enough strength to go this on my own. Your life will be better off without me. You deserve happiness and I know, in time, you will forgive me and see that this was best for the both of us. Thank you for everything.

Bella

I didn’t know what to make of the note. Deep down I knew she wasn’t better off without me. It was with my help that she managed to gather the strength to open up and be more than a shell of a woman. Distance wasn’t going to solve her heartache. She needed human interaction, a place where she felt safe and above all, she needed me. A part of me felt selfish for even thinking I was the cure for what ales her but I could see with my help, my eagerness to bring her back from the depression and into the light of something good, she was making progress. No! I wasn’t going to let her just walk away. I don’t care if the devil himself was out for my soul for helping her. I was going to help Bella achieve a better life. I vowed this, made a promise not once but twice and until that promise is satisfied I can’t be.

I shoved the note into my pocket and headed towards the station. As much as I didn’t want to read Bella’s file, I was desperate. I knew she would be returning home and since we never spoke about it and I couldn’t quite recall her address from when we first met, I knew at least there I could attain what I needed.

The weather was relentless in its pursuit to hinder my journey, the snow coming down in droves which made it nearly impossible to see and even when I could, the roads were extremely treacherous. Thankfully with my experience driving the bus, I had more control than most when it came to skidding so although it was unnerving to feel your car slide, my mind remained focus on just getting there no matter what.

After close to an hour, I finally arrived at the fire station. It would seem luck was on my side this horrible morning as the fire house seemed almost vacant which made my strange appearance less noticeable. I ran up the stairs and into the locker room undetected and once the folder was in my hand I could feel relief wash over me. I stuffed the folder into my back pocket and stealth fully made my way back out to the car. 

I was two feet from the car when my attention was called behind me by someone clearing their throat. When I turned to look over my shoulder, I wasn’t the least bit surprised to find Embry standing there with a big grin on his face. I was tempted to ignore him but I knew ignoring Embry was like trying to ignore a baby when they cried for their bottle. 

“You’re going to look for her aren’t you? You just can’t let it go can you? I told you she would leave, those flighty ones always do. She did the right thing by you Jake. Just let it be.”

I had kept my anger at bay long enough. I was tired of dancing around this issue with him and as much as I thought of him as a brother, he was really starting to piss me off.

“I can’t just let it be. She needs me. She isn’t in her right mind. She needs help so lay off Em and just let me wear the big boy pants for once.”

“Are you sure she needs you and it isn’t the other way around? All I’m saying is, maybe you are reading a little too much into this. Give it some time. Think it through.”

“I’m not having this conversation again Embry. I told you once and I will say it for the last time. Butt out!”

I didn’t allot him time to rebut. I pulled my car door open and slammed it shut within seconds. I was tired of convincing him that my choice to help her was right. If he couldn’t stand by my decision then that was his prerogative. My mind was made up. I turned the key in the ignition and sped off. Today I would make my intentions clear and hell or high water, Bella was going to see through her clouded judgment and into the light of recovery. I vowed to save her and that’s what I intend to do.


	14. Chapter 13

BPOV

I pushed my apartment door open, the cool breeze of yet another night without heat a swift reminder as I walked in and shut the door softly behind me. I used to find comfort here, the dark, chilled nights a reminder of my life as it was without him. The large variety of psychiatrists I saw over the years said I never completed the stages of grief properly and that is why I call upon death as an easy solution to my constant turmoil but I disagree. They never looked deeper. They never saw or even experienced what it felt like to feel worthless, to feel like you weren’t enough of a reason to stay alive. 

I lived my life day in and day out trying to find meaning, a purpose to exist and all I found was every reason not to. He didn’t think I was worth it so why should I? There aren’t enough fingers on the human hand to count how many times I’ve tried to find reasons other than my inadequacy to justify his actions. After my mother died, I tried to take her place, be everything he needed to live a happy life without her and even when I had given up all I dreamed of, it still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.

This inadequacy remains prevalent even now so many years later. I can’t come to terms with who I am, what I want and what I should feel entitled too. My entire existence is frustrating and the more I live, the more I wish I didn’t have to. However as madding as my life seems, there is one grain of hope, one light that is resilient and that’s Jake. 

The last couple of days have been the best I’ve had in years. I didn’t have to do, say or even be anything else. My miserable self was enough for him and although there is some comfort in that, I wonder if that doesn’t also mean he is as broken as I am. Maybe his solution is to fix my constant void. Is it strange to wonder if two broken people can be whole together or is it worth it to be broken apart? Will he still care once I am better, when I can see past my guilt and want more for myself? Is that even possible?

It isn’t fair to place this burden on him, to force him to fix something that seems un-repairable even by professionals. A person has to want to change, want to be more for change to occur and I wasn’t sure I wanted it because it was all I had ever known. I couldn’t explain that to a seemingly happy man, a person who undoubtedly knew what it meant to be loved, appreciated and highly regarded. I didn’t want this virus known as regret to infect him and so that is why I had to leave. It was the right thing to do.

My focus remains forward as my body instinctually takes me towards the living room wall. It had been my ritual for so long to gaze at the happy memories of my short lived childhood. My mind is lost to the sea of happiness and joy I felt in each moment depicted in these photos. 

It was so easy to fall back into old habits. It was as if the moment I walked through my door, the shroud that had momentarily been removed fell heavily back upon me within moments. I was comfortable here; comfortable in the loss, the feeling of loneliness and the darkness I once called home.

It didn’t take me long to break, the tears falling heavily from my eyes as they gaze upon the final photo, the one snapped the night before she was taken from us. It was strange how mourning for her was easier than mourning for him. I’d had always been called Daddy’s little girl but never thought much of it until now. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my mother but my father always understood me better. He was always there to wipe the tears, help me when I fell and offer me good advice when needed. It was no fault of my mother’s that she wasn’t capable of these things, her work schedule consisting of five twelve hour nights at the hospital nor was it her fault that some dirt bag, drugged off his mind stabbed her while she was trying to see to his wounds. No one saw her death coming and that is partly why he couldn’t come to terms with it. I tried daddy. I tried to be her, be everything for you. Why couldn’t you see that? I plead as my eyes focus on his joyous face while I’m hung over his shoulders. 

I wanted that happiness again so badly I could taste it but he took that from me. He took everything from me and with the reality of that evil; grief turns to anger within a blink of an eye. I don’t see anything but hatred, torment and endless, sleepless nights ahead. With this anger comes violence, my arms thrashing in every direction, pulling down all the photos, breaking the only lamp I owned along with the half glass coffee table in the center of the room. I hated what I had become and to no fault but my own. I know at any time I could chose to be better, want it and pull myself from it but for what? The potential to be with a man, who if he knew this truth would run like many of the others or worse manipulate me enough to gain affection and then flee?

The last thought only fueled my anger, my bloody hands rising up from my waist, fisting into balls and hitting the sides of my head trying to pain the bad thoughts away. Jake wasn’t like that. Why did my mind always resort to the worst, make me feel like I deserve no better. I fell to my knees in defeat, the conclusion to all this nonsense was clear but I couldn’t find the will to do it. I needed to return for treatment. I couldn’t continue this vicious cycle any longer. Maybe it was better to be a prisoner of four padded walls than live a non-existent life outside the institution.

A thumping at the door pulled me from my melancholy thoughts and back to reality. Curious yet suspicious I rose to my feet as quietly as I could and walked slowly towards the door. I moved at tortoise speed to see if with my delay whoever it was would leave or announce who they were or what they wanted. Unfortunately, I’d been privy to many solicitations and born again activists so I couldn’t be too sure who else would be beckoning my attention at this hour. 

When I finally reached the door, I pressed my hand to the cold steel while my spare hand reached up to slide the arm covering the peep hole. As I gazed through the glass, I wasn’t the least bit surprised to see two police officers standing on the other side of the door. It was only a matter of time before they arrested me for what happened at the hospital. It was easier to blame the crazy girl than to look deeper and find the evils that lurk within those faded pastel walls. 

Trying to calm my nerves, I took a deep breath and slid my hand over the chained lock and unlocked it. Once the door was open and nothing stood between me and the law, I reached my arms out and pressed my wrists together.

“I won’t fight you.” I whispered as I turned my eyes away and awaited my fate.

To my surprise the cool chill of the metal never graced my skin but rather spoken word instead.

“We aren’t here to arrest you Miss Swan. There haven’t been any formal charges or arrest warrants issued as of yet. As a personal favor to the dean of medicine, we came here to offer you redemption, a way out of this bind you find yourself in. Please don’t misunderstand, there is always the possibility of arrest but not as of yet. It would be in your best interest to come with us.”

Although grateful I wasn’t being arrested, I was still a tad bit skeptical about this so called “conversation”. I wasn’t sure if this was just a ploy to get me in her grasps so she could have me committed or to give me the opportunity to confess and offer me some form of punishment she felt was more suitable than jail time. 

Either way, I didn’t have much of a choice so I reached for my coat and followed the officers out. I wasn’t sure what the future held for me but at this point it really didn’t matter. I was a lost soul in a sea of endless darkness and without the ability and time to make peace with my past, I was starting to realize I would forever be lost.

XXXX

JPOV

Why did Mother Nature decide that today would be the day to produce a wicked storm? I tried to press my car to the limits, my eagerness to get to Bella before she had time to make her final bow from this world outweighing the need for self-preservation every second I remained on course. I had never come so close to death as I have tonight, my car skidding out of control not once but three times within a three block radius. I didn’t care if I got hurt, if the car ended up in pieces or if I had to walk to the other side of town. All that mattered was that I got to her. I was the only one who could.

While waiting at a traffic light one block from Bella’s apartment, I couldn’t help but notice a car nose first into a street pole. Everything within me said to pull over and help but a small part of me wanted to get to Bella so badly it made it hard to keep my gaze forward instead of off to the side. 

Work or love? Work or love? This was the battle my conscious was faced with while I sat at the longest traffic light known to man. Was this God’s way of telling me it was my duty to put my personal life aside for another’s? Wasn’t that what I was doing now? What makes one life more valid than another’s?

I never had these mental debacles before. I never had to decide between personal and business because there was no other option. My job took precedence over all else and now shouldn’t be any different. If I was good at my job, which I could say with all confidence and conviction that I was damn good, than this shouldn’t take any time at all. I could help these people and be with Bella within minutes.

Deciding to do the right thing, I waited for the light to turn green, rolled the car off to the curb and jumped out. The wind and snow combination was vicious. It didn’t seem to matter how fit I was or how determined my mind had been on helping these people. This storm was relentless in its pursuit to keep me from doing the right thing but I wasn’t giving up. 

When I finally made it to the car, I tapped on the window and waited for a response. After waiting a few minutes and gaining no response, I tried to pry the door open but found it still remained locked. With no other option, I screamed above the howling wind into the glass hoping someone inside remained conscious. After receiving nothing, I pressed my ear to the glass and could hear a very tiny whisper but it wasn’t loud enough for me to make out the words. I pressed my mouth close to the fogged glass and asked them to speak up.

“Please help us. I can’t feel my legs and my baby….” A woman cried in response.

“Miss I need you to try and move away from the door. I’m going to try and break the glass. Can you do that for me?” I hollered back and after hearing a whimpered “Ok”, I clenched my fist and pounded against the frozen window.

Thankfully after several firm blows the glass shattered and gave me the ability to assess the situation. Once I had a clear view, I could see I couldn’t handle this alone so I pulled out my cell and dialed 911. Due to the frozen power lines, the return I got after each attempt was a steady busy. I didn’t want to waste any more time than I had so I tried to focus and make do with what I could.

It was clear to me that in the accident this woman had severed some major arteries in her legs rendering her crippled and her child, who thankfully was in a car seat remained unconscious. My impulse was to help the child and so I asked the mother to stay calm so I could see if the toddler was even breathing. Thankfully she had a pulse, it was faint and seemingly the cold was eating away at whatever life the little girl had left.

“Save my baby please…don’t worry about me just save my baby.” She cried as she gripped my shoulder and pleaded with me.

“We have to get you both out of here. She won’t survive the cold much longer and neither will you.” I replied as I moved out of the back seat and pulled the scarf from around my neck.

“This is going to hurt but it’s just to stop the bleeding until we can get to the hospital” I whispered as I looped the scarf around her one leg and tied it tightly. 

“I need you to keep pressure on the other leg for me. Can you do that?” I questioned as I moved away and entered the back seat.

“Ok little one. Jake is going to get you help.” I whispered as I unlatched the seat belt and carefully pulled the child from the chair.

Once I had the child secure, I moved back towards the front. “Ok I need you to reach over and grab my shoulders. I can’t carry you both so I need you to pool what little strength you have and hold on to me.”

“I can’t” the woman whimpered as she fell heavily into the car seat.

“Can’t is not an option. Your baby needs help. You need help. I know it’s hard but you have to be strong now. Please just grab onto me.” I pleaded knowing time was of the essence.

Thankfully I felt her grip on my shoulders and pulled up. Trying to maintain my balance and their mutual weight, I tried to make my way back to the car. When the car seemed just a few feet away, I felt the woman’s grasp release from my arms and a loud thud hit the snowy pavement behind me. 

Quickly I turned and noticed she had also lost consciousness so I had to decide which was the greater good. Only being a few feet away, I ran to the car, turned the key in the ignition and blasted the heat. “I will be right back little one, promise.” I whispered as I placed the child on the driver’s seat, shut the door and ran back to the mother.

Gripping her firmly within my arms, I cradled her against my chest and carried her back to the car. With one hand I opened the back seat and laid her across. Slowly and carefully, I placed my fingers to her jugular and thankfully she still had a pulse. Gently I rubbed her arm and tried to wake her. I needed her to hold the child for the car ride. I couldn’t’ risk us getting into an accident as well.

“Miss….Miss….I need you to wake up.” I whispered while I got a bit firmer with my rubs.

Thankfully her eyes rolled open and she seemed somewhat conscious. “I need you to hold your babe. Just for a little while. Please miss…she needs you.”

Accepting my plea she nodded her head and with her acceptance I reached over, grabbed her child and placed her securely in her mother’s arms.

“If you have any strength left, try to keep rubbing her. She needs body heat.” I instructed while I secured a spare blanket around them both.

“Thank you.” She whispered and with a smile I replied “Just doing my job. Now let’s get you two to the hospital.”

Without delay I slammed the back door, jumped into the driver’s seat and pulled away. I wasn’t sure if these two were going to make the long trek back but I had to believe that my efforts were not in vein. I had to believe that I was enough to save this woman and her child’s life.


	15. Chapter 14

BPOV

I kept my focus on the outside world as it became inundated with snow. This was by far the worst storm to date and yet through all its destruction laid a beauty beyond measure. The pearly white flakes as they melted upon the heated glass of the police car called to mind one of my fondest memories. 

My father was working late one night and our town was hit by a strange winter clipper. The ground and surrounding trees were blanketed in a soft pale white snow which made the dull almost gloomy sites of our dear town almost angelic and heavenly. Without thought I threw my jacket on and ran outside. 

Once my feet crunched against the dense, wet snow I instantly felt the need to be consumed by it. Falling back I landed firmly against it and instantly began swaying my arms back and forth creating snow angels as many people liked to call it.

I wasn’t sure how long I remained there but what I can remember was a warm hand grazing mine, repeating the same movements beside me. I turn to my right and find my father playing right beside me, his warm smile reflecting back which only ignites a sense of joy to fill me at the fact that he also found amusement in such a childish gesture even after such a long shift at work. “You’ll always be my angel Bella.” he whispered and with his nurturing words a sense of love fills me. I wanted to feel that again, that warmth that spreads from deep within through your entire body, that sense of belonging, fondness and need. 

When he left me and chose the pistol over that love, he took with him all that was within me to ascertain those feelings and anything remotely close to them.

The anger forced itself through the joyous memory and was quick to remind me why I didn’t want to live anymore. My palms filled with sweat as the anxiety kicked in and flashes of that night took the place of my joy and filled it with regret. Never once did I feel as helpless as I did the night my father took his life and never again will I know what it feels to not be.

“Ms. Swan…Ms. Swan. We’re here.”

The officer’s deep voice pulls me from my momentary depression and reminds me that for the moment, reality calls and grief can wait. I nod my head and exit the vehicle, the one officer remaining at my back while the other shows me the way. A chill fills me as we walk through the automatic doors and the harsh reality of my visit just a few days’ earlier flashes before my eyes in quick replay. 

I hated hospitals even more than I hated the people in them. You would think having a mother in the profession it would warrant some respect but not from me. It was her profession that took her from this life and it was her death that took his life from me. I will never forgive her for choosing career over family and for that, this facility and anything remotely like it, will receive no assistance from me.

They usher me down the long corridor and into an office just off to the right. I move slowly behind them taking in my environment and trying to keep my nerves at bay. It wasn’t like I didn’t know the outcome of this conversation however; life has a way of throwing a wrench into the mix so I had to be prepared for anything.

A soft, serene voice pulled my attention forward. The dean was just finishing up a phone conversation and motioned for me to take a seat in front of her. Nervously I sat down and tried to force my leg not to hop in place as I waited for her to end the call. Thankfully she wrapped it up quickly and turned her attention to me.

“Ms. Swan I presume” she questions as she looks at me above her reading glasses.

“Yes I’m Bella Swan” I reply kindly and hope maybe acting calm and collected will show my lack of lunacy.

“Well Ms. Swan you’ve caused quite a stir in this hospital. I have two injured nurses and one male nurse with significant fractures to his face. By law we shouldn’t even be having this conversation except in court but I’m inclined to wave all charges if you can give me your account of the events that transpired between you, Maria and Frank.

I couldn’t help my curiosity and without thinking first, I replied “You want my account? I thought Maria told you what happened and her words are certainly more plausible than the words of a crazy woman.”

Internally I slapped myself and couldn’t believe I was sitting her mocking a woman who was giving me a chance at freedom. Surprisingly my quick witted comment brought laughter and not anger as she chuckled while replying, “I’m sorry for laughing and I can understand why you would feel we’ve categorized you as crazy but trust me, there are people far worse off than you Ms. Swan. I believe you are of sound mind and choose to use extreme methods to deal with a lot of your past burdens but you’re not crazy. You are fully cognizant of your actions and that is why I need to hear your side of the story.”

Her response made sense and I really had nothing to lose or gain from telling her the truth. At this point, it was either help or get arrested so I decided to give in and help.

I went through the details of that night similarly to the way I told Jake and Embry a few nights earlier. The dean never interrupted but rather took notes and allowed me to explain everything. After all was said and done, I have to admit I felt better. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and for once someone was on my side.

“Well I think that’s all I need for now however, there is this small matter we still have to discuss but I think you will find my proposal more beneficial than the alternative.”

The smile that resided on my face quickly turned straight. I wasn’t naïve to believe my confession would just make my actions go away but I was hoping it would be preserved for what it was, self-defense and maybe this woman would find it in her heart to just let me slide but apparently that wasn’t the case at all.

I watched as she removed her glasses, stood up from her chair and walked around the desk. Casually she sat on the desk in front of me and said, “Ms. Swan as dean of this hospital it is my job to not only make sure things run smoothly but to ensure the safety and wellbeing of not only its patients but its employees as well. Although your account of that night’s event would prove Frank violated company protocol thus resulting in his injuries, a court of law is going to have to decide his fate. I will need you to testify to your words in court, can you do that?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. Could I do it? Yes but did I want too? I’ve watched plenty of Law and Order and I know people who have been committed are deemed irresponsible and incompetent and did I really want to put my fragile mind through all that just to see this guy pay for what he tried to do to me and what he did to Maria.

Before I could reply, she continues, “You see Ms. Swan, I need your testimony if justice is to be served and from where I stand, you really only have two options. Help me or go to jail. I’m willing to help you, provide documentation that you were medicated and acting in self-defense but I need your help in return so I ask you again, will you help me?”

What choice did I really have? I never thought prison was an option, an asylum maybe but never prison. “I guess you leave me no choice here.”

Enthusiastically she claps her hands together and hollers “Great! Now I will need you to write a formal statement for the police and once that is done we will proceed with the admittance papers.”

“Admittance papers?” I inquire knowing full well what admittance papers she was referring too. 

I knew this was all too good to be true, that she would look beyond my past misfortunes and realize I came here of my own free will and that alone should deem me somewhat sane enough to live out my life but no. The world was cruel and its inhabitants judgmental and shy sty so why would she be any different.

She looked at me questionably when I inquired further as if I was asking a ridiculous question and wasn’t astute to every word of our conversation. Shaking her head while turning her glance from me and walking back around her desk she replies “Ms. Swan, I know we don’t know each other personally but based on your medical records you are a sick woman. Insane? No, but someone who really needs the care of a psychological physician. You can’t honestly tell me your behavior is normal or anything resembling normal can you? I’m not trying to be mean or disrespectful here but I’ve always been a frank and upfront individual and I would think you would expect that of someone in my position. I know you will not voluntary seek aid for the conflicts you possess but I have the means and the determination to see to it that you do get better and not remain a constant visitor to my ER.”

Like a child being reprimanded by a parent my gaze falls to the floor and in defiance and with nothing left to dispute I reply “I’m not crazy. I don’t need help. I just need to be left alone.”

“Being left alone got you into my ER the other night Ms. Swan so it is clear to me you can’t be alone.”

Without thought of the repercussions of my words and fueled by a mixture of anger and rage, I reply “I wasn’t alone when I ran away. If you are unsure of my sanity just ask Jake Black. He will tell you I’m not crazy.”

Quickly my hands rush to my lips in an effort to silence my mouth from blurting out any more than I already had. It wasn’t my intent to get Jake in trouble and here I was like a child ranting and raving as if it would even help or benefit me in any way. The one person who saw me as more than a mental patient, who nurtured and cared for me, I just threw under the bus in an effort to save my own life when in retrospect it would do nothing of the kind. My omission and my assistance would do nothing to stop what was already put in motion and so now I’ve not only condemned myself but Jake as well.

“Mr. Black is a good man and I have no doubts you would perceive his assistance as anything short of miraculous and full of good intent but even if he was to vouch for your current actions, that doesn’t excuse you from your past, the trend of cutting, suicide attempts and violent behavior you’ve exhibit both in and out of this hospital. I would hope by now you would see that you can’t do this alone but as of right now, it’s not up to you anymore. Do we understand one another?”

I had no argument. There was nothing I could say because it was clear to me that my past and present actions spoke louder than any words I could possibly say at this moment. I was deemed unfit for life and incapable of acting rationally even when the situation called for it. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was safer for me within the confines of a padded cell, left to my thoughts and the horrors of my past with no hope for absolution. My past was in fact my cross to bear and if I was to ever see normalcy alone, then help was needed, warranted and now readily available.

In defeat I shook my head and took the pen and paper that she had extended out to me. Today I would leave shackled and chained to a future unknown and the only hope I had was that my saving grace would be waiting for me once my penance was given.

XXX

JPOV

I tried to remain focused, my eyes veering from front to the rear view mirror and back again. It was hard enough driving on two inches of ice covered snow let alone trying to make sure your patients in the backseat were still breathing. I had to keep both hands on the wheel as the traction was void on this piece of shit car I inwardly wished I had traded in years ago. 

A deep sigh exits my lips as the hospital is within sight. “We’re almost there, hold on!” I holler to the woman behind me and quickly take a glance back hoping I would gain some response.

Unfortunately there was no movement and my raised voice caused the baby to start crying. It was moments like this where I wished Embry was here. I really did need those extra pair of hands. Pressing firmly on the gas pedal and praying I didn’t hit another patch of ice, I raced to the entrance. Skillfully I was able to reach the entrance to the hospital without incident and quickly swung open the door and hollered out to whoever was on shift.

“I need a doctor here. This woman is badly hurt and she has a baby with her. I need people NOW!”

The nurses ran out of the automatic doors with a gurney in hand. Quickly they pushed me aside and went to work. Normally I would be more hands on, helping them in any way I could but for the first time I allowed shock to have its hold on me. I felt helpless, like all my years of experience and training went out the window in the blink of an eye. 

“It’s ok Jake we’ve got her.” The nurse says as they pull the child from within the arms of the woman and then proceed to remove her from the car.

“She has severe injuries to her leg. I tied my scarf around the severed artery to stop the bleeding but I’m not sure how much blood she lost before I arrived or after I put pressure on it.”

My eyes remained fixated on the woman as they moved her onto the gurney. I didn’t even notice Maria was on shift until her warm hand came upon my shoulder and she whispered “You did good Jake. We’ve got her now. It will be ok.”

How will it be ok? The woman was bleeding out and she had a young child who if they weren’t successful, if I wasn’t fast enough could be a child of a deceased parent. How was any of this alright? Anger brewed within me and rather than take it out on the people who were trying to help, I pulled away from Maria’s grasp and stormed out onto the sidewalk just off to the side.

How could I let this happen? Why did it take so much time to get here? Why couldn’t I save her? The questions were endless and without answer. The feelings of failure and disappointment ran ramped within me just as they had the day my father died. It was strange how in moments like this, I was reminded of my inadequacies and downfalls. This wasn’t the first car accident I had encountered or will it be my last so why couldn’t I do more, be more?

My fingers laced within my wet hair, tugging and pulling in frustration over tonight’s events. Why did I continue to fail at what I did best? I couldn’t save this lady and I can’t save Bella. What was the purpose of being in a profession that saves lives when the person supposed to be doing the saving can’t?

The bitter taste of despair and disappointment rose within me and forced me to my knees. I felt empty and helpless because for the first time since I ventured into this occupation, I felt like a failure. I had my share of death but never like this, not like this. 

Lost in my own confusion, I didn’t see a woman come up beside me but rather felt the heat of her words on my neck as she whispered in my ear “You can’t save everyone Jake.”

I knew the voice and the strawberry scented perfume that came along with it. Quickly I turned to my left and saw Bella kneeling beside me in the snow. “Bella what are you…” I inquired but she was quick to silence me with her finger.

Questionably I gazed back at her as my eyes took in the handcuffs around her wrists. Before I could usher another word she continues, “I have to go away for a while. I want you to know you’ve saved me in so many ways Jake and for that I’m grateful. This is by no means your fault. I want you to continue to do what you do best and not take this for anything other than what it is. This was my choice and I hope that when I get out, you and I can finally start living our lives the way we should have from the beginning.”

I was speechless. I had so many questions and wasn’t given any time to attain answers. Before I could question, she kissed my lips softly and rose from the floor. The two armed police officers were quick to take her back into custody.

“Bella wait!” I hollered but all I received in return was a turnaround glance and her mouthed response of “Thank you.”

I didn’t know what was going on, where they were taking her or what she had done in my absence but what I was sure about was, this wasn’t the end and if I had my way, it was only the beginning.


	16. Chapter 15

JPOV

My world was suddenly crumbling all around me, the one thing that could change everything, make me believe in the person everyone proclaims me to be was being hauled away in a police car. I was powerless, helpless to stop her from her assumed doom and without her, I was just an ordinary man performing his assigned duties. 

I needed her, more than anything. I needed to fix her, show her there was more to life than endless despair and sadness, show her a world filled with compassion and love. She in essence was my salvation, the one thing that could take away the grief I felt over failing the one person that meant anything to me in this world, my father. 

In defiance, I rose to my feet and charged the police car hoping I could reach it in time so I could talk some sense into the officer within. Unfortunately for me, the bad weather and fatigue I incurred during my journey had gotten the best of me and I wasn’t fast enough to reach her. The sight of her gazing out the rear window, the tears falling from her eyes as she mouthed “I’m sorry” broke what was left of my strong heart. My body gave into the grief, falling to the floor in confusion and disgust. How was I to attune without her? Why would God chose to bring her into my life only to take her away before I could help her, cure her of her depression?

The questions were endless with no viable reason to follow. I didn’t know what to do, where to go or who to turn to. My assumed friends, even my best friend couldn’t understand my quest, my vow to save her so how could any of them help me now? 

Rising to my feet, I let my mind go numb and follow through with the normal routine as if none of this happened. I had no choice but to carry on until my mind felt strong enough to seek answers and find a new purpose, a new way to redeem myself from my grief.

As I drug my weak body through the automatic doors, a sense of pride filled me as my eyes caught sight of the baby I rescued earlier, her wails of hunger deafening to all in the room but like music to my ears. I moved towards the room where Maria was trying to further examine the baby but was failing miserably as the baby thrashed a bit and continued to scream in defiance. The sight was somewhat comedic and offering a small measure of humor to a rather horrendous day. You would think that Maria being a mother of two, having all the nurturing qualities a mother would exude would somehow simmer the child just by soft tone and touch alone but she only managed to cause her to scream louder.

Moving stealth fully past several other nurses and into the room, I stood by Maria as she fought the infant trying to listen to her heart. As if I were skilled in the art of parenthood, I extended my finger out to the little one and immediately she grabbed my finger and silenced. I can’t really explain the connection I felt, this surge of pride, love and comfort that came from this little bundle but it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I didn’t have a parenting bone in my body but strangely it felt like second nature out of nowhere. 

Surprised by the silence Maria turned to me in shock, her mouth catching flies as she stood in astonishment.

“What? You always said I was a lady killer. I guess the kid has good taste” I replied as I moved in closer and scooped the little one into my arms.

“That’s still up for interpretation” she replies snidely with a crooked smile.

Before I can rebut, the loud chimes of the heart rate monitor from the neighboring room indicating flat line pulls Maria’s attention from me. “Can you hold her for a minute, I need to assist.” She pleas while she pushes past me not allotting time for an answer but rather assuming I would help all the same.

Slowly I turn to my right and notice a chair just outside the room. Gradually and with great care I move towards it, my eyes never leaving the little ones as she giggles softly while continuously gripping my finger. She was beautiful, more beautiful than any child I had seen in my tenure. I was lost in rapture, her gaze so intense it felt like she was reaching my very soul, looking for something, thirsting for something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

“We’re losing her!” Maria hollers as the machines continue to scream the death that was sure to follow.

Lost in the innocence of this special child, I failed to notice that a few minutes after her demand for assistance; Maria came out of the neighboring room and stood before me.

“Jake?” she inquires trying to call my attention but I pay her no mind.

“Jake…her mother…she’s…”

I don’t allot her time to speak knowing full well that her mother didn’t make it. Although saddened that I had lost yet another patient, strangely it didn’t affect me as much, not while I held this precious child within my arms. For the first time in my life, I felt the core of my being find purpose, a reason to continue on, a way to silence my grief and atone for my sins. In this child, I saw hope.

“Jake Black, I know that look. I know what you are thinking and I hope you know that it’s never going to happen. That baby is not yours and you are in no way fit to care for it. I’m sure it has a father or family that is stricken with grief over her and her mother. Do not get attached, you hear me? Jake!” she hollered but her warnings, her defiance of my new quest didn’t have the least bit effect on me. 

God had taken everything from me and now, within the eyes of this small child I saw hope again, breathed the air of a free man and I knew it was my destiny to help her through life.

“Em! Em! Get over here and talk some sense into your friend. He’s got that look again, you know the one he had for that crazy brunette Bella.”

The deep voice of my best friend came chiming through my ears, his warning, pleading and abrupt demands of my attention, continued to fall on deaf ears because nothing he could say or warn would change my mind. I knew what I wanted and she was it.

“Jake! Hello…earth to Jake. Get your mind out of the diapers and into reality buddy. I know that look, the look you wore not too long ago with a woman named Bella. You do remember Bella don’t you? You know crazy but I’m not crazy Bella? Jake…come on man snap out of it.”

Her name as it flowed through my ears and into my thoughts pulled me from the warm embrace of hope and back to reality. It was true I had found a new path, a way to atone however, Bella would never be far for my thoughts. Her and I also had a connection and it was vaguely similar to the one I felt with this child. The two had much more in common than one would think, the need to be loved, the need to feel cared for and the hope that with time, that same love can be returned. 

I looked up from the child’s eyes and back at Embry who stood there dumbfounded by my obvious complete disregard of his attendance. “Yes I remember Bella and as it stands now, she is gone for the time being but don’t worry I will find her, in time. As for you little one…” I turn my attention back to the little beauty who now rests peacefully within my arms, “I have my eyes on you, always.”

“Seriously Jake have you lost your mind? You hold this baby, talk to it like it were your own. Is there something you are neglecting to tell me? Did you sleep with her mother?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the insinuation. Embry knew I didn’t bring women home, if anything he thought me more of a celibate than a slut. “No Em I didn’t sleep with her mother. I could try and explain why I feel so connected with her but you wouldn’t understand.”

“I understand more than you know Jake. All your life or at least the several years I’ve known you, you’ve been on this quest for atonement, trying to find the one person that can somehow redeem you from your dark past but what you fail to realize is that you don’t need someone to fix you. You need to fix you.”

The humor was sucked right out of me as his words rang true in my ears. I guess I knew it all along that I would never find one person or one act of bravery that would constitute the repair of my loss but I always had hope. 

“I know my thoughts, my way of doing things isn’t what you or even Maria might do but it is my way of dealing. I always told you, you don’t like there’s the door. Listen, you are my best friend and I know you want what’s best for me but you have to allow me to make the decision on what or who that is. I know I seem rash, but I know in my heart that people come into my life for a reason, a reason unknown to me at first but becoming ever the more clear as time passes.”

“So you believe this child, which is not yours, came into your life for a reason? Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me and although I think you are going to make the worst mistake of your life, I am your friend and will support you in whatever way I can but….I don’t do babies, never have, never will, so don’t ask.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the truth to his statement. “I think it’s cute and all that you two have agreed to taking on this baby but who is to say that you can take it?” Maria chimes in killing the brief moment of understanding.

“I didn’t say anything about taking it? Did you Jake?”

“No I didn’t say anything about taking her.”

“Don’t you two play cute with me. I know for a fact Embry isn’t eyeing her since she is not old enough to get in the sack but you Mr. Black, youuuu are plotting something.”

Innocently I put my one spare hand in the air and offered surrender. It was true deep down I wanted to care for this child but not alone. If her family came to claim her, I would just ask that I be able to visit, spend time with her and with such a humble request I doubt any good human being would deny it.

“You know me better than that Maria. I’m not conspiring at all. I simply want to be a part of this child’s life but definitely not as its parent or guardian.”

Before Maria could rebut, a familiar voice interceded the conversation, “Ahh Mr. Call, Mr. Black and my favorite nurse Maria, how it warms my heart to see you all huddled in the middle of the OR floor doing not what you are paid to do but rather conversing on company time.” The dean taunts as she moves between me and Maria and stands in the center of our small huddle.

“It has been brought to my attention that you, Mr. Black have been aiding and abetting. If it were up to me I would have you removed from this hospital, the paramedic occupation and any other profession that helps people in trouble but alas, your chief comes to your rescue singing your praises and providing adequate enough reasoning why I should not have you fired. I will however warn you; under no circumstances are you to set foot in this hospital ever again as a paramedic. You are being reassigned as of now and if I ever catch you here, you can best believe I will have your ass. Do I make myself clear?”

Not allotting time for me to plea with her, she turns and walks away. Taken back by these sudden events and the effect they will have on my career, life and new found hope I stumble back, the glass wall of the vacant room behind me all that keeps me on my feet and steady.

“She can’t do this. I need to be here. I want to be here.” I mumble my eyes searching the open air, moving in rapid succession left to right while my mind desperately searches for answers but come up with nothing plausible.

“Jake listen to me, it’s for the best. I think a change of scenery might help you more than you care to admit. You have so many memories here and all of which are better left forgotten. This is a blessing in disguise. Trust me.” Maria replies as she places her hand on my burdened shoulder.

“I can’t be without her Maria. She is my last hope, can’t you see that?” I grovel, my voice horse, my heart breaking with each moment I remain holding this precious child in my arm for what might be the last time.

“Listen Jake there are a lot of things the dean doesn’t know that actually go on here. I’m sure if you really need this little girl for whatever reason, we can find a way ok but for the time being, get home and get some rest. It’s been a long day.” She whispers as her hand scrunches against my wet shirt.

Helplessness and grief were all that consumed me. I knew it was unhealthy of me to jump right in and place so much emphasis on the importance of this child in my life but my father always said “Jake you were always one to were your heart on your sleeve. It is your most prized position, cherish it.”

I couldn’t fight the connection I felt towards helping this little one just like I couldn’t fight the connection I felt with Bella. These women were both important to me for various reasons and for the first time since his death, hope filled my heart and nothing was going to take that from me.

Carefully I extended the little girl over to Maria. Gently she took her slowly from my arms and allotted me one last moment to say goodbye. Softly I whispered to her, giving her a name I thought best suited her, “I will come back for you Hope, cross my heart.”

Through her deep slumber she smiles slightly at the sound of my voice which only fuels my desire to remain with her until her release. She was one part of my life and Bella was the other. Although I wasn’t sure just how things would turn out, I had a feeling that things were about to change for the better.


	17. Chapter 16

BPOV

Three days later…

An eternity is what it feels like, an eternity since I’ve smelled the fresh air, embraced the morning sunshine and immersed myself in the comforts of my true savior. I never valued anything in my life, my mind lost to a sea of grief, my eyes clouded by a warped sense of reality and my heart, so blackened by despair I never saw the true love and devotion given to me in my moment of need. Depression was an ugly seed, nurtured by my tears and growing at an exponential rate each day I remained alive and my father remained six feet under. 

I realize now, heavily medicated, braced to my bed like a rabid dog and confined to a room with no windows and a single door with a peep hole that I had truly lost my way, my connection with the human world. Upon my arrival, I was open to every opportunity to find assistance however, when the nurse came at me with a needle stating that due to my past attendance sedation was required, I went mad with rage. I didn’t need drugs, I needed help, someone to help guide me through the darkness of despondency and into the light of humanity.

It took three aids to hold me down but eventually the evil wench got her revenge and pierced my skin with the vial metal that would forever seal my fate. I remain here, drugged, drooling and delusional hoping that God will have pity and offer me solace from this doom I commit myself too. Hope was fading fast within me and with time, even my mind would give up the fight.

One Year later…

If you asked me a year ago how I was faring, I would tell you I wasn’t. I felt hopeless, tired and beyond aid as I lay lifeless in my bed. I wanted nothing more than to be rid of this place and every evil soul within it, the cackling of the crazy patients that surround me was maddening and day by day I felt like I was slowly losing touch with what little reality I had left.

As if God saw fit to bestow upon me another angel, Dr. Klein entered my dark universe and showed me a way out. It took five long months of intense therapy, medication and group counseling to pull me from grief’s grasp but today, for the first time since his death, I feel free, open to new experiences without preconceived notions, aspiration to do harm or delusional notions that death was the only way out. 

Dr. Klein has been a godsend for me and with my continued progress; I hope I can see the light of the outside world in a few months’ time. Although I am ecstatic to finally be gone from this place, my chest quakes with the notion that things have also changed while I’ve been gone. I’ve had no communication with the outside world and although there was a time I had hoped Jake would come to visit, I knew that was impossible.

It became clear to me as I saw through the error of my own reality that he too on some level was dealing with his own ailments. I could see his tortured soul, his quest for atonement even though I never indicated as much. It would seem two lost souls found one another and instead of helping each other, we fed off each other’s need for comfort thus blinding us from the truth. I needed to face my demons just as he must face his. I hope that with this time apart he was able to succeed and find the atonement he was searching for so that when we do meet again, it will be for good reasons and not from sympathy or empathy. 

He was never far from my thoughts, not even in the darkest moments of my life, his face, the kind words of encouragement and compassion were the only source of light and strength during those sad times and the one thing I relished even when it felt like all was lost. March 1st is my set release date and if all goes well, it will be the start of my new life and one that I hope includes Jake.

JPOV

If someone was to ask me a year ago if my job was worth it, I probably would have been hesitant because doubt had been so prevalent in my life then however, now, so many things have changed it is hard to see how I could allow such an insignificant emotion like doubt to ever enter into my mind.

After leaving the hospital, the hope that resided in my heart dwindled with the assumption that I had lost all that I held most dear. I found out through several channels that Bella was committed to a mental institution where no visitors were allowed. I’m sure if I used my clout I could have gained access to visit her but this time, I allowed the advice of my friends to intercede my thoughts and came to the conclusion that I couldn’t fix her. She needed to do this alone, to better herself and with time, when she was able, I hoped she would seek me out and maybe then something more could come of our friendship.

It was in drawing this conclusion I realized how at fault I was for believing I could save the world. I always thought it was an admirable trait, to see the positive in all situations and believe there was no mountain too high to climb, no prize to far from my reach but by setting such high expectations, by placing that standard bar too high, I allowed myself the room to fail and that’s exactly what happened over and over again. I became a masochist, wallowing in my own faults and weaknesses instead of coming to the realization that not everyone is perfect and not everyone can be saved. 

I’m not sure what brought about this eye opening revelation, maybe it was Bella making the choice to leave which only proved my actions fruitless or the fact that not even I, Jake Black, the paramedic of all paramedics, experienced and trained could save Hope from being a motherless child. It could have been a combination of both, each experience breaking down that wall of invincibly and allowing me to see that sometimes, things are just out of your hands. 

The months that followed were filled with silence. I took a leave of absence from work and dedicated my time to a bit of soul searching. It would seem I entered my present occupation under false pretenses but did that mean that I could no longer aid those in need because I lacked the motivation I once had? In helping Bella and Hope did it somehow break my resolve and make me incapable of doing my job? 

The questions were endless and it took many weeks to come to terms with the harsh realities of the answers however, once all the brain teasing and stress had passed, it became clear to me that below the surface, the quest for atonement, the desire to feel needed, a large part of me enjoyed helping others. If I could save just one life, one life had to be enough.

You could imagine my surprise when I received a phone call from child services several days later. Apparently, no one had come to claim Hope and with the high recommendation from several of the nurses and staff at the hospital, it was suggested I would be the prime candidate for foster care if I so wished. I was completely taken back by how this situation had played out and a part of me really wanted to help but there was a part of me that hindered on the idea all together. It wasn’t that I didn’t want Hope but was I best choice? Could I provide her the life she truly deserved?

In response to my lack of response, the social worker took it upon herself to conclude my restraint was due to my lack of want or ability. Before she could resend the offer, I was quick to accept. In my heart I knew I could do this but my mind was adamant that I was biting off more than I can chew.

Ultimately my mind was right and boy was this little girl a handful. Apparently in the wake of chaos and with no record of her birth in any of the databases, the hospital took it upon themselves to give her the name I called her when first we met, Hope. 

When Hope and I got reacquainted a few days after the phone call, the social worker repeatedly reminded me that this was temporary and at a calls notice, Hope could be picked up for adoption and out of my reach within moments. Although the thought pained me, the happiness that her small smile brought my world was so bright it cleared all doubt and sadness away.

Thankfully, along with my new bundle of joy, the social worker brought a few months’ supply of diapers, food and little odds and ends. It was true I had no experience with babies but being in the medical profession, I knew enough to kind of slide by. After she left and as if someone had struck her firmly with a back hand, Hope started to scream. I tried everything from plea bargaining, rocking, walking, sitting, standing, running and begging but the poor child would not be silent. In desperation I reached for my cell and called Maria. I knew she would revel in the fact that I called her for aid instead of the other way around but surprisingly she offered me a few tips and for the time being, food and a diaper change was all that was needed.

After the initial loud introduction, Hope and I got off famously. Once I learned what each squeal, cry and smell indicated, I became a pro at this Dad stuff. I decided that since I had no one to watch her or care for her when I returned to work, I would retire from paramedics and seek out another career that might be more conducive to my needs. Embry, being Mr. optimistic, was less than enthused by my choice both with regard to Hope and my future as a paramedic. He was quick to remind me she was temporary and that changing my life to fit her in was ignorant and stupid.

I knew that even though he was harsh and quick lipped with his words, Embry always spoke from the heart and it hurt him more that he was losing his partner in crime or as I like to call it his chick magnet rather than really looking out for my best interest or what made me happy. I expected nothing short of taunts and lectures from him but that was a clear indication of how he dealt with this new friend situation and as long as I committed to one night a week for drinks, he was satisfied.

It took me close to two months to find a job, nothing providing proper work schedule or the adequate funds. I was running through my savings quicker than I thought with now two mouths to feed and clothe so going back to work was a must.

The new job came in the form of mentoring and lecturing. I instructed and educated young adults and adults alike about the benefits of the medical profession and as an added source of income; I also taught various CPR and lifesaving technique workshops several evenings a month. When I was at work I left Hope with Maria’s husband since he worked nights and watched his own children during the day and at night, I took over shift until Maria got home. 

Everything was working out perfectly and for the first time in my life, I sought nothing but a good night’s rest and those beautiful brown eyes and cheerful smile of my foster daughter Hope. I was finally viewing life through a different pair of eyes and for the first time, I was content with how things were turning out.

After arriving home from Maria’s house a little after eight, I threw my suitcase and diaper bag on the couch and carried Hope to the bathroom for a bath. It would seem her and Kyle, Maria’s oldest were having fun with paints today. After filling the small basin with water, I held her slightly as I ran the wash cloth up and down her tiny frame, her cute giggles bringing an instant smile to my face.

“You know I love it when you smile beautiful.” I whisper as I continue to wash her fully.

Playfully she swings her hands and feet in the water finding ultimate amusement in getting me completely soaking wet from head to toe. Laughingly I shake my head as I pull her from the water and cover her up with a soft towel. While gently rubbing the lingering water from her sensitive skin, I make my way through the living room and into the kitchen. Quickly I retrieve the milk bottle from the fridge, swap it with the one ready to be used in the bottle warmer and moved back into the living room.

Before I can make it to the couch, the soft chime of my doorbell calls my attention. Strangely I turn towards the door, then to the clock on the wall and back to the door again. I wasn’t expecting anyone unless I mistakenly left something at Maria’s but she would have called first. Curiosity and uncertainty filled me. What if this was the social worker? No it couldn’t be her, she would have called but what if it was? I wasn’t ready to part with Hope, not yet. We were slowly becoming a family and although I knew the possibility was always there, the thought dwindled away when so much time had passed and I heard nothing.

Clutching Hope tightly to my chest I moved towards the door, the incessant doorbell chiming yet again, taunting me, scaring me half to death with the repercussions of what lied right behind the door. Mustering all the courage I could, I turned the lock and opened the door. Nothing could have prepared me for the sight before my eyes and although it wasn’t who I thought it would be, the sight was still surprising to say the least.

In complete confusion, I lift my one good hand and rub my eyes in denial of the person who now stands before me. After several rubs and still no change, I knew this was no illusion. Mutually surprised at my response, her eyes veer down to Hope and back towards me, the smile instantly replaced with a straight face of disappointment.

Without so much as a word she turns and tries to walk off but I couldn’t let her go with the misconception that she somehow missed out on a chance she seemed ready to make with me. 

“Still running huh Bella?” I inquire into the stale air of the hallway and with my response she turns, and for the first time I truly see her, her face full of color and her eyes wet with tears, for the first time I was truly being introduced to Isabella Swan.


	18. Chapter 17

BPOV

I tried to remain focused and not allow the fears of what I saw get the better of me but old habits die hard. I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around how quickly things had changed while I was gone. I knew it was wrong to feel as if everything around me should remain frozen in time and that when I was ready I could just pick up where I left off but that was a fantasy in and of itself. I knew it was stupid to lay hope in it and yet I continued to nurture the notion that if I was better, more suited to form a lasting relationship then maybe Jake could see that he was capable too and we could pick up where we left off.

It was apparent to me just how stupid that notion truly was as I stared at him holding a small child in his arms. It was crystal clear he had moved on, so much so that a child was brought into this world as a result and who was I to interfere in his happiness. 

Aside from the sadness that filled me at this startling revelation, I couldn’t help but notice how different he looked. It was as if he were a flame, ignited into action and slowing becoming brighter and more alive as he stood there staring at me in utter shock. 

“Why don’t you come in? You didn’t come all this way just to stand out in the hallway.” he continues as he turns sideways and pushes open his apartment door with his one spare hand.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place. After all this time, all these hurdles I conquered just to achieve this moment it felt like it was all for nothing. Here I was, assumingly in love as my therapist reminded me each time Jake came up in my group and solo sessions and it felt like I had no right to feel angry that my dream was falling to pieces before my very eyes. 

It was true we met under strange circumstances and it was even more far fetched to believe I could be in a love with a man I barely knew but it felt so easy with Jake. Within him were all the qualities that made him perfect and now that I was better, more open to the emotion, it only seemed right that I at least get a chance to experience what it truly means to have a relationship.

“Only if I’m not interrupting anything” I reply meekly unsure of what to do in this situation.

“I don’t think the lady of the house would mind as long as she can eat while we chat” he replies with a smile.

The words as they filtered through my ears caused my stomach to knot. Could I truly handle seeing Jake with someone else? Could I manage the array of emotions that were sure to flood and incapacitate me once my mind wrapped around the notion that all hope was lost? Had my illness finally taken from me the only good thing I had left?

I force myself to nod and face whatever lied inside. If anything, I owed Jake an explanation after all he had done to try and help me. 

Slowly I move towards him and into the apartment, the room before me familiar and eerie all the same. It felt like somehow I was in a dream, the emotions and turmoil I had once experienced here filtering through my mind and causing me to feel the familiar tinge of grief and sorrow I once felt. Taking a deep breath I force these emotions down and remind myself I was past this stage and working towards something better.

“Would you like something to drink?” he offers as he moves towards the kitchen.

“No thanks” I reply as I take a seat on the couch while my eyes continue to look around for this so called “lady of the house.”

Crossing into my line of sight, Jake moves past me and sits beside me on the couch. I can’t say I didn’t welcome the closeness; it was something I was hoping for since I arrived at his doorstep. However, as much as I wanted to start off on a better note than last time, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the cute baby resting within his arms. 

“She’s beautiful isn’t she?” he inquires as he presses the nipple of the bottle to her lips and she sucks happily upon it.

“Yes she is. What’s her name?” I reply trying to be cordial, my mind screaming to ask ll the questions that long to be answered about this new found situation.

“Hope. I couldn’t think of any other name to give her. She provided me so many things since we first met and continues to renew my sense of hope that with time, things will continue to get better.”

I tried to solve the mystery based on his response, find some inkling that maybe this baby wasn’t his or that he wasn’t in some long term relationship. I wanted to hope, funny how that word comes to mind, that even though some time has passed, there was still a small chance we could make this work.

“I’ve used that word more times than I have fingers. Hope has been the only thing that’s gotten me through. I guess without it, life isn’t worth living right?”

“Absolutely! Hope has given me a reason to look with promise towards the future. Her smile, the way she reaches to me in her hour of need, to the way she giggles each time she burps just brings such joy to my life. I didn’t think I would be fit to be a parent but sometimes fate has a way of just throwing you to the wolves.”

“You can say that again.” I reply with a chuckle.

“So enough about me, how are you?” he replies as he moves his eyes away from Hope and back onto me.

I get so lost in his eyes; the innocence, happiness and joy so evident and so pronounced it is hard not to fall under his spell. It became clear to me that the Jake I knew, the man that thirsted for redemption, yearned for salvation and thrived on success was no more. The man before me was changed and seemingly for the better.

“Bella? Bella? Are you ok?” he inquires, his eyes searching my dead-like stare for recognition.

Shaking my head and feeling completely mortified that I allowed myself to look so stupid I reply, “Yeah sorry. I space out once and a while…lingering effects of the medication I guess.”

Sliding in closer to me he replies, “It’s Hope isn’t it? You can be honest with me. I won’t be offended. It must have been a shock to come back and see me with a baby in my arms. I think I would have a similar response. Just so you know she is not mine, well not biologically that is. I saved her and her mother but unfortunately her mother didn’t make it. So here I am, with a beautiful baby girl…well until a social services finds a proper home.”

A sense of relief fills me at the thought that as far as it stands, there was no competition for me other than the cute baby in his arms. “I will admit…I was shocked. I mean I know it’s been a while since we last saw each other but I didn’t think a baby would be in the cards for you. You were so proud of your work and I just didn’t see you settling down so soon. I guess it’s true what they say, time does change things.” I reply my hands fidgeting within each other, my lips desperate to reveal the true nature of my visit but my heart demanding I refrain for now.

“It sure does. So I know you went a way for a bit and from the looks of it, it seemed to do well by you. How are you feeling…emotionally I mean? Are you officially released on good behavior or are you due back?”

“Its not like jail Jake although at one point I could swear it was. I’ve been released because I was deemed suitable to reenter society. I’m medicated and almost feel reborn in a sense. When we met I was so lost in my own grief I couldn’t see past it. I thought death was the only solution and now in hindsight, I feel almost childish for letting it get as bad as it had. Needless to say, the hospital helped me reclaim my life and so now I aspire to bigger and better things and the only thing I could think to do was come here, to see you.”

Smiling largely in return I could see my response was well received which made me smile as well.

“I’m glad to see you are doing well. I guess we both are in better places now. Speaking of places…have you been back to yours yet?”

“Actually…no. Honestly I figured since the landlord didn’t hear from me, he would have already rented my apartment and auctioned off my stuff. I didn’t have much anyway. I guess I will just rent a hotel room until I can get better situated.”

Shaking his head back and forth he replies, “Not necessary. You can stay here. I have a spare pullout couch and you can stay as long as you like.”

I didn’t know how to respond to such an offer but before my mind could contest my heart, I reply, “Really? Thank you. I mean I don’t have a job but I can maybe babysit until I do if that will help you with your night work.”

“Thanks for the offer but I don’t work as a paramedic anymore. I sort of lost my calling there and with Hope, I couldn’t find someone who could watch her at odd hours. Maria has been a big help don’t get me wrong but what justice would I be giving if all she did was see strangers faces all day. I found a job teaching workshops so I’m only away a half a day.”

Quickly I intercede, “Well I can do a half day. I can watch her during the morning and when you come home, I can go out job hunting. The trial is in a couple of weeks so I have to stay in town anyway, might as well look for something here right?”

I knew it was the luck of the draw, Jake allowing me to be alone with his daughter. It was true I didn’t have the greatest track record and if he based it on past experience, it would deem me unfit but I could hope couldn’t I?

Staring intently I watched him as he deliberated over my offer and after a few moments of no response I reply, “It’s ok Jake, I get it. I guess if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t want some loom to watch over my child either.”

“Bella I never thought you were a loon. You were conflicted, fighting your own past demons like I was. We were more alike than you think. It’s just…”

“How about you stay for two days…see how Hope and I get along, instruct me and then if you are comfortable, we can try alone.”

“That would work. I have the next few days off so it would work out perfectly.”

“Great! Well I know it’s late and I’m sure you want to get Hope to bed so I will just make myself a little bed right here and stay out of your way.”

Nodding he rose from the couch and walked towards the bedroom. Before entering he turned and replied, “It’s great to see you again Bella. I’ve missed you.”

His words were like music to my ears. I felt like a love sick high school girl who had just been kissed by her crush. What little doubt I had with regard to us was wiped away by that last comment and hope reigned supreme within me. I would prove I was worthy of his love and with time who knows, maybe I will get my happily ever after.


	19. Chapter 18

Two weeks later…

JPOV

The cool breeze as it trickled through the crack in my bedroom window and kissed my skin forced my eyes to open and look upon another winter storm commencing outside. Slowly I turn to my side to glance at my phone and sure enough, a text message displays from the coordinator stating class was cancelled for the day. I couldn’t help but smile, having time with my two girls had become more precious with each passing moment. It was strange how in a matter of a few weeks my life could be changed so drastically and all for good reason.

I turned back onto my side, Hope the barrier between Bella and I, sleeping as soundly as ever. She stayed true to her name, her innocence bridging the missing pieces and bringing Bella and I closer together. I won’t say I wasn’t apprehensive the first few days I left her alone but day after day Bella proved herself time and time again. The woman was amazing and from knowing how she used to be to what she has become is truly a marvel in itself. 

Many nights we sat up talking about our past and strangely they were vastly similar. It would seem through a loved one’s death I found purpose and so did she. Granted the aspects of that purpose were different, how we dealt with death complete opposites but in experiencing grief as we had, we learned that through time, assistance and persistence, happiness can be achieved.

Although Hope had offered me far more than I could dream of, Bella filled in the gaps in the aspects of my life I truly missed. She became a caretaker, housekeeper and companion. My hearts rhythm was now not only for the precious child between us but for the woman lying beside her. I haven’t alluded to my growing affections from her, a gentle wrap around the shoulder here, a sliding of the hand there but nothing as forward as a kiss. I didn’t want to push her, make her feel like this was a necessary progression if she didn’t deem it so. We had all the time in the world and I was more patient than most. 

“Morning” she whispers as her eyes flutter open.

“Good Morning” I reply with a smile.

While stretching her arms out and trying to wake up she replies, “Not so sure it’s a good morning from the looks of it outside but morning nevertheless.”

“It’s perfect. I’ve got my two best girls stuck with me all day. What could be better?” I enthusiastically reply.

“Well one of your girls. Did you forget what today is? Court day! Oh joy!”

“Yes I know its court day but seeing as the school is closed I figured court would be too.”

A smile creeps on her face at the notion and as if hopeful I was right, she reaches for her phone and busies her fingers sending a text to the hospital attorney. Within moments a response is received but seeing as her smile turns into a straight line, I can tell it is not what we both hoped for.

“No still on”

Sensing her upset, I slide from the bed, walk to her side and kneel down while placing my hands over hers on her lap. “We will be there to support you. You are not that girl anymore. You’ve proven that time and time again. Remember who you are, what you’ve become and don’t let any devious lawyer convince you otherwise.”

Sighing heavily she rubs her knees beneath my hands and replies while keeping her eyes down towards the ground, “I think you both should stay home. We don’t want Hope getting sick from the cold and you don’t need the stress of my nervous ramblings before I testify.”

Softly I lift my hand and pull her chin up so she can look me in the eyes and see the sincerity of my response. “I want to be there for you. I couldn’t be there when you really need me but now I can be. Let me be the one to hold your hand, be your strength when you are weak and the reminder that you are a better person.”

A tear escapes her eyes and gently I wipe it clear with my thumb as my hand grip her face and pulls her towards me. I knew this was out of line, against all I had promised myself I wouldn’t do but the time seemed to perfect not to take the opportunity presented to me. Before our lips could meet, the soft cries of Hope rang through and reminded us there was a hungry child needing someone’s attention.

“I’ll get the bottle. You’re on dirty diaper duty” she whispers as she moves to the side, rises from the bed and heads out to the kitchen.

“Geez honey. You really know how to kill a moment don’t ya” I reply as I reach over the bed and pull her into my arms. Giggling away she wrestles in my arms as I carry her over to the changing table. “You know I love you so much and you have nothing to be jealous about. There is no one pretty than you.” I whisper as I remove the rancid diaper from her body, clean her bottom and apply the baby powder.

She giggles in response and within moments I hear, “da”. I’m shocked still by what I thought I just heard and silence everything including my breathing hoping to hear it again.

“We really have to stop at the store and get some…”

“Shhhh” I inject and abruptly Bella stops and stares at me questionably.

After several minutes of nothing, I finishing changing her and advise Bella of what I thought I heard. “I could have sworn she spoke.”

Pulling her up from the table and resting her back in my arms I plea, “Come on baby girl, say it for Jake again.”

“Maybe a bribe will help?” Bella injects as she places the bottle within Hope’s tiny hands and she takes to it quickly.

“Nope. Once the girl has that bottle in hand there is nothing stopping the chug.”

We laugh in unison at the truth of my statement and walk back into the living room. Knowing time wasn’t on our side for various reasons, Bella took Hope while I showered and got ready and I did the same. A little over an hour later we were set and driving cautiously to the court house.

The air between us was thick with tension, Bella’s leg fidgeting relentlessly as she tried to remain patient while I drove at a snail like pace to the court house. There was nothing I could say to ease her troubled mind. She had every reason to be scared; the attorney for the defendant was a miserable bastard and was known by many as the devil in carnet. 

“It will be ok.” I whisper as I slide my hand over and place it softly on her leg.

She jumps at my advance and quickly I pull away not trying to add to her already frantic mind.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to jump. My mind is going at a thousand thoughts a second. I don’t think I can do this, face them. Face him” she replies as her hands cradles around her waist.

I knew that position. I had witnessed it many times before in the old Bella. I didn’t want to lose her to her mental turmoil again not when we had come so far. I place the car in park just one block shy of the court house. My abrupt stop causes her to turn and stare at me questionably, her eyes pleading with me to give her a reason to move forward, to conquer this last hurdle of her past.

“Listen to me. You are not the same person you were. Nothing anyone can say in there will change that. You are strong, resilient, kind and well of mind and spirit. If time has taught me anything it is that people can change and it is only fear that prevents that change from coming full circle. Believe you can do it and you will.”

Sighing under her breath I could tell she was taking it all in and trying to be strong. It was no easy feat being smacked in the face with your dark past in a room full of stranger but she had to believe that this was her past and not her future if she willed it.

“Let’s get this over with” she replies as she turns and faces forward.

I wasn’t sure if my pep talk worked but I could only hope that her new strong willed nature would supersede the old grief stricken one she clung to in months past.

XXX

JPOV

It felt like hours but in reality was merely thirty minutes before Bella was called to the stand. The way the whole ordeal played out was like a scene taken from Law and Order or A Few Good Men. She sat there nervously as the prosecutor questioned her about the incident, shying away from her past like any good attorney would and sticking only to her accounts of that night. 

I sat there proudly, her confidence growing exponentially as she got more comfortable and felt less like a target and more like a supportive witness however, once he was finished and the defense attorney took center stage, that once strong, proud stance diminished with each ruthless question.

I could feel the anger burning in my veins, hands shaking as I held Hope in my arm and listened to him break down the strong persona she had created in her struggles to find normalcy. I fought the urge not to place Hope aside, storm the bannister that shielded her from me and beat the living shit out of him. 

Her past, what she endured was of no consequence. Frank was a miserable, manipulative druggie. He utilized the medical profession to get his kicks both mentally and physically. It didn’t matter how suicidal Bella was or that she was a frequent visitor of the hospital for mental reasons. No one deserved to be violated or forced into a sexual act without consent period.

The tears fell more steadily as he continued to manipulate her responses and use her past personal mutilations against her claiming she wasn’t in her right mind and that somehow she was to heavily medicated to know the difference between assistance and assault. Countless times she fought his argument and each time he came back at her with her own past transgressions. I wasn’t sure I could take much more of this, a year of counseling and inner development gone down the toilet in a matter of minutes and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was failing once again in my efforts to save her and although I learned in our time apart that she was the only one who could save herself, nothing could have prepared her for this savage.

The guilt of it all was slowly cutting into my strength like a dull blade, each whimper and tear that fell from within her beckoned for me to rescue her from this Tierney but I couldn’t. Once again I was forced to sit back and let fate unfold itself and like a miracle from heaven, a soft whisper “Da” chimed in my ears and called me from the putrid thoughts of my past.

A smile replaced my straight face as I gazed down upon my only source of comfort. As if she could feel my anguish, understand my pain, she says it again “Da”. How easily my mind is swayed with such a simple gesture, the magnitude of the action so grandiose that I couldn’t focus on the horrible things transpiring around me but rather clung to the pride I felt at this small child’s words.

Gently I lean down and whisper, “You always know how to make me smile little one”. Returning my gesture she giggles and shortly after the gavel s cracks dismissing everyone for lunch. I look up and wait patiently as Bella leaves the witness stand and walks my way. 

Once she is within a few feet of me I rise, reach out and allow her to take my hand. There were no words I could speak that would dispel the evil that consumed her and just like before, I had to take a step back and remember she wasn’t a broken piece I had to fix. I could love and support her, be an open ear but this was a demon she had to fight on her own.

The crisp air of the outdoors helped ease the burden on both our shoulders. It took every ounce of my will not to try and silence her fears and wipe away the ill thoughts that plagued her. My heart yearned to comfort her, promise her moments like this would never happen again but that was an impossible guarantee. Her path, the one prior to her and I meeting, was one she chose for herself and the result of choosing said path would be something she would have to live with the rest of her life. If anyone could speak to this truth it would be me. I chose the ambulatory field because it filled a void within me. It was only when Hope came into my life that I discovered that it was ok not to be perfect. Once I understood the demon that possessed me I faced it and changed for the better. I could only hope she would do the same or there was no hope for her or us.

Silence filled the air the entire lunch break and although I was busting at the seams to say something, anything that would rekindle her light, I refrained. I couldn’t win her battles for her but at the very least I could show my support. 

Before we reentered the court room an hour later, I pulled her to the side and whispered, “Remember who you are, what you’ve become. You are not that mentally ill Bella anymore. You’ve overcome your battles with grief and like you said…you’ve been reborn. Embrace the strength you’ve rightfully earned and remember no matter what, we will be waiting for you when you get out.”

“Cross your heart?” she whispers back with a half-smile.

“With all my heart” I reply as I lean in and place a gentle kiss on her lips. Surprisingly she doesn’t pull away but rather gives into the affection and elongates it by a few minutes. 

A man clearing his throat pulls us from our momentary bliss and with a slight chuckle we pull away knowing this was not the time or place.

“See you soon” she whispers as she takes a step back, turns and disappears behind the large mahogany doors of the courtroom.

A sigh of relief exits my lips as I pace slowly back and forth while rocking Hope to sleep. This was truly a day of days and I could only hope that when all was said and done, after this large hurdle was crossed, she and I could start a new and with time, find our happiness within one another.


	20. Chapter 19

JPOV

Patience was never my strong suit but strangely while I sat outside the mahogany doors waiting for Bella to return, I didn’t get that sinking feeling I used to get when all hell was about to break lose. I wasn’t sure if it was the kiss, Hope speaking for the first time or just actual pure happiness that everything in my life was starting to come together that kept me at ease but I liked it.

The slamming of the gavel brought my attention away from Hope’s serene face and back towards the door. Attendees of the session began exiting in droves while whispering comments about the testimony and potential outcome of the trial. In all honesty I hoped Frank got what he deserved and with her testimony, Bella could finally be free of her past and move on happily with her future.

After the crowds dispersed there was a short delay and for a second I grew curious as to what might be the cause. Slowly I rise to my feet and move towards the door however, before I can reach the handle, the door swings towards me and misses my face by mere inches with Bella standing on the other end.

“Oh God Jake I’m sorry…are you ok? Is Hope ok?” she inquires with great concern that she hit us with the door.

“It’s ok. I still have that cat like reflex from my paramedic days.” I reply with a chuckle.

“You make it sound like you are an old retired man. It has only been what a year or so since you served? Surely admirable qualities such speediness, quick thinking and nimbleness can’t be lost in such a short time?” She continues to taunt but in a cute way.

It became clear to me during our small banter that there was no cause for concern over her well being. Bella seemed light hearted and playful which could only indicate that everything went in her favor. I didn’t want to hinder such a positive result so I continued to engage her without showing any indication of my curiosity about today’s events. If and when she deemed it necessary she would tell me what happened but I wasn’t going to be the rain on her parade. I just hoped this was the final travel down memory lane for a while.

I wish I could explain how different life felt now that Bella was back in my life and we were finally venturing down this new “relationship” journey. Although we knew each other in the past, it felt like we had just met. We both had changed so much and in accepting our faults, acknowledging our weakness and understanding that we can’t fix it all, we grew closer and that was something new and exciting all together.

As we made the quick sprint from the car to the apartment, I couldn’t help but notice a familiar vehicle just a few car lengths down. I stood there for a moment trying to recall where I had seen it but before I could draw any conclusions, Bella hollers, “Jake come on, its freezing out here. We don’t want Hope to catch a cold!” and with her reminder I decide to dismiss my curiosity and focus on just getting warm.

We ride up the elevator, shivering in our boots, yearning for the warmth of our overly heated apartment. As the doors part, the scent of an overly fragrant perfume parades my senses and causes all the hairs on my arms to stand on end. I knew that fragrance, loathed it even. It was the scent that brought the devil along with it. It was the social worker.

Oblivious to my petrified state, Bella continues her chatter as she exits the elevator and moves towards the apartment. Understanding the reason behind this unwelcome visit, I stand petrified in place hoping she wouldn’t see me and leave.

“Jake? Are you even listening to me?” she questions while turning and noticing I was still in the archway between the elevator and the floor.

“What has gotten into you, what’s wr…” her words are cut off as her eyes veer behind her and she notices the focus of my stare. It is in that moment that fear takes hold and I take one step back into the elevator and allow the doors to close. I don’t press any buttons but rather allow the elevator to hold steady until I could rationalize my next move.

The various scenarios and lies I could tell to keep her from taking Hope ran ramped within my mind. It wasn’t that I didn’t know this day would come, that one day she would be taken from me but there was that small glimmer of hope that it would never come and if it did, I would be in a position to prove I could be just a good a parent as any.

It was in that moment a thought crossed my mind. What if I told her I was married, that Bella was my wife and that we planned on adopting Hope once everything got situated? She would have to believe that right? They would choose us over any other prospective couple. I knew her better than anyone.

Confident this plan would work, I press the arrow to release the elevator doors and standing on the other end with a concerned and baffled look on her face is Bella. “This behavior does not work in your favor Jake.” She reprimands as I move past her towards the apartment.

“I’ve got a plan.” I whisper back as she trails behind me.

“If I didn’t know any better I would think you were avoiding me Mr. Black” the social worker announces as she taps her foot on the floor and stares at me with a raised eyebrows. 

“Avoiding you…never! It is always a pleasure to see you.” I reply nervously as I move past her, open the door to the apartment and motion for her to proceed inside.

“We’ll I’m afraid I don’t have long Mr. Black but I wanted to let you know about the developments with regard to Hope’s adoption.” She replies as she stands just a few feet from the door.

“We’ll then what I have to tell you will help ease the burden of finding the perfect couple.” I reply enthusiastically as I wait for Bella to come through the door and as soon as she does and closes the door behind her I continued, “May I introduce my wife Bella…Bella this is Ms. Klein, Hope’s social worker.”

The two stared at me like I had two heads. I kept my eyes on Ms. Klein hoping she would believe this far fetched lie long enough for me to gain her trust and her seal of approval to keep Hope for good. Her stare was strong, her eyes searching for fallacy in my story, a twinge of doubt or sweat upon my brow indicating a lie but after several minutes of a staring duel, she surrenders.

“I have to say Mr. Black this is truly unexpected. I know you’ve grown attached to Hope but I never thought you would want this type of responsibility for life. If you are truly married…meaning you provide me the marriage license and wish to adopt Hope permanently, than I will tell this hopeful family Hope is taken.” She replies with a sigh as she rustles through her briefcase and pulls out her card.

“I thought this type of news would make you happy. I know it has been hard finding a home for our girl and now that I can provide such a home you seem upset.”

“I’m not upset at the current circumstances just that I feel so bad for this potential family. I was hoping to bring a little joy into their conflicted lives. The poor woman has had no luck with getting pregnant and so they chose to adopt. I just hate to see the sadness in their eyes when I tell them they are back on the waiting list.”

Before I could intercede, Bella jumps in, “Ms. Klein…It has been a long day for Jake and I, is there anyway we can set up a time to meet maybe tomorrow perhaps to discuss this further and provide you all the documentation you need?”

For a moment I felt the anger rise to the forefront of my mind. Why was she doing this? Did she not want to be a part of our lives? I looked at her questionably as did Ms. Klein at her sudden request. Fearful that Ms. Klein would see right through her and detect the falsehood of our marriage I jumped in, “Bella had an accident a few years back and we just got back from court so it’s been a long day for us all.”

“Ok how about you call me tomorrow and I will see what I can rearrange so we can finalize everything ok?” she replies while extending her business card out to Bella.

“Sounds great” I reply as I move towards the door with her on my heels.

“Nice to meet you Ms. Black…Mr. Black” she replies with a nod and exits the apartment.

Shutting the door quickly behind her, I release a sigh of relief that for a moment the flames of disaster were quickly extinguished however, when my eyes focus on Bella, I felt a slight knot tighten in my chest as I couldn’t read her facial expressions at all.

I wasn’t naïve to believe that she wouldn’t be shocked or at the very least angry with me for jumping the gun like I had but I hoped that she would take a moment and see it was in a fit of panic that I threw her in the mix because without her, I was sure to lose Hope all together.

My instinct was to pounce, to bombard her with all the reasons why this plan could work in both our benefits however; I pushed what I wanted, what I needed aside and allowed the room to fill with silence. It wasn’t fair of me to impose my wants on her if she was not ready to want the same things. It was true we were slowly gliding into a relationship and the feelings were definitely mutual but marriage was a big step for any relationship, especially one so young like ours.

I felt Hope rustling within my arms and knew she was due for a change and bottle. Quietly I moved out of the room and allowed Bella the time to think, to decide what direction she wanted to go in. I prayed I didn’t just extinguish one fire only to create another.

 

BPOV

I stood completed dumfounded by what transpired before me. A part of me understood Jake’s rash actions and a part of me wondered if he truly meant his words or was he just buying more time so he could figure out how to keep Hope in his life permanently.

Since the day I left the hospital, I vowed to take things one day at a time and up until this point it proved fruitful. Today had been a day of days, first it was just having the strength to deal with my past being showcased in front of an audience and now it was a marriage proposal. I won’t say that being with Jake wasn’t the best thing that had ever happen to me but was I ready to commit to a family so soon? Was I ready to be a wife and step mother while still making small victories with my own inner demons?

The weight of this decision rested heavily upon my shoulders and it felt as if someone had sucker punched me in the chest, my lungs finding it hard to breathe while my mind searched for answers to this current predicament. Slightly shaken by these life altering choices I had to make, I sat down on the coach behind me and tried to weigh the positives and negatives. 

There were definitely benefits to me staying and continuing on this new romantic endeavor however I couldn’t help but feel slightly apprehensive that in making this haste decision we weren’t really allowing ourselves the ups and downs a normal relationship endured before making the ultimate commitment. Should I jump in head first and allow the cards to fall where they may?

I wasn’t sure what the right decision was but if I truly listened to my heart and allowed my overthinking to take a back seat, I would say yes and allow destiny to fall into place.

The creaking of the bed pulled me from my thoughts and allowed curiosity to kick in. Slowly I rose from the couch and tip toed to the doorway of the bedroom. My heart swelled as I saw Hope resting her sleepy head on Jake’s tummy as he slowed caressed her hair. It was as if doubt was never an option as it became clear to me that this was where I always wanted to be.

Feeling fully confident in my decision, I moved beside the bed and sat at his side. His eyes met mind instantly and with a soft motion I placed my hand upon his and replied, “You promised to take care of me once. You said…Cross My Heart and now, in keeping with that sentiment and while slowly falling more and more in love with you each moment I say I promise to love, honor and cherish you both, Cross My Heart.”

I had never felt so confident, so assured in my life but being with Jake was the only way I knew I could be happy and with him I knew I would always be safe.


	21. Epilogue

10 Years Later…

JPOV

I always despised the winter, the endless chill that froze you to the bone, the wet snow that covered every visible surface including the road I frequently traveled upon and the feat of always trying to make it to my destination without harm or accident. However, my life has changed so much since those days, my mind once overwhelmed with thoughts of how I was going redeem myself from my past transgression, provide the required service deemed to me by the paramedic profession and with any luck find the one soul I could save that would offer me repentance and a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment. 

As much as I enjoyed the rat race, the constant challenge my profession provided, I never did find what I needed most, not until Hope. Hope has and continues to be the bright light that shines through the dark cloud of my persistent thoughts. Each day she offers me, without the need for reciprocation, the love I had thirsted for all along. It has taken me many years to see the errors of my ways and to come to the understanding that you can’t be everything to everyone. If you can change one life then that is an accomplishment in and of itself.

I can honestly admit finding that little girl over ten years ago was the best thing that has ever happened to me and as if fate continued to bless me, Bella returned and filled the one small part of my heart that was hollow when she left. Lying here with her nestled against my chest, swollen with our first child, a sense of joy and pride fills me. I never thought it would be possible to feel such joy on more than one occasion but the power of this emotion is so strong and so rewarding I can’t help but smile as a result.

It was by no small feat that she and I reached this place of happiness, the meetings, paperwork and interviews required to adopt Hope seemed endless. You would think that after caring for her for almost a year and offering a stable environment that would nurture and educate her as she grew up would be enough but it was far from it. Although married and employed, Bella’s past came back to bite her in the ass once again and although I feared it might deter her from wanting to continue this struggle, she seemed neither fazed nor bothered by it. 

For the first time I got to witness just how powerful sheer will and determination can be. Each time she was questioned about her past afflictions, she remained upbeat and replied with no signs of distress or discomfort. I felt proud to say she was my wife and soon the mother to Hope.

After several months, the state finally allowed the adoption to take place and with such joy, we began our lives together. The first few years were the hardest, Hope being in her terrible two’s and Bella finding it extremely frustrating to balance both work and child care. I tried my hardest to be as patient and helpful as I could but sometimes no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn’t good enough.

It was hard to battle that demon, the feeling of never being adequate a constant crutch in my side for so many years but if I had learned anything from our past endeavors it was that staying positive and looking at the larger picture offered me a sense of peace. I knew she loved me and that fights and financial struggles were all a part of a marriage and although it was easier to just agree, sometimes you had to fight to get the true feelings out.

It became clear to me after Hope had entered kindergarten that Bella was in need of something more than just the minimal job she was presently in. She, like I, needed a sense of gratification and reward out of her employment. She wanted to give back and so with the connections I had and in conjunction with the doctor she so highly praised at the hospital, we were able to land her a job at the local teen center. It was there that she found her calling, aiding troubled teens with their addictions and mental distress in a group setting. Her aura never glowed as brightly as it did after her first day, a sense of accomplishment and pride filled her and happiness was brought back into our lives once again.

I never thought much about our wedding since it happened practically overnight however, when Hope came home and asked about it, I felt slightly embarrassed when I couldn’t dazzle her with the story of a grandiose wedding. It was in that moment I decided to do it right, buy the ring and renew our vows in a more personal setting. Bella was shocked when I held Hope’s hand as she got on one knee and proposed. Tears were shed all around that night not only because of the gesture but because Bella offered me a gift in return. She told me we were expecting. 

We renewed our vows five months later on the beach at sunset. It was the happiest day of my life and I never thought it could get any better than this.

“Jake…I think it’s time” She whispers into my chest as her free hand covers her swollen stomach.

A sense of nervousness and anxiety fill me as I reply, “Are you sure?”

Smiling through her pain she replies while pulling away, “You can check the sheets but I’m pretty sure I’m not a bed wetter.”

Lifting the sheet up I notice the large wet stain on the bed and it becomes clear, the baby was on its way. Quickly I rush to her aid while grabbing the packed suitcase from the chair. I escort her to the door and tell her to wait while I grab the keys and cell phone. As I open the door she smiles and whispers “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

My thoughts are racing as I try to think of what she might be referring to and like a swift smack to the head I remember. “Hope!” I holler and at a snail like pace she traipses from her room rubbing her eyes.

“Mommy is having the baby. We have to go now!”

I can see she is still not awake and with no time to lose, I race over, pick her up and make for the door. Thankfully we weren’t too far from the hospital and made it there in record time considering the nasty weather. 

Once the nurse took Bella, I called Maria and Embry hoping they could come and keep Hope busy while I tended to Bella. I was thankful when both arrived in record time and I was able to help Bella through her painful contractions.

After twelve hours of pain and two hours of pushing, we welcomed Charlie William into the world. Both Bella and I agreed to the name shortly after we found out we were having a boy. We both loved our fathers and thought what better way to honor their memory than to have our child named after both.

It would seem life had come full circle for me, a parent to two beautiful children and a husband to the most amazing woman I had ever met. I vowed once again and promised that no matter what wrench life threw my way, I would overcome and make love an endless river in my fountain of happiness. Threw emotional peril I found my hope and through forgiveness I found my heart.

The End


End file.
